Gwen in Love

Feelin' Sexy Friday: Massage

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

I always love a good massage and so does Husband. I got my very first professional massage a few years after we had been married. I would probably get one every day if I could. Instead, we bought a book, did some reading and watched a few videos on how to give a good massage and taught him to do the same.

Basic tips that I've learned so far:

Make sure your hands are warm as you massage
Work from the waist up with a little bit of pressure all over the back at first
Use your body weight instead of just your arms
Gradually build up the pressure to get rid of knots instead of going immediately to deep
Ask the person you're massaging what they like and don't like

Have you heard of the Massage Bars from Babeland? Husband and I brought them on our last vacation. There's way less risk of mess in the suitcase compared to bringing a bottle of massage oil. The massage bars turn into oil as they are rubbed over skin. They work wonderfully and they smell great!

Touch is a great way to feel relaxed, connected, reassured and comforted. A relaxation massage is a good way to get started.

GIVEAWAY -- Hold on to Me

2012-01-22T08:00:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited that Babeland is sponsoring a giveaway of Hold on to Me Kegal Spheres!

These are wonderful, multi-purpose spheres to have around. Having strong PC muscles helps with so many things! Your ability to control and intensify your own orgasm PLUS enhance your partner's experience goes up a ton with stronger PC muscles. You could even use them alone to help warm yourself up and get in the mood for your partner.

Some general wellness benefits include more bladder control as well as preparing you to have more control during childbirth. These spheres are small and inconspicuous. There's a little vibration from the sphere as it moves around inside of you and you can increase the weight or have two spheres attached. They are completely comfortable and body safe as well.

Here's what Babeland has to say about them:
Keep vaginal muscles toned with the Hold On to Me kegel spheres, part of the Bedroom Kandi line created by Kandi Burruss from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Whether you want to strengthen your PC muscles to intensify orgasms, grip your partner more tightly during intercourse, improve your childbirth experience, or maximize bladder control, these spheres can help do the trick. The spheres come in four graduated weights; users can start with the lighter weights and gradually increase weight as they get stronger.

Fill out the entry form below:&amp;amp;amp;<span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: yellow; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; ">lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;<span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: yellow; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; ">lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Loading...&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;<span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: yellow; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; ">lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;<span class="goog-spellcheck-word" style="background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: yellow; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; ">lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;If you have trouble viewing or submitting this form, you can fill it out online:https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dEFNd054cklGb0t4SjhUNkhQVDJDTkE6MQ

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- How about a Quickie?

2012-01-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

Have you ever just wanted sex right now?

I love a good quickie every now and then. Of course, I'd hate to get into a pattern of only quickies, but sometimes that's all we have time for. Life gets so busy and sometimes a little quickie just takes the edge right off.

Having a quickie is also a good way to introduce spontaneity and spice things up a bit. Remember, when you were first together and couldn't keep your hands off each other? It's great to have that kind of passion and excitement back.

Just for fun, anybody have any fun stories of where or when a quickie occurred?

You may comment anonymously.

Love Story -- Choose Your Love

2012-01-18T00:59:00.000-06:00

Leighann and Skylar

There I was, minding my own business, trying to keep my 12 year old brain occupied with the important things in life such as how to make the force stronger with me like Luke from Star Wars. Church was about to start and I was bored out of my mind as people trickled in and took their seats. I looked over just as a brand new family came in through the doors. There was a mom, dad, a couple boys, and HER. As she walked in, her hair blew back a little from the wind of the doors and I thought to myself, "Wow. That is the ugliest girl I have ever seen."

This is husband's version of the first time we met. Pretty harsh, right? Well, I wasn't so kind to him either. He was the biggest nerd I'd ever met and I let him know it. The summer of 1999, we were 12 years old and my family had just moved to the area. For the first couple years, we disliked each other. A lot. But gradually we became friends. Then best friends. By the time we were 16, we were nearly inseparable, that is until the summer after I turned 17 and found out that he liked me-like that! Before that summer, I had never considered Skylar as anything but my best friend. When I found out he had a crush on me, I didn't know how to handle it due to my teenage awkwardness, so I stopped talking to him for a month or so. It was the most boring month of my life. I realized I had to suck it up and get over myself so that my life could resume as being awesome because he was in it.

I still had no interest in him in a romantic way, and I made it clear that I didn't want to date him. Skylar, however, was clever and found that as long as he asked me if I wanted to "hang out", he could take me on dates without me realizing that's what was going on. This continued for several months before I realized his plan and realized that it was working. I liked him. Like that.

Several agonizingly uncomfortable conversations later, we were officially "boyfriend/girlfriend." The next year (August 2005), I left for college in another state and he stayed home in Texas to work and save up money. It was during those nightly conversations that we determined that we not only wanted to get married someday, but decided upon the date. (Our potential wedding date was to be June 5, 2010, just so you know) There was still a lot we each had to accomplish over the next several years before we could get married, but our naïve selves felt completely confident that we would make that date without a glitch.
The next year (April 2006) Skylar left for Poland for a two year mission for our church. I wrote him regularly, but knew that I'd always wonder if I never dated anyone else to see how that felt. So I dated and compared and over time got myself all sorts of confused. I tried ending things with Skylar a couple of times because I felt that I couldn't be objective in looking at others if Skylar was still in the picture. It never lasted though. Somehow, Skylar was always so patient and understanding. And somehow, he always came out on top.

Skylar came home and we came pretty close to getting married then, but I felt like I had something I still had to do. It was my turn to serve a mission for my church. I was sent to Washington state. Now it was Skylar's turn to figure out the "dating other people life." Only he didn't want to. He wrote me faithfully, but yet again, I was the one to end things with him. There were several really personal, complicated reasons for choosing to end our relationship, but it really was for the best- though I now realize I should have handled it differently. Skylar was hurt, of course, but he was patient. He went on to date other people and I went on to focus on my time in Washington. By the end of my mission, we hadn’t talked to each other in nearly a year and a half. Well, I hadn't talked to Skylar anyway. He still wrote me from time to time on my mission to let me know how he was. He even sent me flowers sometimes. (Yes, I know, I didn't deserve him!)

By the time I came home, I had fully convinced myself that though we couldn't avoid each other (we STILL went to the same church, after all those years), we were long since done as a couple and would never go back to that. Surprise, surprise, I was wrong again. The first time we would see each other after more than a year and a half would be at church the first Sunday after I got home. As I walked through those same doors where we saw each other for the first time 11 years before, I braced myself for a painfully awkward moment between us. But that didn't happen. Instead, we hugged and after church we talked for hours, just like no time had passed.

That's all it took. From there we decided to be "us" again, but this time it was different. It was better than it ever had been. We each were different and better than we ever had been. Less than 6 months later, we were married on July 30, 2010. After all that had happened, it still amazes us that we were only off by a month and a half from the wedding date we picked out as teenagers 5 years earlier.

Often, when we tell people our story, their response is something along the lines of, "So you were meant to be." But we smile and explain that we weren't necessarily meant to be, but rather we chose to be. That's what relationships and marriage are all about. Choosing the other person. Choosing to love them through it all. Choosing to grow that love. And we'll choose each other forever.

What's your Fantasy?

2012-01-16T07:00:00.000-06:00

A fantasy is just imagining or wishing for something that excites you.

Fantasies don't always have to be elaborate or impossible. Sometimes, it can be something small and simple. Everybody has fantasies. You are normal to have them. Some fantasies are similar to other people's and others are unique to only you.

Take control of your fantasies. Most readers said fantasizing helps boost their libido. Start simple. A fantasy could be the dream date you've always wanted. It could be taking charge with your husband and initiating a sexual encounter. It could be dressing up as Princess Leia to please your man (Anybody else watch Friends?) Thoughts can lead to action.

Sharing and fulfilling each other's fantasies not only adds closeness, but as brings a bit more excitement.

What are some of your fantasies?

As always, anonymous comments are welcome.

Fotoshop by Adobé

2012-01-11T22:50:00.000-06:00

This is a great mock commercial emphasizing the unrealistic depictions in media of bodies and culture's warped perception of beauty.

"This commercial isn't real. Neither are society's standards of beauty."

What makes you beautiful?

Maybe, it's the stretch marks covering your abdomen that show you carried a precious child. Maybe, it's your dark sultry eyes that are always seeking adventure. Maybe, it's the scar on your chest where doctors repaired your heart that continues to beat....

Go ahead! Brag a bit!

You are beautiful.

Birth Control Options

2012-01-07T19:00:00.000-06:00

I absolutely love children and have even made some myself. I know there are a lot of differing views on the use and type of birth control. This is a follow up to a previous post for those who have asked for more information regarding birth control options.

You will need to think about and discuss with your spouse whether you want to use a birth control method at all and what type of method you will use if you choose to do so. This is a very personal decision.

There are many options available and it's good to be educated on all of your options instead of just the common ones. Do your research and see what works best for you. I've listed a few of the more common options below.

**Make sure to talk to your health care provider to discuss what options may be appropriate for you.**

Some good websites for more information include:

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/preventingpregnancy/
http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-control/birth-control-birth-control-methods

Natural Family Planning

Fertility Awareness Method: using the menstrual cycle, cervical mucus and basal body temperature to predict fertile periods and abstaining during that time. 75% effective. No side effects.

Lactational Amenorrhea Method: breastfeeding a newborn baby regularly exclusively (Every 4 hours during day, every 6 hours at night). No formula or supplements at all for baby. Mother must not have had a menstrual period post-birth. Works for only 6 months post birth. 98.5% effective.

Withdrawal: withdrawal of the penis before ejaculation. 79% effective.

Nothing/Chance: No birth control method. 15% effective

Combination Hormonal Methods (contains both estrogen and progestin)

"The Pill": may reduce acne, pain during ovulation, menstrual cramping, and premenstrual symptoms. Must take daily. Changes the lining of the uterine wall to prevent implantation. May cause nausea, headaches, weight gain, depression or irregular bleeding. 95% effective.

Skin Patches: worn on the skin, must change weekly. Less effective in women over 195 pounds. May cause nausea, headaches, weight gain, depression or irregular bleeding. 99% effective

Rings: about 2", inserted into the vagina, releases chemicals. Changes uterine lining, thickens cervical mucus. Leave the ring in for 3 weeks then take it out for 1 week and insert a new ring. May cause nausea, headaches, weight gain, depression, irregular bleeding, breast tenderness, blood clotting. 92% effectiveness.

Progesterone-only Hormonal Methods
"Mini pill": take daily at same exact time. May cause breast tenderness, weight gain,
menstrual cycle changes. Safe to take while breastfeeding. 95% effective.

Injections: get an injection once every 3 months by health care provider. May cause breast tenderness, weight gain, irregular or missed menstrual cycles. 99% effective.

Implants: about the size of a matchstick, inserted in upper arm by health care provider. Must be removed by health care provider. Lasts about 3 years.

Intrauterine Device (IUD)-Copper: small T-shaped device placed in uterus. May cause longer and heavier periods, ectopic pregnancies, and perforation of uterus. 99.95% effective.

IUD- Hormonal: small T-shaped device placed in uterus. Typically reduces menstrual flow and cramping over time. May cause spotting, moodiness, perforation of uterus and breast tenderness. 99.99% effective

Barrier Methods

Cervical Cap & Diaphragm: a soft rubber barrier or dome that covers the cervix to prevent sperm from entering. No side effects (unless allergic). 80% effective (60% effective after child birth).

Male Condom: sheath- usually latex- to cover the penis. No side effects (unless allergic). 79% effective.

I highly recommend every couple own and read through Taking Charge of Your Fertility to become more familiar with how your body works and how people can get pregnant. We also have some snippets from it here.

This is a very personal and important choice that should be approached with much thought, research, and discussion. As always, your constructive insight is welcome.

10 Weird But True Facts About Kissing

2012-01-04T16:20:00.000-06:00

A reader suggested we check out this article. It's fun and interesting and random. And has things like this:

"On average, humans spend about two weeks, or 15 days, playing tonsil hockey in their lifetime"

Pretty awesome-right?!

How much time are you going to accumulate today?

Share Your Love Story

2012-01-02T23:27:00.001-06:00

Think you have a great love story or know somebody that does?

Write up a condensed version about how you met and fell in love, add a few pictures, try to make us all jealous and email it to me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail.com with "Love Story- Your First Name & His Name" in the subject line.

A few of my favorites will be featured just like these.

We all enjoy a great love story! I bet just writing yours up will make you all giddy inside. Look back through those dating, engagement, wedding and marriage pictures and remind yourself how your love keeps growing.

You may wonder, what's the catch for having my story shared? Well, you'll need to link back to this blog when I post your story or put a button on your blog.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T14:31:00.004-06:00

New Years is always a great opportunity to get dressed up (in more ways than one) to welcome in the new year.

Husband and I are just laying low this year at home, but after the kids go to sleep I plan to spend some extra time taking care of myself. I find that it makes me feel a lot better- touch up the makeup, fix the hair, get rid of any food and booger smears that may have come my way and dress up a bit.

What are your plans?

Any resolutions to improve your relationship this coming year?

Enjoy welcoming in 2012!

Don't forget today is the last day to get And They Were Not Ashamed for $4.99 and it's the last day to get $20 off both The Dating Divas' Books.

What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part II

2011-12-29T08:00:00.001-06:00

Don't forget to check out Part I and other tips for newlyweds.

The wedding's over, the reception is starting to clear out and if you're like most couples, the guy is anxious to go and the bride is finding excuses to talk to relatives she hasn't seen in a while, straightening up decorations and taking her sweet time to head back to the honeymoon suite.

Getting ready to consummate your marriage may be a little daunting, but here are some tips to get you through.

Take care of your hygiene. Make sure you shave and do any necessary grooming and cleaning down there. Be careful of using harsh cleaners because they might aggravate the area.
Make sure you've discussed birth control beforehand and have that all ready. (e.g. she's been on the pill for a bit, condoms on hand etc.) I'll have to do another post about some options. Yes?
Go to the bathroom before having sex. This way there won't be added pressure on your bladder or your rectum. It's really hard to relax and enjoy it when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom. It may be normal to feel like you have to pee or go #2 during sex the first few times so it's just nice to go beforehand so you have the reassurance that you don't really need to go again.
It can be fun to get dressed up into some special lingerie. It will usually make you feel sexier and get you in the mood if you aren't already.
Make sure you have a good lubricant. Water-based are really great and you're less likely to have an allergic reaction. They also don't dry out or get sticky gross.
Enjoy exploring each other and making foreplay fun. Women typically need a bit longer than men to become lubricated, fully aroused and ready for penetration. Often, it works well if the man manually stimulates the woman to orgasm and then tries for penetration so he can reach orgasm. Women are capable of multiple orgasms so she may have another or more after penetration occurs.
Take it S L O W. So many people on the sidebar poll said that it hurt the first time. Your vagina is being stretched out! You don't want it to rip or get super irritated. It takes time to actually be comfortable. Relax. Take deep breaths. Sex is usually not beautiful and sexy the first time. So just take it slow.
Speak to your partner. Tell him what you like, what's uncomfortable etc. Sure, it may not seem very romantic, but it's so necessary. He's not going to know what you like and you're not going to know what he likes if you don't talk about it.
It may feel a bit awkward and it probably is. Just relax, smile and laugh your way through. I had never seen a naked guy before (and didn't have any sex education) and I was a bit weirded out like "Whoa, that's supposed to be attractive?!"
Don't clench! Your butt or other areas. There are vaginal wall muscles that you can learn to control. As you practice Kegel exercises you can learn to control this.
Get in a position that is comfortable for both of you. Don't try anything too crazy until you get the basics down. A good position to try first is having the woman on top so she can control penetration and it naturally helps her relax the muscles down there.
Be prepared for your body to just jerk around uncontrollably at times. Relax. Let it happen. This is normal. If you're a control freak, let sex be the area where you don't have to be in control of your body. Let go and enjoy!
Have a hand towel nearby (like in the drawer of the nightstand). It's kinda messy if he's not using a condom and you used lubricant. Just clean up a bit afterward and you can avoid fighting over who's going to sleep in the wet spot.
Spend time cuddling afterward. Men naturally release hormones that make them sleepy so be prepared for him to drift off to sleep while you're anxiously awake. Men, try to spend time talking to your wife and cuddling afterward. Talk about what you enjoyed.
Go to the bathroom afterward or use some personal wipes/ unscented baby wipes to clean yourself up and make sure nothing is in your urethra. Sure, it's not sexy, but a lasting yeast infection is way less sexy.
Snack and drink water to fuel up for next time
Practice makes perfect so practice together often!!

What other tips do you have?

What do you wish you'd have known before your wedding night?

Special Price: And They Were Not Ashamed

2011-12-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

Laura Brotherson is doing a special on her book And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment as an end of year gift. You can currently get the ebook for $4.99. You can also get the hard copy for about $12.

This book is so great for every single stage of a relationship. It's tasteful and informative. I refer a lot of my clients to this book. It's written in such a way you can skip between chapters or read straight through. I especially love the chapter covering The Good Girl Syndrome. Amazon lets you preview a few pages. Check it out and add it to your bookshelf.

Have you read it? What was the best thing you got from this book?

What's Your Love Language?

2011-12-26T21:00:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I each took the Languages of Love Quiz. Basically, the love languages are the areas that you feel love the easiest and need to have fulfilled in order to feel like you are truly loved by your spouse. There are 5 areas and they will be ranked by score at the end of the quiz. The areas are: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation.

Wouldn't you know it, each of our top area was Physical Touch! He scored a 10 (out of a possible 12). Mine was a 9 tied with Acts of Service. It's a fun little quiz to take. I was a bit surprised by the ordering of his love languages, though. It's been great for us to know about each other.

I also recommend getting the book to better learn about yours and his love language. For example, maybe his love language is gifts. If so, you're going to have to look at spending money on gifts as a long-term investment in your marriage. Dr. Chapman has a lot of really great suggestions and ways to speak your partners language. He also has books geared toward children, teenagers, singles, men and more.

I'm off to go speak to my hubby in his love language.

Be Still

2011-12-24T05:00:00.000-06:00

Christmas is upon us. Be still. Pause. Be present with the ones you love. That is, after all, the gift Christ has given.

Merry Christmas, dear love birds.

Great Gift & Special Offer

2011-12-22T22:49:00.000-06:00

Do you love your spouse but miss that excitement you had back when you were first dating? Are you feeling more like roommates instead of husband and wife? Wishing you could reconnect with your best friend?

The Dating Divas are doing a special on their new books, The A to Z Guide: 26 Ways in 26 Days to a Happier, Healthier Marriage and The Ultimate Date Night Book.

Through December 31st, you can order BOTH for $27!! This is such a steal!

I have The A to Z Guide already and it's amazing. It has great tips and stories of marriage and helping to get the spark back or even just increase the spark and love within your marriage.

The Ultimate Date Night Guide has their top date night ideas as voted by their audience. I have a new years resolution to go out more frequently with my husband. This book is great because it does all the thinking for you. I'll just need to pick a day and time.
This would be a great gift for yourself, your spouse or friends that you're not sure what to buy for.

Great Gift Idea: Fulfilling Fantasies

2011-12-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

A reader suggested,

"I think a great holiday gift for a spouse would be a fulfilled fantasy. You could wrap an empty box and when they open it, tell them they get to choose the fantasy that you will fulfill. If you are nervous that they will choose something that you aren't ready for then perhaps you could make a little coupon book of the ones you are ready for."

I LOVE this idea! Fulfilling fantasies is a great way to add a little variety, increase closeness and have some fun. You can get some ideas here and here. If you need costumes, lingerie or toys try here and here.

What other hot ideas do you have?

What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part I

2011-12-19T20:43:00.001-06:00

A few people with winter weddings have requested some information on preparing for sex. There's only so much you can know before you actually do. But here are a few things you can do...

Learn about basic anatomy. Yours and his. It's better to know about anatomy before trying anything. For example, do you know what a clitoris is, where it's located and that it's often where stimulation is needed for many woman to orgasm. Does he? You both need to just learn some basic anatomy. It might not make sense until you see it all, but learn all that you can.

Learn about the sexual response cycle. You can see the post here. There are some very informative sketches for you visual learners. I've heard that for a lot of women arousal precedes desire and for men desire comes first. It's just good to know basic gender differences.

Use a dilator to stretch you vagina. This is just helpful for when penetration occurs later. You can often get a set of dilators from your family doctor or OB. They are basically just cylinders that gradually increase in size. You can buy a set of dilators online if you're too nervous to talk to your doctor. Make sure you get some lubricant to help them go in easier. This will also get you the chance to see if you're allergic to any lubes. Babeland has a wide variety if you need a place to get started.

If you are planning on doing any special grooming for the hair down there or other areas try it at least once before nearing your wedding. For example, I've known some girls that go in for the full Brazilian the day before they get married and end up being allergic to the wax and then sex was a nightmare the first few weeks because they're dealing with a rash.

Talk to your fiance about his expectations for your grooming. I know of a man that didn't know women had pubic hair and went and hid in the bathroom for a few hours after he saw his wife naked because he thought he had married a man. True story. (Again, see #1). Let him know your expectations as well. Also, make sure you clean down there. Unscented Baby wipes work great, but you can also just use a wet wash cloth. Sometimes, you can have a white-ish buildup around your clitoris and the other folds that will cause an odor.

Talk to your fiance about his expectations about lingerie. Is it sexy? Is it a waste of time? What do you think? My suggestion is to at least try it out. Most women find it empowering and helpful in boosting their libido.

Discuss what types of sex are desired and appropriate in your marriage. Manual stimulation? oral? anal? vaginal? How often do you plan to have sex? You may not want to form a concrete opinion, but it's good to discuss expectations.

Discuss the "what ifs". What if you're too tired- do you nap first? What if he prematurely ejaculates? She can't orgasm? Penetration is too painful or impossible? What are you going to do about these common situations? My advice is to go in with a sense of humor, relax and remember you have lots of time to learn and perfect it.

Discuss opinions on sex toys, vibrators and other props and objects. Do you want to start out with this or gradually introduce them or not have them at all?

Be healthy. Go to your OB for a premarital exam. Ask lots of questions. Make sure you're living a good lifestyle with healthy eating, exercise, rest and good hygiene.

Sex if meant to be fun and enjoyable for the man and the woman. If you think you might be suffering from The Good Girl Syndrome then you should do some reading, challenge those thoughts, talk to your fiance and work through it with a counselor if necessary.

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Go Commando

2011-12-16T10:16:00.004-06:00

I hope you and your man have a hot date planned this weekend. If not, start planning and setting one up. Get all dressed up to go and forget about your underwear or if you're a bit more shy just put on something sexy underneath. Then, during dinner you could accidentally have your shirt fall off your shoulder bit, or pull up your skirt to show him your garter, give him a glance and tease him a bit.

Enjoy the weekend!

Christmas Lingerie

2011-12-14T08:00:00.002-06:00

Most men go crazy over something red in their woman's bedroom wardrobe. Christmas is a great time to find good deals on holiday and basic red lingerie.

Yandy has an assortment of lingerie and costumes for everyone and most are 50% off right now! {There's free shipping for orders over $70 and same day shipping so you have time to get these before Christmas. Returns are easy and delivery is discrete.}

They have this for $119 and this for only $19.95 and whole variety of items in between. You could even slip something like this under your dress for the annual Christmas party and give him a nice surprise when you get home. This would also be perfect for spicing up The 12 Lays of Christmas.

Remember to find something that accentuates your best features, have confidence in whatever you wear and enjoy taking control. Most women said wearing something sexy and acting flirtatious helps boost their libido so give it a try!

How do you best enjoy wearing lingerie?

What tips do you have for those that are a bit shy about it?

The 12 Lays of Christmas

2011-12-11T21:55:00.008-06:00

Have you head of Love, Actually? Cher posts some amazing ideas based around romance on a budget.

She posted a great idea called The 12 Lays of Christmas last year. If you are tight on money this year or if you just want to spice things up a bit, head over there and check it out. Basically, the idea is to have sex every day for 12 days leading to Christmas. Now, what man wouldn't want that?!

What Helps Boost Your Libido?

2011-12-09T00:11:00.005-06:00

Due to demand, I've created a poll to hear what you do to increase your sex drive.

Feel free to share ideas in the comments!

Find Me on Pinterest

2011-12-02T21:12:00.003-06:00

Have you discovered Pinterest and its time consuming abilities?! It's absolutely wonderful!

I love being able to glance over so many things so quickly and find great ideas and tips for just about everything.

Follow me at: http://pinterest.com/gweninlove/

And don't forget to come find me on facebook, too.

Let me know if you need an invitation to Pinterest.

Sex Stopper -- Stress

2011-12-02T00:19:00.003-06:00

On our recent survey, many women commented that stress is contributing to a decreased sex drive. Stress is bound to happen at times, but how you handle it can make life seem doable or extremely difficult. Stress or anxiety is just activation of our body. A certain level of activation is helpful and can help move us forward in life while a low amount can keep us stagnant. Choose to use your stress for good and reduce it where you can.

Have a good social support network. Reach out to other's. Have some good friends that you can just talk to about life. Husbands don't always want to hear about the little happenings of your day, but your girlfriend most likely does. The caveat is to make sure you're keeping things between you and your husband that should stay private. Spend quality time with friends. Just having girl time is so therapeutic!
Make time for peace, quiet and relaxation. You will make time for what you believe is most important. I'm telling you now that relaxation and personal time is mandatory. Set time aside every day- even if it's just 5 minutes- to do something you love.
Take care of your body. Get as much sleep as possible, eat healthy and exercise regularly. Your mind functions so much better when your body is taken care of.
Don't stress over the small things. Try to check yourself on whether or not you are looking at long-term or short-term outcomes. It doesn't really matter in the long run how "perfect" you look when you go to work today- especially if it means you can get some much needed sleep. What's more important to worry about?
Do something that relaxes your body and mind regularly. Sex, of course, is naturally great for doing this. But it's great to have something you can do on your own that is quiet and restorative. Try out meditation, guided imagery or yoga. If nothing else, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself.
Prioritize and learn when to say no. You don't need to accomplish everything. You don't need to be wonder woman. It's okay to say no. Sometimes, it's even best that you ask for help from other people.
Slow down. Appreciate the little things in life. Don't pack your schedule full of tasks so you're working non-step when you're not sleeping.
Visit a local biofeedback lab to learn about how your body reacts to stress and practice methods to reduce stress.
Visit a local therapist if there are unresolved issues that are troubling you and you don't have the strength or ability to work through it on your own. Don't believe you can do everything on your own.
Don't judge yourself or talk to yourself negatively. You are a great person. You can do hard things. You are amazing at everything you do. God believes in you. Don't let anyone (including yourself) put you down.

What helps relieve your stress?

Causes of Low Libido

2011-11-24T23:19:00.008-06:00

It's perfectly normal to have a high desire and a lower desire partner. Problems may arise in a couple when they don't work with these differences in a respectful manner. Just like other parts of your relationship, there are times when you do things even if you're not really wanting to. Learn to like having sex because it's something that your partner wants and you can fulfill this desire for them even if you're not in the mood initially (and chances are that with sex you'll be in the mood very shortly after starting). It's possible to enjoy sex every time! Sure, it might not be mind-blowing every time, but you can still enjoy it.

Aside from general differences, there are common factors that research has found to be correlated with a decreased libido. A slide show from MedicineNet shows some common sex drive killers.

You can anonymously leave comments with other possible contributors to your sex drive if it's not included in the poll.

It's Good

2011-11-17T23:48:00.008-06:00

I just asked my husband for some input of what he thought you wanted to hear about and he just said

"Sex is good."

So, there you have it. The perspective of a really great man. Concise, simple and correct.

And your assignment- go enjoy some rockin' hot sex!

Costume Lingerie (and a sale!)

2011-11-03T11:22:00.006-05:00

Hello ghosts and ghouls! I hope you had a fabulous and sexy Halloween! Last year I blogged about Halloween being a great opportunity to spice thing up in the bedroom. Costumes and specialized lingerie can be intimidating purchases, especially if they have a high price tag. Yandy is having a post Halloween sale with prices up to 80% off, a perfect time to try shaking things up if you ask me! Yandy offers discreet billing and shipping making it my favorite lingerie go-to.

It certainly does not have to be Halloween to play cops and robbers. This sexy little number, originally $53.95, is on sale for $37.77! I love a good deal.

How often do you change up your lingerie routine? Is it the price tag that prevents you from trying something new or embarrassment? Maybe it's just easier to get right down to naked?Have you talked to your husband about lingerie?

Benefits to Lingerie:

Lingerie can make you feel sexy and help you to get "in the mood."
Lingerie can help you feel more confident and comfortable. If you have a part of your body that you feel self conscious of, cover it up with a cute negligee!
Taking the initiative in purchasing lingerie can show your husband that you are interested in and care about sex. It's a great way to show him you think about and enjoy your sex life!

What are some benefits of lingerie you've noticed in your marriage?

Focus on Your Strengths

2011-10-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

Do you ever see another woman and think to yourself something along these lines- "Wow. She has such a great waistline! I wish I had that." or "Check out her breasts. They're so perky and round. The only way I can get that is with a certain bra and it still doesn't look like that."

Chances are that you have. But, let me tell you a little secret. I bet you that the girl you're admiring and thinking is gorgeous probably doesn't think she is. She's probably so caught up on some little hangup with her body and she neglects to focus on her great aspects that others are likely to see. And you know what, people probably look at whatever your greatest feature is and are jealous of you!

Instead of focusing only on your flaws when you look in the mirror, focus on the strengths. Have you noticed that in advertising pictures or in model shoots the photographer tends to focus on the individual's strengths? Maybe, she has a great butt or great teeth or amazing eyes or stunning hair. Whatever it is- that's what the photographer strives to draw attention to.

Focus on your strengths. If you have long legs wear some lingerie that accentuates this. If you have a great waist line, show it off. If you have large breasts, let them be the one that draws his eyes on to you. If you have great eyes, do your makeup in a way to draw them out even more.

Play off of your strengths. Show them off and have confidence! You can do this inside and outside of the bedroom.

Here's a little example of giving yourself positive affirmations:

Ask the Audience -- Fulfilling Fantasies

2011-10-04T22:19:00.008-05:00

A bit of a conversation has started on a past post sparked by this reader's comment.

"My husband just shared his fantasy of having me lock up his manhood in a little cage. He says it's a common fantasy among guys but I've never heard of it. I asked him why he wants me to do this and he said he thought it would be sexy to let me be in control of his sexuality and decide when he was let out. To force a win I said, "Yeah? And what if I don't let you out for a week!?" He said, "That would be your decision... but a lot of women keep their men locked up for much longer than that."

Another reader responded:

"It started in the bdsm community but has broken out and is becoming a popular mainstream activity. I first heard about it on fmh of all places. A girl at my work practices it with her hubby. She wears a clasp on her necklaces that dangles a little silver key on the back of her neck. When I asked her what the key was for she said 'you don't wanna know.' I said I did and she told me it was the key to her hubby's chastity tube (exact words). I was blushing so much I almost tripped on myself getting out of there. I have to admit it made me curious."

I'd love to see the conversation continue if any of you have tried this or have a husband interested in trying this out.

It can be such a great experience to share fantasies with each other. It shows you can be vulnerable with each other. Listen to each other's fantasies and why they're interested if you don't quite understand and see if you can fulfill any of them. Even if you can't fulfill them, it's still a very connecting experience to share them with each other.

If you don't have anything to add to this particular conversation topic, maybe share a fantasy you have talked about or fulfilled with your spouse.

Challenging the Media on Body Image

2011-09-28T21:01:00.007-05:00

As women, I'm sure we can all agree that having a positive body image is SO hard! It's hard to think we look good when we're constantly getting message from media and even other people that we don't look right. Maybe, you're not happy with the size of our chest or waist or hips or something else- it's too small, it's too big, it's too lumpy. Maybe, you've even gained a few stretch marks from childbearing. Maybe, you think it's not worth it to try and look sexy because you have no hope. Maybe, you think that you should turn off the lights and get under the covers before your man catches a glimpse of you before you make love.

I'm inviting you to learn to love your body!

Challenge the false messages that you get from the media and others. There is no way that you can possibly look like that swimsuit model on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She doesn't even really look like that. Don't beat yourself up for the impossible. Next time you see an ad, pick it apart. You know it's fake. Do a little google search of photoshopped models before and after. See the differences yourself.

Before & After

Waist, breasts, legs, skin tone...

I've heard so many men say they wish their wives could just see themselves through their eyes. Your guy loves you and he loves your body.

Your body turns him on so show it to him!

Get A Bra that Fits

2011-09-19T14:00:00.001-05:00

80-85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size!

Are you one of them?

Signs your bra doesn't fit:

You "pop out" the top of your bra. Your breasts are spilling over the cup. Put on a tight tshirt and test it out. Does your breast look round or is it lumpy spilling out of the top of your bra?
Your bra puckers and wrinkles in the cups. You can grab a section of your bra and not have any breast in there. Or you bend over and your bra is falling out of your bra.
Your bra band rides up your back throughout the day. You shouldn't have to readjust and pull it down.
The under wire isn't flat against your ribs or skin. Even in the middle between your breasts, it should lay flat.
It's digging into your shoulders or back and causing the look of major back or shoulder fat.

Discovering your bra size

Using a soft tape measure, measure around your rib cage just below your breasts. Add 4 inches and round up to the nearest even number.
Using a soft tape measure, measure around the largest part of your breasts over the nipples.
Subtract the difference between this number and your band measurement.Then find the match: A=1", B=2", C=3", D=4" etc.

For example, if you measure a 27" around your ribs then your band size is likely a 32. If your breast size is is 36" then you'd be a 32D.

Wearing the right size bra adds so much confidence. Plus, it can make you look like you've lost weight (10-20lbs for some!). There are certain styles, fabrics and types of bras that are suggested depending on your size and body type. Go meet with a professional for some suggestions or check out The Lingerie Handbook for some tips.

Remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T13:14:00.004-05:00

I was reading an article on NPR about a wife who was able to speak to her husband on he 105th floor for about thirty minutes before the south tower fell and he passed away. The two had known each other since they were 16 and were 50 when he died. She spoke of how he wanted her to live a full life and kept repeating "I love you" in their final phone call.

My heart aches for those of you that lost loved ones and others in the events of September 11th and those that followed.

Take time today to show how much you love those around you.

Say I love you.

Hold them close.

Do an activity they enjoy.

Think before saying harsh words. Is it really going to matter in the grand scheme of things?

Take time to reflect and ponder on what's important in life.

Feelin' Sexy Friday: Boudoir Pictures

2011-09-08T23:12:00.005-05:00

I realize Boudoir Photos could be controversial.

Do you think it's okay to show so much skin to somebody who is not your husband?

Have you had a good or bad experience?

What about your husband?

Boudoir Pictures could be a great gift for your spouse and seem to be becoming more popular. Recently, I've seen a lot of deals for these on my local Groupon and other deal sites.

These are a great gift for a spouse that's going away on deployment or a business trip, a memento of your young body, a fun surprise, or an idea for a girls night.

There can be a lot of variety in boudoir pictures.

If you're a bit camera shy you could just do some digital pictures with your girl friends or ask others about photographers they've used.

You could even set up timed pictures and do them yourself. If you're doing them yourself, turn the flash off and maybe have some candles or soft lighting. It'll leave a soft, subtle glow and be forgiving of any imperfections you worry about.

You choose the level of nudity you are comfortable with. I've seen some really classy boudoir photos where they're still sexy but have some mystery.

You can choose the style you'd like. For example, vintage pinup style may be better for those of you that have a few more curves since that's the style anyway.

You can do them inside, use your bedroom, outside or in a studio setting.

Mix up what you're wearing. You could gradually lose clothing in each picture or just have a variety of outfits you wear or don't wear.

It's all about attitude. Be confident and comfortable. If you feel sexy, you'll look sexy.

Types of Kisses

2011-09-08T22:00:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how other cultures have incorporated kissing into daily life. They kiss when they say hello, goodbye, good morning, sorry etc. It got me thinking about different kinds of kisses.

Greeting Kiss

You basically touch cheeks and make a kissing sound

Cheek Kiss

You kiss the cheek, quickly with your lips only

Lip Peck

Squish your lips together and place them on the other person's lips

The French "Soul" Kiss

You open your mouth and stick your tongue into the other's mouth. You may do this quickly before pulling it out or use your tongue to explore the other's mouth.

The Pain Kiss/Necking

You start kissing, but open your mouth slightly and take a quick nibble. This is usually done on the neck so it can be referred to as necking or the Vampire Kiss.

Just for fun, I looked up a list of some bad kisses. I love some of these names!

The Roto Rooter: Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.

The Swordfish: They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt and violent manner.

The Deep Sea Diver: They rarely come up for air.

The Lizard: Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.

Frozen in Time: They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.

The Squid: They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.

The Wrecking Ball: They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!

What fun kisses have you tried to mix things up?

Any that you've really hated?

Faking Orgasms

2011-08-20T21:04:00.004-05:00

Are you guilty? Why do you do it?

It's estimated that as many as two-thirds of women fake orgasms during their lifetime. Men fake orgasms, too.

Instead of faking next time, actually enjoy a good orgasm (or two or three or more!). Remember, that it's estimated that only 8% of women will never be able to achieve orgasm. So you will likely be able to figure it out.

Here's how you can:

Practice on your own
Mutual Masturbation
Practice Sensate Focus
Tell him what you like before, during or after

Check out this post for more ideas

Consummation

2011-08-07T08:00:00.002-05:00

I have a few friends and acquaintances getting married this summer as I'm sure we all do. A lot of these couples haven't had sex during their courtship.

One scenario I've heard quite often with these girls is that she is unsure if she wants to have sex the first night or not. I've actually heard a few guys admit that they are a bit unsure about sex the first night, too. Most explain their anxiety saying it will be quite the jump from the activities they've been engaging in thus far and maybe they wouldn't be ready. They acknowledge the sexual tension and desire are there, but they're still unsure. They have so many questions and don't know how it will happen. It's completely new territory.

This is one common example of the Good Girl Syndrome that I've seen. I've also heard the phrase, "Sex is dirty and evil- save it for someone you love" to explain the conflicting messages some get about sex in relationships. How confusing! A moment passes, an official says a few words and suddenly you can consummate your marriage. It can be a really difficult transition for some.

What advice would you share with these newlyweds?

Will it just come naturally?

What did you do (or wish you would have done) to prepare for your wedding night?

What's in Your Bank Account?

2011-08-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

John Gottman often talks about the Emotional Bank Account within a relationship.

Every time a good or positive interaction takes place, a deposit is made.

Each time a negative interaction occurs, a withdrawal occurs.

Gottman found that strong, stable couples often had 5 Positive to every 1 Negative interaction that occurred within their relationship. They are positive 5 times more than they are negative!

It's okay to make suggestions about what your partner could change, be late for a date or have a bad day. Nobody is perfect, but you need to make sure that these withdrawals aren't over- drafting your account.

What's in your bank account?

What are some of the big deposits that your spouse does for you?

Check out The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last for more information.

Erectile Dysfunction

2011-07-25T16:12:00.006-05:00

It is estimated that about 90% of men will experience some kind of erectile problem at some point in their lives. In most cases, the problem is short-lived and is quickly resolved.

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to maintain an erection during sexual activity at least 25% of the time. The majority of ED causes are psychological, but physical and other issues may contribute. A common cycle that occurs in men that struggle with ED is that an erection is difficult to achieve during one encounter, then he worries about it and may worry about it during other encounters inhibiting erection or avoid sexual encounters. Worrying about it makes it more difficult. Sometimes, ED may act as a precursor to future cardiovascular disease.

Common treatments include maintaining a healthier lifestyle- eating well, exercising regularly, quitting smoking, treating cardiovascular issues and having relational support. Having a supportive partner can make all of the difference.

A Woman's Guide to ED

Diagnosis & Tests

7 Myths of ED

Couple Sleep Positions

2011-07-22T12:23:00.005-05:00

What's your couple sleep position?

We usually start in the Sweetheart's Cradle until he falls asleep, then I roll over to my side of the bed. He likes to be close and I like to breathe my own air to sleep. We're usually doing the Leg Hug by morning.

Some researchers came up with fun explanations for each position. You can read about them here.

Comfort Sex

2011-07-18T08:00:00.002-05:00

There was recently an article about comfort sex.Most women don't orgasm the first few times and the number one sexual dysfunction for men is premature ejaculation so flings may not be as potentially enjoyable as a monogomous relationship. The author talks about how when you're in a long-term relationship, it's easier to relax. A long-term relationship provides the comfort needed to fully release control, get to know your partner and develop a sexual script. There's joy in knowing how things are going to happen and knowing you don't always have to put on a show. There's comfort in knowing you'll love each other no matter what.

Some people while having sex or trying something new start to engage in spectatoring- worrying about what they're doing while they're doing it. This makes sex much less enjoyable and can even contribute to some sexual dysfunction.

The best comfort sex allows you to just relax and enjoy the full benefits.

Shunga Product Recommendations

2011-07-12T19:26:00.003-05:00

I receive a lot of emails asking for anniversary, birthday, and other gift ideas. The products from Shunga are among my favorite. They are very high quality and come packaged beautifully, great for gift giving. They really make you feel special when you open them.

All of the products in their line are exceptional, but here are a few of my favorites:

Garden of Edo Organic Collection set:

$94.95
Includes: Exotic Green Tea Massage Oil, Exotic Green tea Aphodisiac Oil, TOKO Organica lubricant, Lotus Noir enhancing gel for her & him, Lotus Flower erotic Bath Salt from the dead sea.

This is a great gift set that has a little bit of everything. The enhancing gel does the trick without being too overpowering and all of the oils and sea salts have nice scent without being too intense.

''Secret Garden'' Female Orgasm Enhancing Cream:

$24.99
"Apply on the clitorital region by taking time to massage the tissue under the clitoris. You will discover new sensations that may take you to the limits of female orgasm. "

This is a great product. Especially for girls who struggle with relaxing and allowing themselves to become aroused. I highly recommend it.

“Rain of Love” G-Spot Arousal Cream:

$25.99
"Did you know that every woman has a G-Spot? The G-Spot stimulation can lead to intense feelings and new heights of sexual arousal, even to multiple orgasms within a same intercourse! Discover the “Rain of Love” to: Learn how to localize the G-Spot; Discover, with or without a partner, your G-Spot; Explore many positions that will help you arouse the G-Spot; Spice up your love life; Enjoy your G-Spot and reach the ultimate orgasm pleasure!"

This is similar in theory to the Secret Garden cream mentioned above, but is placed just inside your vagina on the G-spot. The two products actually go quite well together. Very impressive little potion :)

Shunga has many other products (oils, male sensitizing and sensitizing creams, etc.) They are all organic and all fabulous. Have you tried this line before? Which product is your favorite?

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Exercise

2011-07-05T21:13:00.005-05:00

Get a good work out in during the day.

Maybe, it's just going for a walk with the kids during the day. Join a gym in your area or join a local dance class. Dance around your living room for a while. Just make sure you're doing something physical.

Exercising will decrease stress and anxiety while improving your mood, energy and body image.

Sheet Music by Kevin Leman

2011-07-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

A colleague recently recommended this book to me and I absolutely love it! Dr. Leman is a Christian Psychologist and is very clear and blunt in this book while still being tasteful. This is a great book to help you in your sexual relationship and marriage. He talks about sexual satisfaction, dysfunction, a few positions and techniques, differences and similarities between men and women etc.

Here's a little excerpt: (you may have to click to zoom in and read)

The Art of the Strip Tease

2011-06-29T08:00:00.001-05:00

Doing an at home strip tease could be a fun, short little thing you do or you could get prepared by practicing and then make it a performance. It's a great way to build your self confidence, too! Get dressed up and let your husband enjoy.

Wear Layers such as a button up shirt, a lace bra, a short skirt, lace panties, stockings, heels. The point is to keep your body a mystery and slightly hidden. A thong or barely wearing anything will dull some of the anticipation. You could even layer some sexy items under your every day clothes and surprise him as you start undressing for bed.

Have confidence. Make sure you feel comfortable in whatever you are wearing. He'll love if you can flaunt what you have. Remember, he loves you and your body- muffin top and all!

You could see if there are pole dancing fitness classes in your area. It's a great workout! Then, invest in a pole and give your hubby a private show.

Try one of the Aerobic Striptease workout videos at home and then perform for your husband.

Use some music and dance around a bit.

Have some rules like you can touch him, but he can't touch you unless directed to.

Set it up to make sure he has a good view. Put him on a chair or on the bed.

Walk around a bit, turn around. Give him a good view of everything.

Slowly undress. When you're about to remove something, give him a little peek, then cover it up, then slowly take it all the way off. When you're ready to take your bra off completely, turn around and then slowly turn back toward him.

Start with accessories then work from the head down.

Avoiding the Fate of Jon and Kate Plus 8

2011-06-28T20:03:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I'm totally behind the times. The break up of Jon and Kate was eons ago. But I was watching Kate Plus 8 the other night and just kept thinking how sad the whole situation was. What happened really? Did the kids get in the way? Were the just selfish people? I honestly don't read enough tabloids to know the details. But I do know that children can cause stress and chaos. With the kids being home for the summer, I'm sure a few of you are already wishing for September!

Here are a few ideas I've been pondering:

DATE! Go on dates with your husband! You need the time alone and chances are, the kids will be grateful too!
Dedicate at least 15 minutes of focused time to your kids so they won't feel sad when you sneak into the bedroom for 15 minutes with your man ;)
Don't give up. There are seasons of life. Try to look past the diapers and late night feedings. Someday you'll be empty nesters and have him all to yourself.

Do you find that your marriage struggles when the kids struggle? What do you do to stay positive with your spouse when all you want to do is send the kids to boarding school? How do you plan on avoiding the fate of Jon and Kate?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

2011-06-25T21:12:00.006-05:00

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is a practical book to help improve your marriage. It's a quick, easy read and you can get your spouse involved in reading each chapter and doing the activities with you.

Gottman makes a great case for marriage and exposes some myths about marriage as well.

People who stay married live four years longer than people who don't.

Half of all divorces will occur in the first seven years of marriage.

About 60% of all conflicts that occur in a marriage will remain unresolvable. Yes, happily married people still argue!

Men are more easily physiologically overwhelmed by marital conflict than are their wives.

In his sample, 94% of the time that couples put a positive spin on their marriage's history, they were likely to have a happy future as well.

Gottman is sometimes known as the divorce predictor. He has averaged 91% accuracy in determining whether a couple will stay together or divorce in three separate studies after watching a couple interact for only 5 minutes. He uses a lot of the observational data he gathered from the Seattle Love Lab- a house where couples would come and live and be observed by his team of researchers.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

Whether or not your man is a father yet, take some time to show him how much you really care about him today.

Tell him how grateful you are for him.
Appreciate all he does.
Give him a chance to do something he loves and enjoys.
Show him how much you love him.

Reader Experience -- Overcoming Sexual Abuse

2011-06-14T22:30:00.001-05:00

One of the biggest frustrations in my life hasn't been "the best way to please my husband." The majority has been the frustration of how to have a loving and romantic relationship when sexual abuse is a part of my past. There are many degrees of sexual abuse, and all of it affects your ability to fully open up your body to a loved one.

As backwards as it seems, many people who have endured sexual abuse blame themselves. The reason is not clear and even though I have done that, it still boggles my mind. No matter what kind of person you were, or the abuser was, it was not your fault. Ultimately it only matters on the kind of person you strive to be. If you want to be able to give your mind, body and soul to a loved one, then you can. It may take months or even years, but it is possible.

Talk to someone. Whether it be your spouse, a friend or a professional. Someone needs to know and be the sounding board for the things that burden your heart. You don't need to go into extensive detail of every little thing that has ever happened to you. Just share what effects it has on you now. I for one had a hard time letting my spouse touch me in a romantic way. Some ways I was touched, positions and even words reminded me of the pain I had gone through and I shut down. I could not perform sexually when feeling past violation creep up.

The biggest step to my healing was learning that my husband is not a past abuser. He is a loving and caring man and wouldn't hurt me in the same way. It is so important to separate the people you love in your life away from an abuser.

Abuse is a very painful and horrible topic. Being open and honest about do's don'ts and other things will make love making a little more loving and a little less painful. Let your spouse in on the things that burden you in bed so that he can help you through it. And most of all, enjoy your spouse.

Swimsuit Season

2011-06-10T08:00:00.001-05:00

{via}

Make sure you check out our past posts on grooming in preparation for swimsuit season.

Also, if you subscribe to coupons and have a Walmart nearby you may be able to score a Noxzema Bikini Razor for free by using a $2 coupon from 5/11 Red Plum insert. I've never used a Noxzema bikini razor, but I've read some good reviews and it's free so it's worth a shot!

Feel free to share any other tips, tricks or advice!!

Adding a Little Variety

2011-06-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

See how many days in a row you can have sex. And how many times you can have sex in just one day.
Let him bring you to orgasm as many times as he wants.
Have secret words so you can imply what you want in front of the kids (e.g. ice cream=sex).
Have slow sex. See how long you can go before climax.
Have gentle sex.
Have a quickie.
Have rougher sex.
Get a hotel for a weekend and stay in the room all day.
Don't wear underwear under your clothing. This may work better-or at least feel more comfortable-with a dress or a skirt.
Do a strip tease. Wear layers. A shirt and a shirt with buttons is a good idea. Wear sheer fabrics. Almost show something, show it quickly and cover it before uncovering it. You can touch him, but he can't touch you.
Wear some sexy heels or cowboy boots during your encounter.
Play some sex games. Get some dice, play strip poker, twister, wear the twister mat and use it. Do a search for sex games.
Have sex with all of the lights on.
Try new oils and lubricants.
Look up new sex positions and try them out.
Have sex in new places- the kitchen, the living room, shower, outside, the car etc. (Remember privacy and obscenity laws, though.)
Get a copy of the Kama Sutra and learn more about the Eastern perspective on sexuality.
Use sexual toys. There are so many things out there beyond the standard vibrators, rings, sleeves, furniture to help get in a better position, pheromone enhancers etc. Take a look. Do your research.
Engage in mutual masturbation. Either stimulate yourself in front of your partner or guide him to what feels good to you.
Be verbal when you have sex. Tell him what feels good, better and best (and not so good if necessary).
So some role play. Recreate a first date or wedding night. Flirt, tease and have some fun. Try some sexy costumes when you role play if you'd like.
Take boudoir pictures. Hide them around for him to find or give him a photo book.
Take erotic pictures of each other. (Any good ideas of how to keep them away from children and others?)
Share your sexual fantasies with each other. Everybody has fantasies. You can go a step further and see if you can fulfill them in any way.
Keep eye contact throughout the entire sexual experience- especially during orgasm when you naturally want to close your eyes. This could be one of the most intimate moments you've shared.

Money, Sex, and Happiness

2011-06-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

I came across this article on WebMD that caught my attention. You can view the published article it's referring to here.

Sex is better for your happiness than money.

That's what these researchers from Dartmouth found. Pretty amazing-right? They found that "sex enters so strongly (and) positively in happiness equations that they estimate increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the average American."

"Overall, the happiest folks are those getting the most sex -- married people, who report 30% more between-the-sheets action than single folks. In fact, the economists calculate that a lasting marriage equates to happiness generated by getting an extra $100,000 each year."

That's a pretty hefty raise!

Shy Erotica

2011-05-30T08:00:00.002-05:00

This list includes more mild forms of erotica and romance that you could use in your relationship.

Reminisce about how you fell in love. Tell him what you loved/love about him.
Public Displays of Affection. Hold hands, rub his back, play with his hair, nibble his ear, kiss etc.
Try to inconspicuously rub or grab his butt (or other things) while out.
Have a make out session. Better yet, make out somewhere outside of your home.
Write love notes on the shower wall.
Get dressed in front of your husband in the morning. Ask him to help you put your bra on.
Plan a relaxing night in. Send the kids away.
Get out for a couples massage.
Massage each other at home.
Send him out on a mission to choose some lingerie for you.
Go buy lingerie together.
Wear lingerie out on your date under your clothing and subtly give him a little sneak peek for when you get back home.
Do the housework in lingerie. Change in to your lingerie before he gets home from work.
Watch a romantic movie together.
Read a romantic book or poetry.
Do Sensate Focus.
Compile sensual music that gets you both in the mood.
Incorporate food (e.g. strawberries, whipped cream, honey)
Light some scented candles. Scents such as jasmine, lavender, and ylang ylang are said to be aphrodisiacs, but do your research.
Write love notes in emails or texts. Talk dirty.
Meet for your lunch break at home.
Take control of a sexual encounter.

I'm working on another list with some ideas that may require a bit more bravery and higher comfort level, but I thought I'd start by sharing this one.

What other suggestions do you have?

Sex Stopper -- Criticism

2011-05-25T21:50:00.003-05:00

Do you find that you are being highly critical of your spouse and/or other people around you? It's not attractive and it's not helping anyone. Are you being critical because you're on edge and stressed? What are you trying to accomplish? What's the real feeling behind it? There are more productive ways to suggest a change or express your sadness, anger or disappointment.

Cut the criticism.

John Gottman, a prominent marriage & family researcher and therapist, considers criticism to be one of the warning signs that a marriage could be headed for trouble. Do your best to catch yourself and learn how to better offer critiques or even complaints without attacking another person for who they are.

Guest Blogger -- Unwanted Porn Use in Marriage

2011-05-23T22:00:00.000-05:00

Pornography is always a hard topic to talk about. You never know how people feel about it. In a marriage it can be extremely dangerous. So what's the key to keeping your romance life in check when your spouse is "keeping their jollies to themselves?"

First off is recognizing the signs. If your spouse has no desire to have sex, I believe that would be the first sign. If they keep to themselves a lot, don't let you check their browser history or often delete it, those would also be sure signs. Also if they used to have a high sex drive but "seem" to not anymore, I'd keep an eye out for it. So let's say they do look at pornography. Now is the time that you take the next step. Confrontation.

Just ask. Nicely. Don't come out with your guns blaring and ready for a fight. Tell them that you have your suspicions and just want to know the truth. Also mention that you want them to feel free to talk to you about it. Especially if it is something that you do not approve of. And more important than anything: BE THE KIND OF PERSON THEY CAN TALK TO! I can't stress that enough. If you get mad every time they mention they slip up, or are having a hard day, chances are they will just stop talking to you.

One thing to remember as a spouse of a pornography addict is this: this is NOT about you. You are going to feel hurt, betrayed, even angry. DO NOT express these feelings when they arise. The only time you should ever talk to the addict about these feelings is when you are calm, collected, and caring. Your spouse is already feeling guilty and ashamed. So if you express these emotions right when they surface, you are telling your spouse that you don't care how they are feeling. You're taking the focus off of his problem, and putting the focus on you. Never EVER do this. The moment you do, whatever progress you've made in communicating about his addiction, will have taken numerous steps backwards. His addiction isn't meant to hurt you. And most importantly, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He hasn't cheated on you. It doesn't matter that you feel like he has, he hasn't. Once the problem is out in the open, chances are he will be wary of accepting any outside help. If you plan on staying married to him, you need to be patient.

Pornography is an addiction that is worse than any drug. They are going to have it for the rest of their life. This isn't to say they will never stop viewing pornography. Just that you will BOTH have to struggle and fight for the rest of his life. Again, if you plan on staying married to him, you now need to be gentle, patient and extremely compassionate as you encourage them to get help. Ultimatums should be avoided in all but the most extreme cases, and never mention divorce. Stay at your parents or a friends house if you must, but divorce is not a threat, it's a death sentence to your marriage. Show willingness to listen, accept and love them despite their problem.

Now how to help them stop? Encourage them to talk to religious leaders, go to support groups, seek counseling and friends that have/had the same problem. As your spouse goes through this, do the same thing. Talk to religious leaders, seek out support groups. Friends are different, you have to ask permission to speak to one of your friends about it. If you do not get permission, and do it anyway, your communication on the subject will dramatically decrease. You broke trust! Suggest that you put passwords on the computer. Ask them if it's okay if at the end of everyday you ask how they did that day. Go through the browser history of your computer together. Use the computer in a public room. If Internet is on their phone, see if their is a way to get it removed or check up on it or install a phone Internet filter.

Most important above all this though, have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Even if you aren't in the mood to do it, the best way to avoid a spouse masturbating, is if the urge is constantly being taken away. It also wouldn't hurt to spice things up a bit. Maybe what the spouse is craving is a little spice. Lingerie, different positions, dirty talk or toys. Obviously you would talk about these things beforehand, see what you are both comfortable with.

The biggest thing though is communication. Talk about everything. Now these aren't professional opinions. Just opinions of many who have dealt with the same thing. Things will get better as long as you have a calm and open heart and trust your spouse, even when it's hard.

I would add that pornography isn't always about sex. Even if you try to increase how often you're having sex, it may not affect their pornography addiction at all. But in most cases where pornography is an addiction, it's something they have learned to do to cope with stress, anxiety, boredom or something else. An addiction is an addiction. Even if life is going better in another area, the addiction will still be there. It takes time and a lot of work in different areas to overcome.

If you are the spouse of an addict, make sure you are seeking help and support yourself. It's usually not helpful to vent to your spouse how extremely hurt you're feeling right from the beginning. Eventually, this is appropriate, but probably not at first as it may push them away and feed into their feelings of shame. You still need somebody to talk to along the way and you need to be available for your spouse to talk to. I also don't usually have addicts fully disclose to their spouse if I think it might be harmful. Some couples do better with full disclosure upfront and others don't really want to know or prefer gradual disclosure over time.

My Thoughts on Pornography

2011-05-13T21:00:00.002-05:00

I'm very appreciative of all the comments different views on the Ask The Audience-- Pornography post. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

Some have asked for my opinion so I'll share.

My thoughts on pornography stem from my training and research, experience working with many couples, families and individuals in counseling as well as more personal experiences with friends and family. I realize that not all of you will agree with me, but I hope we can still have respectful dialogue.

Pornography is intended to cause sexual arousal. There are varying forms of pornography from soft porn to hardcore. There are varying story lines or not, varying types and levels of violence or not, varying characters, varying levels of reality etc. Regardless of all of these types- the purpose is still to cause sexual arousal.

There is some research that suggests the addictive power of pornography. I've certainly seen some individuals in therapy for starting out with a little bit here and there and developing an addiction that they are disgusted with and feeling shameful of themselves. Some of these people have religious or moral beliefs against pornography and others don't. I've seen some in therapy that view hours and hours of porn each day and don't even realize the extent of their viewing until history logs are reviewed. Spouses may begin to wonder if their partner is thinking of them or someone else during sex. I've seen couples come in where the husband has a porn addiction and the wife has an eating disorder. I believe they are related. More women are viewing pornography than ever before. The pornography industry will continue coming up with more extreme sexual portrayals, means to distribute and will continue to grow.

Pornography is meant to be individualistic, self-gratifying, and sexually arousing. Pornography can create a false sense of being wanted and needed, an escape from reality. Masturbating is a simple way to ease anxiety, feel gratified and sexual. As I stated earlier, I find it interesting that most people view pornography alone. I think people intuitively realize that pornography is objectifying. Most people don't openly broadcast when they're going to go look at porn and masturbate or even that they do it at all. The sexual response cycle is naturally meant to be a bonding experience as oxytocin is released so I think it's important for couples to have this experience together as much as possible.

I know that a main argument in favor of pornography in a marriage is that it can spice things up. I believe sex can still be fun and exciting without pornography. In my opinion, the risks of pornography outweigh the possible benefits. With the couples I've worked with where desire and arousal are difficult, they have found other methods. I don't usually recommend viewing pornography to improve a couples sex life. However, I recommend varying types of erotica within a relationship.

If you and your spouse have found either pornography or erotica useful in your relationship then I applaud you for expanding your sexual repertoire out and doing what works for you! I believe each couple should find what works well for them. As a counselor, I am open with my clients about my opinions and the research I am familiar with and will work with each couple to find what best fits them.

For those that asked, I've heard Candida Royalle makes some tasteful couple-oriented pornography. She has also written a book.

Feel free to read the following links from Psychology Today for some references to research:
Cupid's Poisoned Arrow
Not All Warnings about Porn are Moralistic or Unscientific
The End of the Porn Debate?

Slice of Advice -- Date Each Other

2011-05-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

Too often couples get caught in a dating rut. They either just go to dinner and a movie or don't even go out any more. They think it's too much of a hassle, they already have their great catch, their spouse already knows they love them, why waste the money... Wrong! It's worth it! Keep the spark alive!

Make sure that you and your hubby are dating each other. You might think you know everything about him already, but you don't. You still have plenty to talk to each other. Plan a nice night out on the town, get dressed up for each other, plan a great evening inside with a themed dinner date, go try something new.

Be creative.

Feel free to comment with great dates you've had in the past and exchange ideas here.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

Mother's Day is a great day to celebrate womanhood whether you have children or not.

Hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day!

I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit and not have to worry too much about cooking, cleaning and/or children.

Did you get or do anything special for Mother's Day? What's your idea of a thoughtful gift?

Slice of Advice -- Turn off Electronics

2011-05-01T22:41:00.006-05:00

Turn your phone off. Turn off the TV. Turn off the games. Turn off the computer. Maybe even spend a whole day (or more) without these things.

Take the time to actually BE with each other. Fully engaged in the moment. Give each other your full attention.

Then, go turn off the lights and have some fun!

Erotica vs. Pornography

2011-04-28T00:18:00.008-05:00

Keep the comments coming on the last post. The discussion has been very interesting to look through and I'm impressed with the respect shown in most comments.

In my mind, there is a difference between erotica and pornography. I will share my opinions on both realizing that you may not necessarily agree.

Erotica can be defined as literature or art dealing with sexual love.

Pornography is the depiction of erotic behavior intended to cause sexual arousal.

Some have written me asking if I would recommend erotica in their marriage, but I think they're really asking me about viewing pornography together.

Your definitions may be different from mine. I think movies with a passionate kiss or sexual tension (e.g. Pride and Prejudice), songs, poems and many pieces of art are erotica. Pornography, to me, leaves nothing to be wanted- it's all right there in front of you. It's sole intent is to be sexually arousing. Erotica may have a side effect of being sexually exciting to some, but it's not the sole purpose. Another interesting thing about pornography, is that people don't usually want to broadcast their use or viewing of pornography and many do it in private (Notice all of the anonymous comments in the Pornography post).

There can be wholesome connecting forms of erotica and others that cross the line into pornography. The line is becoming increasingly blurred. It likely varies between couples and individuals what falls where.

Some questions that might be helpful to ask yourself and your spouse to determine if material is appropriate in your relationship could include: Is this material demeaning, objectifying or uncomfortable? Is the sole purpose of this to be sexually arousing? Do my partner and I both feel comfortable? If we differ in our opinion- why?

There was recently an article in Psychology Today where the author explains his distinction between erotica and pornography. He articulates his ideas much better than me and I agree with most of what he says.

Ask the Audience -- Pornography

2011-04-26T06:00:00.000-05:00

What are you thoughts on pornography? Is it good or bad? Is it okay in a marriage? Does it depend on the situation?

Is there a difference between erotica and pornography? Where do you draw the line? Is one okay, but not the other?

Have you been affected by pornography use in your partner? Have you struggled with a pornography addiction yourself?

Are romance novels really just pornography for women?

Should we just expect that most people will look at pornography at some point in their lives? Is it just normal for men to look at pornography? What about women?

How does pornography use affect a relationship?

Do you have a story you want to share? Do you have advice to give?

Comment or email me at alyssamftATgmailDOTcom

Easter

2011-04-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

"He is not here, but is risen."
Hope you have a wonderful Easter with those you love.

The Sex-Starved Marriage

2011-04-22T23:13:00.005-05:00

"Contrary to what you might think, a sex-starved marriage is not necessarily one that has no sex (although abstinence can and does occur); it is a marriage where one spouse desperately longs for more touch, physical connection and sex, while the other spouse, for a variety of reasons, just isn't interested."

Michele Wiener-Davis has written a book entitled The Sex-Starved Marriage. Many couples enjoy reading this and find it very useful.

She also has a book called The Sex-Starved Wife. She found in a study that 60% of women say they want sex as much or more than their husbands. She claims "Low desire in men is America's best kept secret." You can watch a clip of her on the Today Show as she talks about this book.

Michele operates in her practice from a solution-based approach and gives lots of tips and ideas so if you want a practical book and are willing to try new things, these books would be a good fit for you.

Sexless Marriage

2011-04-21T22:00:00.002-05:00

Sex should be approached with love and respect. I believe that the sexual relationship is to be nurtured by both individuals. It is within each partner's power to discuss and improve their relationship if there are struggles.
If you aren't satisfied with the frequency of sex in your relationship, say something to your partner. However, don't attack or be demeaning or blaming. You could try one of the following:

"I love you and I want to be closer to you emotionally and physically...."

"I would like to increase the amount of intimacy we experience in our relationship and I think seeking outside help would help us look forward to...."

"Sex is really important to me because it makes me feel...."

Feel free to offer other suggestions that have worked for you.

Don't say things like "When are you actually going to have sex with me?" "Is your sex drive just dead?" "Why don't you love me?" These comments are manipulative and hurtful and will just push you further apart.

In most studies, both partners generally desire more sexual frequency. Simply talking about it and making it a priority in your life may be all it takes.

It is normal for one partner to have higher desire than the other.

It can be beneficial to understand if there is something feeding in to one partner's low desire. Some possibilities might include:

Past sexual trauma
Past or current shameful sexual behavior (e.g pornography use, emotional or physical affairs etc)
Misunderstanding of each others sexual history
Eating Disorders
Body Image struggles
Knowledge of the sexual response cycle
Culture around sex
Individual beliefs about sex and its meaning
Possible sexual dysfunction
Medical problem or difficulty

Preparing for Marriage

2011-04-15T06:00:00.000-05:00

I'm going to write this from the viewpoint that you are preparing for marriage and haven't yet had sex. I understand that not everybody that reads this blog is a virgin at marriage, but to make writing this easier I'll just aim toward that audience.I recommend Premarital Counseling for anybody wanting to get married. If nothing else, you will be given the opportunity to talk about things that will impact your relationship in a safe environment. This is a great environment to talk about sex and the basics of the sexual response cycle. Don't be afraid to ask questions or ask for resources such as books to help you become familiar with sex and help navigate your way through. It's also a great environment to talk about other real life issues like finances, role expectations, housing, values etc.

Be open and honest about your sexual history with your partner. If you've had sex before, they should know. Keeping secrets is never a good way to start off a lifetime of happiness. Your partner is the one person that should know everything about you. If they can't accept you for your past than you're probably better off without them. Also, don't guilt or shame your partner if they have had previous partners. Forgive them. Move on. Build your life together.

If one of you has a sexual history and the other doesn't, be aware that this has the potential to become a divider if not openly discussed. So make sure you talk about it if you feel self-conscious. Be kind and patient with each other.

If there is a history of sexual abuse, make sure your partner knows and is aware. Victims of sexual abuse may have flashbacks or react to a sexual situation differently than expected by their partner. It's important to talk about triggers and what is uncomfortable. Seek professional help if the sexual abuse is still affecting you and your relationship. As a witness to your partner's abuse, be patient, calm, loving and understanding. Never pressure your partner to do something if they are uncomfortable.

Discuss your sexual expectations. Frequency of sex, how arousal takes place, sexual activities, grooming etc. You may have to revamp this once you are married and actively having sex. In fact, you may revamp multiple times throughout your relationship. If you can start off your relationship talking about sex then it will be easier to talk about it later on.

Discuss expectations for birth control and child-bearing. If you choose to use birth control, decide together what method would be best and make it both of your responsibility.

If one or both of you experiences pain or some kind of dysfunction, seek help and guidance. Work through it together.

Be patient, loving and understanding.

Remember that sex is a divine gift from God. It is an opportunity for husband and wife to be united physically, emotionally and spiritually. Celebrate your unity with each other and enjoy expressing your love and commitment to each other.

Ask the Audience -- Lingerie

2011-04-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

Some women tell me they don't like to wear lingerie. When I dig deeper, a lot of them just don't know what style of lingerie to wear or what looks good on them. I'm not a style expert so I thought I'd ask you what you've found.

I think if you feel comfortable and sexy, it will show in how you carry yourself and you will look sexy no matter what you're wearing- or not wearing.

There are lots of different styles and fabrics. For example, I've noticed that lace and sheer fabrics can be really forgiving of stretch marks and other skin imperfections and baby dolls can be worn throughout a pregnancy.

What do you suggest for different body shapes?

To get you thinking...

Here are some body shapes:
Triangle
Inverted Triangle
Rectangle
Hourglass
Rounded
Diamond
Pregnant
Nursing

And here are some lingerie styles:
Baby Doll
Slip
Thong
Boyshort
Halter neck
Chemise
Peignoir Set
Negligee
Camisole
Garter
Bodystocking
Corset
Teddies
Lace
Opaque
Silk
Cotton
Knee length
Floor length
Asymmetrical

Comment with your suggestions and findings.

Let us know if one of you experts wants to do a guest post about this!

Health Benefits of Sex

2011-04-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

Sex Relieves Stress
Sex Boosts Immunity
Sex Burns Calories
Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health
Sex Boosts Self-Esteem
Sex Improves Intimacy
Sex Reduces Pain
Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk
Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles
Sex Helps You Sleep Better

Please don't use these reasons to try and convince your significant other to have sex with you.

For more information, see the full article on WebMD.

How to Choose a Sex Therapist

2011-04-07T14:51:00.004-05:00

If you and your hubby are looking for a more individualized discussion and treatment for sexual dissatisfaction or disorders then I really recommend meeting with a sex therapist.

AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) as well as AAMFT (American Association of Marriage & Family Therapy) are great places to start your search. Hopefully, you can find somebody in your area that meets your needs.

Don't be afraid to shop around for a therapist. Most counselors will do a free initial phone consultation. Be upfront about your background, your values, your goals and qualities you would like in a therapist. You will have a better experience if you are open and honest.

2011-03-30T08:04:00.000-05:00

Hello G.I.L. Readers!

My name is Kelsy Burke and I am a graduate student at the University of Pittsburgh. I am conducting research that explores how Christians use the Internet to talk about issues related to sexuality. If you are 18 years or older, I’d like to ask you to participate in my study by completing an online questionnaire.

You don’t need to disclose your real name, and no identifying information will be recorded. Your participation is completely confidential and after you submit your responses, they are stored securely in a password protected database. There are no risks or benefits for participating in this study.

The questionnaire will take you about 15 minutes to complete and will ask you basic demographic questions (e.g. age, race, marital status, education). It will also ask you questions about your religious affiliation and participation, Internet use, sexual practices, and sexual attitudes.

You will see a statement about compensated online interviews when you take the questionnaire. I am not conducting interviews at this time but I appreciate your help with the survey component of my study.

Here is the link to the questionnaire. In order to access it, you’ll need to enter the access code: faith11.

If you have any questions about the study, please feel free to contact me.

~Kelsy

This research study is being conducted by Kelsy Burke, Ph.D. candidate at the University of Pittsburgh. It has been approved by the University of Pittsburgh Institutional Review Board and is being overseen by Distinguished Professor and Chair of Sociology at the University of Pittsburgh, Kathleen Blee. For more information about Kelsy, check out her website, www.kelsyburke.com.

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Embrace the Muffin Top

2011-03-25T08:00:00.003-05:00

I recently watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love and there was a scene in there that made me smile and think.

Here's the movie scene:

The main character, Liz, is eating pizza in Naples with her friend when her friend looks guiltily at the pizza and explains she cannot eat it.

"I want to, but I've gained like 10 pounds.... I've got this right here on my tummy. What's this called?"

"A muffin top. I have one, too. Let me ask you this.... In all the years you've ever undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out or left?"

"No..."

" That's because he doesn't care. He's in the room with a naked girl. He's won the lottery... I'm so tired of saying no and then waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consume so I know exactly how much self-loathing to take into the shower. I have no interest in being obese. I'm just through with the guilt."

I've worked a lot with women with disordered eating and body image issues and these are often tied to sexuality. There may be a million different reasons for this, but that's to be discussed at another time.

Embrace your body! Love who you are! Your man will love you no matter what your body looks like. Confidence and being comfortable with how you look is sexy!!

My challenge for you is to show that confidence. Go initiate an intimate interaction. Put on some nice lingerie or go in the buff or show your confidence in how you pursue. Do whatever works for you. I bet your man will love it. Let me know how it goes.

Have a great Friday!

Questions or Suggestions for further topics? Email alyssamft{at}gmail{dot}com

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

2011-03-23T08:00:00.003-05:00

You’ll notice in the statistics on sexuality post that 8% of women rarely or never orgasm. This may surprise quite a few of you. I’ve heard a lot of women say that they can’t orgasm and worry that they never will. However, most of them figure it out.

I once heard a sex therapist compare an orgasm to a sneeze. That is that it varies so much from individual to individual. It varies in intensity, length, frequency etc. Don't compare yourself to others.

In order to properly treat this, first examine what you think the possible cause is. Are you stressed out? Are you on medications? Do you feel somewhere in your mind that you should not enjoy sex? Do you have a good marital relationship? Is sex painful or uncomfortable?... There are a number of factors that could contribute to lack of orgasm so just make sure you’re doing a good self-assessment. (See posts such as The Good Girl Syndrome or Hypoactive Sexual Desire and Sexual Response Cycle)

Here are some ideas:

Do sensate focus.
Have your spouse figure out what feels good for you. This is what I refer to as mutual masturbation. Communicate with him on what you like regarding pressure, speed, intensity etc. Do you enjoy manual or oral stimulation? The clitoris is the base for female orgasm. Do you know where the clitoris is located? Do you realize that it might withdraw part of the way through the SRC for some women?
If you feel comfortable masturbating, you could try it. Don't know where to start? See here. More women are successful on their own than with a partner. My personal belief is you should try with your partner to promote couple intimacy. It’s a learning process for both of you. Some women who masturbate to orgasm would rather just do it on their own than ever involve their partner. I think it’s better if the experience is shared. It's up to you.

Try different positions.
Some positions allow the clitoris to be more easily stimulated than others. Try a few. You could even have the man insert his penis slightly while also manually stimulating your clitoris. Make it a gradual process until the manual stimulation can be removed.

Create an environment to promote orgasm
If you’ve reached orgasm before, what were the circumstances? Were you in lingerie? Was it spontaneous sex? Was sex planned? Were you kid-free for the night? Were you not stressed about work, school, money etc? Just figuring it out could help. Or you could try to make circumstances similar.

Don’t focus on orgasm
Often when you are so worried about having an orgasm, you won’t orgasm. Just try to enjoy sex for a week or two without worrying about orgasm and see what happens. Focus on pleasuring your partner, connection, and closeness. See how long you can go with just foreplay.

Examine what orgasm means to you and your partner.
Do you judge a good sexual encounter by how “good” the orgasm was? How many times orgasm occurred? What about foreplay? Is sex only successful or enjoyable if orgasm is attained? Do you like to be in control and hate to lose control and orgasm? What does it mean to not orgasm? Talk about it.

Kegal Exercises
So easy to do and you can do them anywhere. Nobody will even know. Strengthening the muscles is helpful and will help give you some control.

Therapeutic Devices
Eros Clitoral Therapy Device Therapy
An Eros-CTD will increase blood flow to clitoris by acting as a vacuum

InterStim Neurostimulator
Implant that sends electrical impulses

Gwen also has some recommendations for vibrators here, here, here and here.

Statistics on Sexuality

2011-03-17T20:10:00.009-05:00

{via}

Many surveys have been conducted regarding sexuality.

Kinsey Report (1947): Sample of 18,000, sample of convenience
Masters and Johnson (1960’s): Small sample, lab setting, convenience sample
Shere Hite Report (1976): Sample of 3,000, 3% return, women’s magazine subscribers
Redbook: 2% return of 4,700,000 readers
Janus Report (1993): sent to 4550, 2795 returned-61% return
Several European and U.S. studies in 1990’s

People often wonder what's "normal". For the sake of these statistics, we will use the National Health and Social Life Survey from 1990. It's one of the best studies completed so far.

Sample of 3,432, Ages 18-59, randomly sampled, 90 minute interviews in home & has published findings in two books (The Social Organization of Sexuality and Sex in America)

Here are some findings:

We marry people like ourselves-class, age, religion, ethnicity, educational background—also seems to be true in terms of sexual practice
75% of Americans report high satisfaction with their sex life
84% of couples fantasize during intercourse

Thinking About Sex
Every Day

54% Men
19% Women

Few Times/Month

43% Men
67% Women

Less than 1/mo or never

4% Men

1% Women

Frequency
4+/week

Married: 7.3%
Single: 7.0%

2+/week

Married: 36.1%
Single: 28.3%

Few Times/Month

Married: 42.5%
Single: 36.2%

Few times/Year

Married: 12.8%
Single: 17.2%

Not at all

Married: 1.3%
Single: 11.9%

Fidelity
Never Had an Affair

Men: 65-85%
Women: 80%

Duration of Sexual Interaction
Less than 15mins

11% Men
15% Women

15-60 Mins

69% Men
71% Women

More than 60mins

20% Men
15% Women

Frequency of Orgasm
Always

75% Men
29% Women

Usually

20% Men
42% Women

Sometimes

3% Men
21% Women

Rarely/Never

2% Men
8% Women

Physically Pleased

47% Men
40% Women

Emotionally Satisfied

41% Men
38% Women

Practices Found Enjoyable
Vaginal Intercourse

83% Men
78% Women

Receiving Oral Sex

50% Men
33% Women

Giving Oral Sex

33% Men
37% Women

25% of both men and women have tried anal intercourse at least once

Sexual Dysfunction
3% of men and 14% of women reported pain during intercourse
8% of men and 21% of women reported that sex was not pleasurable
8% of men and 24% of women had been unable to have an orgasm
16 of men and 33 % of women reported lack of interest in sex
17% of men and 33% of women reported performance anxiety
28% of men and 10% of women reported that they climaxed too soon

If you're happy with your sex life, that's all that matters, These are just numbers.

Do you feel like you have a better-than-"normal" rockin' hot sex life?

Getting Pregnant

2011-03-03T14:02:00.008-06:00

I once had a friend tell me that baby-making sex was the best sex she'd ever had. I've heard many women say that baby-making sex is the first time in their sex life where they feel like that can take control and really enjoy it.

We took a little while to get pregnant with our first baby so sex became a bit of a roller coaster for us. I finally decided to educate myself a bit more and read Taking Charge of Your Fertility
and I highly recommend it.

Here are some of the things I learned:

Most (not all) women ovulate 14 days before their period. It's not after ending your period. Ovulation may vary month to month for the same woman.
There are usually many variations in basal body temperature (BBT) throughout the month. A spike of about .4-.6 degrees usually signifies ovulation. Once your temperature has risen it means you have ovulated; it doesn’t mean that you’re about to ovulate. BBT varies between people. Take your temperature at the same time every day. Do it after having 5 hours of sleep so it’s a resting BBT. BBT is affected by stress, sickness etc.
Your cervix changes position throughout your cycle. It can be low, raised, open, soft, hard etc. Generally a high, open, soft cervix is indicative that ovulation is about to occur.
Your cervical mucus changes throughout your cycle. It can be sticky, thick, wet, flaky, dry, yellow, clear, opaque, nonexistent etc. Generally, mucus about the consistency of egg whites (thin, stretchy, clear) is indicative of ovulation. A woman’s fertile phase only lasts as long as she has fertile cervical mucus.
Tracking BBT, cervical position and cervical mucus together can be the most helpful in determining ovulation.
Sperm can survive in fertile (egg white consistency) cervical mucus for up to 5 days. This is longer than it will survive at any other time in your cycle.
A woman’s egg can only live up to 24 hours.
It’s okay to go to your doctor even if you have been trying to get pregnant for less than a year if you’ve been monitoring your body well (BBT, cervical mucus and cervical position) and have some knowledge of what’s going on. It will help the doctors have a better picture of what's going on. If you haven't been monitoring these, it's suggested that you wait until a year before seeking fertility help from a doctor.
Conception actually occurs in the outer third of the fallopian tubes, not in the uterus. The sperm meets the egg in the fallopian tubes and they start to multiply into many cells and then go and implant on the uterine wall.
Both men and women can have problems that cause infertility. About 1/3 of fertility problems are caused by women and another 1/3 by men and the other 1/3 are a combined reaction or unknown. Still, fertility should be thought of as a couple issue. Do not blame one of the partners!

That's a lot to keep track of, but I believe that anticipation can help both you and your partner. Sometimes, planned sex can be nice. Maybe, lay out your lingerie on the bed for your hubby to see so he'll know what he has a lot to look forward to at the end of the day.

Sex has the potential to become a bit stressful if you're taking a while to get pregnant, but remember that whether you make a baby that time or not to still enjoy the experience with your partner!

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

2011-02-19T20:54:00.008-06:00

There have been reports of women stating a low sexual desire from at least 1972.

Here are some stats from recent studies:

Berman et al (2003)
• Sample:4,000 women with sexual dysfunction
• 40% reported not seeking help
• 54% of those would have liked to seek help

National Health & Social Life Survey (1999)
• 43% of American women suffer from sexual dysfunction
• 1/3 say they lack sexual interest
• About ¼ to not experience orgasm
• About 20% report lubrication difficulties
• About 20% find sex not pleasurable

It is also known that women are unlikely to discuss sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction with their physician.

In 1977, low sexual desire was labeled as a specific disorder. However, only 10% of women ages 18-45 meet the criteria for a desire disorder diagnosis. That means that you are probably one of the many that has only a few hurdles to increasing your libido! And even if you do have HSDD, there are still many forms of treatment.

As a clinician, this is the diagnosis criteria that I would use.

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)

A. Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, taking into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as age and the context of the person's life.

B. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

C. The sexual dysfunction is not better accounted for by another Axis I disorder (except another Sexual Dysfunction) and is not due exclusively to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

Specify type:
Lifelong Type
Acquired Type
Specify type:
Generalized Type
Situational Type
Specify:
Due to Psychological Factors
Due to Combined Factors

Assessment

Here is a rough outline of what I’d do and ask about:
1. Clarify the problem (e.g. details, history, past attempts at treatment)
2. Determine onset (gradual, acute, lifelong)
3. Determine context for the complaints (generalized or situational)
4. List all sexual symptoms
5. Go over typical sexual response cycle
6. Consider partner reaction to the sexual dysfunction (level of conflict, stress)
7. Assess couple motivation for treatment
8. Medical, psychiatric and surgical history

Each of these would impact how to treat the sexual dysfunction. I like to match the type of treatment with the cause. For example, if you’re taking Paxil or Zoloft I’d explain that about 70% of the patients on those medications have sexual side effects. I’d suggest you look into alternative medications. If you think it’s psychosocial, I’d suggest counseling, talking to partner etc. I almost always suggest Sensate Focus for clients presenting with sexual concerns.

Here are some possible treatments:

Physical

Adjust or change medications that have sexual side effects. Look up the side effects of current medications.
Treat thyroid problems or other hormonal conditions. You can usually have your doctor order blood work to test this.
Optimize treatment for depression or anxiety. Make sure you’re following through on your doctors recommendations. Also, I recommend reading Feeling Good and When Panic Attacks.
Try strategies recommended by your doctor to help with pelvic pain or other pain problems
Estrogen, Progesterone or Androgen Therapy
Tibolone, Provestra, Hersolution or Vigorelle (Not FDA approved). *In a small study, women taking the drug experienced an increase in vaginal lubrication, arousal and sexual desire.
Strengthen pelvic muscles by doing Kegal Exercises
Have a healthy lifestyle by eating well, exercising, getting enough rest etc.
Estrogen vaginal cream
Switch medications to something less likely to affect hormones (e.g. lots of birth controls impact libido depending on amounts of hormones)

Psychological

Seek Counseling. Look for somebody that says they have experience working with sexual issues. Even better, look for somebody who has treated sexual issues relationally (with couples as well as individuals). The best sex therapy occurs when both partners are involved. *Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has resulted in 75% of women significantly improving with 65% remaining improved at 1-year follow-up. (Basson et al., 2005)
Talk to your partner. Let them know how you’re feeling and have intimate, connecting conversations.
Sensate focus, which is similar to systematic desensitization, often found in therapies that treat anxiety, is shown to have about a 50% success rate following treatment. (Basson et al., 2005) This means that it is still effective even after finishing therapy and sensate focus exercises; it has lasting effects.

Happy Valentine's Day! And a WINNER!

2011-02-14T17:49:00.007-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day, Loves! Did you know this is my favorite holiday? Oh really?... How'd you know? I'm so glad we could do a little Valentine's Day Giveaway today and am so pleased to announce the winner. Including the anonymous email entries I received, there were a whopping 132 entries! We may just have to do this again sometime :)

The winner was an anonymous email entry and has asked that I keep her name private. I have contacted her via email so check your inboxes :)

In case you missed it, here's what she's won:

A pretty in pink Siri by Lelo. Babeland.com offers the Siri in pink and purple. Lelo designs high-end toys in discrete packaging. The unoffensive design puts to rest any discomfort or hesitation that a first time toy user may feel. Many of the reviewers on Babeland.com's site have named the Siri as their favorite accessory. It's rechargeable, sleek, quiet, and cute.

Here's what they say about the Siri on Babelands website:

Shake hands with Siri, and you may never need to meet another clit vibe again. A beveled shape for targeted clit vibration, six pulsation and speed options (controlled by an intelligent microprocessor, no less!), intuitive controls, and Lelo's quality construction and materials make for a perfect storm of pleasure. And as with all Lelo vibrators, Siri is rechargeable and nearly silent, so you can enjoy it anytime, anywhere. Cup it easily in the palm of your hand, and the rest will come as easy as Sunday morning. Comes with a one-year warranty against breakage or defects.

I hope you all have a fabulous Valentine's Day! Thank you again for participating in the giveaway and for all of your kind words.

xoxo,

Gwen

Sensate Focus Follow Up

2011-02-11T09:28:00.006-06:00

{via}

I'm curious to hear how The Sensate Focus Challenge went.

What went well? What didn't?

Did you and your partner learn anything new?

Were there difficulties? Why do you think?

Did you like it? Did it benefit your relationship?

Any tips or advice you'd give others doing this challenge?

As always, feel free to ask questions or make suggestions for future posts.

Valentine's Day Giveaway!

2011-02-10T09:10:00.008-06:00

What better way to celebrate Valentine's Day on a blog about love than a big GIVEAWAY! The winner will be announced on Valentine's Day. Leave a comment on this post to enter, or you can enter anonymously by just sending me an email to gwenisinlove {@} gmail.com. So enter with confidence :) So, whats the prize? I'm giddy with delight to share it with you!

Babeland.com was kind enough to offer Lelo's Siri as a Valentine's Gift to one very lucky reader. The Siri retails for $99 and is worth every pretty penny. The Siri is rechargeable and nearly silent. And, as with every Lelo toy, is made with the most fabulous silicon and ABS materials --silky soft and smooth to the touch. The Siri is extremely powerful, especially for it's tiny 3.5 by 1.75 inches And of course, it's pink for Valentine's day!

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post or send me an email to remain anonymous. I won't disclose your name without your consent. gwenisinlove {@} gmail.com

xoxo,

Good luck!!

Military Marriages

2011-02-08T05:30:00.001-06:00

Dear Gwen,

First let me say I ADORE your blog. My question is what is your advice for us military wives? My husband is often gone and it is very hard on the relationship. Even when he comes home it takes a lot of time to slowly get back into the swing of things and get used to eachother again. Any ideas or tips on keeping the romance going for us gals' who's hubby is gone often?

-A Military Wife

{photo credit}

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. And more importantly, thank you for your family's sacrifice. Military families are my heroes.

I'm not sure what protocol is for the military communication, but here is one solution I thought of for you. I assume you are able to send letters to one another.

Try writing an erotic letter to your husband. Don't hold back. Tell him what turns you on and describe your fantasies in detail. It doesn't have to be wild or crazy, but it certainly can if you'd like. The letter can be as simple as describing a past sexual encounter with him. Encourage him to have an orgasm. Though you are miles or seas apart, you will be connected. Tell him to write you back quickly because you are anxious to enjoy the same experience.

Your focus will remain on each other and you will feel as though you still know each other sexually.

Let me know if you try this, how it works out for you. Was his response positive?

Valentine's Day Wish, Simply Livly

2011-02-07T14:22:00.003-06:00

Is this hint too bold for you, dear husband? Isn't this necklace from Simply Livly gorgeous?!

Sensate Focus: Levels 4 & 5

2011-02-05T08:00:00.004-06:00

*To clarify, Level 4 is just penetration without any movement and stimulation afterward. Level 5 includes movement and continued stimulation, but stopping before orgasm. I posted both levels because I realize for some moving between these levels will happen quickly. Those who have difficulties with lubrication, tenseness, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction or other issues should move gradually between these levels.

Level 4: Penis inserted in Vagina

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 3. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? What was it like to include genital touch without expecting intercourse? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 4.

Level 4 of sensate focus includes all previous levels and now he may insert his penis into your vagina. Some of you may feel like it is extremely difficult to do this without working to orgasm or fully having intercourse. Slowing it down helps you each tune into the experience. This step is particularly important for women who are having trouble staying aroused after insertion or having trouble lubricating and for men having erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.

Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you find certain positions are more comfortable or stimulating? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is there a certain order of touch that you prefer (foreplay) that you find more enjoyable? What happens if you do kegal exercises while his penis is inserted? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Level 5: Intercourse excluding Orgasm

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 4. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? What was it like to insert penis without expecting intercourse? Did you find you were more relaxed? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 5.

Level 5 of sensate focus includes all previous levels and now intercourse without orgasm. This may be really difficult. The goal is to help you both learn what is stimulating. Slowing it down helps you each tune into the experience.

Which areas are more sensitive than others? Are certain speeds more stimulating? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you find certain positions are more comfortable or stimulating? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is there a certain order of touch that you prefer (foreplay) that you find more enjoyable? What happens if he uses his hand to stimulate your clitoris while having intercourse? What happens if you do kegal exercises while his penis is inserted? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Are the conversations awkward or relaxed?

Ask the Audience: Sensate Focus

2011-02-02T00:24:00.007-06:00

A few women are having trouble convincing their men to try the sensate focus challenge with them.

Have any of you talked your partners into trying sensate focus with you? What's worked?

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 3

2011-02-01T07:00:00.005-06:00

A few have asked for tips to improve their sex drive. Try sensate focus for a bit and I'll do a follow up post to answer this question more in detail. Sensate focus generally has a 75% success rate for increasing desire so give it a try.

Level 3: Nondemand Touch Including Breasts and Genitals

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 2. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 3.

Level 3 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts and genitals. Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you like oral or manual stimulation more? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is it okay for your partner to just directly touch genitals or do you prefer touch in other ares first? You have a few choices here. You could explore by stimulating close to orgasm to figure out what is arousing for your partner. (If you want to veer a bit, you could stimulate to orgasm. If you’re experiencing any anxiety or nervousness or tenseness then do not include orgasm. Remember, orgasm is not the goal. These exercises are to increase sensitivity and intimacy.) Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Do you find that you are having a hard time staying tuned in? Is it difficult to do nondemand touch without intercourse?

Valentine's Day Gift Guide at Babeland

2011-01-31T05:48:00.000-06:00

If you've been considering purchasing a toy (I'm not talking Barbie doll, I'm talking vibrator) but have been too shy or too concerned with cost to pull the trigger, then Valentine's Day is your friend. It's the perfect "excuse" to do something daring and maybe a little bit embarrassing. There is a great Valentine's Day Gift Guide from Babeland.com here.

Don't be afraid to spend a little bit of money on a toy. A quality product will make your experience more pleasurable. It is, after all, going to be touching your highest quality parts :)

Any questions?

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 2

2011-01-28T05:00:00.000-06:00

Somebody asked how long it takes to see benefits from practicing sensate focus.

The key is to only move on to the next level once both partner's feel full comfortable and have discovered what feels best for them and their partner. I recommend at least a couple days at each level for you and your partner to fully reap at least some great benefits. You need to learn how to cue in to your own body and what feels good, but you should also be paying attention to your partner. It can also be beneficial to practice sensate focus (or at least nondemand touch) every once and a while for a day or two throughout the course of your relationship.

Level 2: Nondemand Touching and Caressing Including Breasts

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 1. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 2.

Level 2 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts. Which areas of the breast are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused? Do you find that you enjoy nondemand intimacy? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How’s it going so far? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Valentine's Day Lingerie and Sexy Gifts

2011-01-27T12:58:00.004-06:00

Sure the Valentine's Day Date is fun, but Valentine's isn't really about the date -- it's about what happens in the bedroom AFTER the date. So let him take care of the romantic diamond ring you've been eying and the fancy dinner downtown and you worry about the fun part. Your gift to him doesn't even need to be wrapped because, ideally, it should be wrapping you! Valentine's Day Lingerie is what your man is secretly hoping for (trust me, I know these things.)

Hide a little number like this under your little black dress and he'll be squirming all night! He'll love this gift more than a box of chocolates or a pair of basketball tickets. Lingerie is the type of gift that keeps on giving. Men are visual creatures -- so give your man something to look at!

And if you're looking to step it up a notch, try something sweet like this chocolate body paint. It's a fun way to switch up your routine.

Have you ever tried giving a sexy gift for Valentine's Day or have you always stuck with a new tie? Give it a try. He'll be quite pleased :)

Sensate Focus Challenge

2011-01-24T13:49:00.008-06:00

{via}

Sensate focus is a set of exercises created to help couples improve their focus on the senses during intimacy. Master's and Johnson, sex researchers, created this term and came up with various exercises for individuals and couples to do to create self and other awareness during intimacy. The purpose of sensate focus exercises is to realize that orgasm is not the main goal of sex, but, rather, for each individual to focus on their own sensations and learn about their partner to become fully be engaged in the intimacy that comes during intercourse.

Sensate focus is one of the most commonly used exercises in sex therapy, but could be beneficial to almost any couple. I have seen these exercises improve relationships in those who claim they already have an amazing sex life, those struggling with sexual dysfunction and those who have a past history of sexual abuse. Over the course of the various levels, partners are able to tune in to their own bodies as well as their partner's and make sex more relaxing, fun and enjoyable.

There are 5 basic levels of sensate focus proposed by Master's and Johnson: (1) nondemand touching and caressing without the breasts, (2) caressing including breasts but excluding genitals, (3) caressing including genitals, (4) penis in the vagina, and (5) intercourse excluding orgasm.

There are a few rules for the Sensate Focus Challenge:
1- Do not move until the next level until both individuals express they are comfortable with the current level.
This is usually where a good therapist gets involved and can check in with each partner. Make sure you are being completely honest with each other about your comfort level. This could take a matter of days or weeks or months. Definitely take your time. Enjoy the experience together!

2- Do not have intercourse until after completing Level 4.
I know what you are thinking. That's just crazy. How could it improve my sex life to not have sex?! But, trust me, it will. I've seen some couples that claim they just "have to have sex" throughout the whole thing, but they really don't get much out of the experience. It's worth it to go a few days or weeks without sex for improved intimacy. Talk to your partner and get him in on the plan.

I will post the assignment for each level every few days. Remember to follow the rules. Go at your own pace. Relax. Enjoy.

Here's the first assignment:

LEVEL 1: Nondemand Touching and Caressing

The first level is for you and your partner to practice nondemand touch for at least 30 minutes (15 minutes each) once a day. (You can modify this if needed. That's just my recommendation.) No genital or breast touching.

Maybe, start with your partners hands. Gently rub your finger over the back of their hand. What do you notice? Is it bumpy, smooth, dry? What does your partner notice? Is he/she pressing hard, soft, moving in a certain way? Gradually move up the arm asking yourself and your partner the same kind of questions. Touch the legs, The Face. Ears. Neck. Back.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

Sexual Response Cycle

2011-01-17T16:25:00.009-06:00

You would be surprised at the number of people I have talked to or heard about that have no idea how sex works. I think this is a very valuable and important place to start. For many reasons, the sexual response cycle isn’t always taught well. Parents assume their children will just figure it out. Or maybe a kid learns about it from his or her peers. Or maybe from the media. Maybe, it was too taboo to talk about sex in your family or with anybody else. Sex education is very lacking in my opinion. So I’m going to start at what I think is the beginning with a very basic overview of the sexual response cycle.

But first, here is one scenario I’ve heard.

Fred and Wilma show up to the doctor both very depressed and lighthearted. They want to get pregnant, but they can’t. They are wondering what is wrong and why it is taking so long. They explain, “Doctor, we are doing it. Every day! We take off our shirts and rub against each other for sometimes over an hour even. It’s getting so bad and it’s painful! Both of our chests are getting so chafed! We’ve tried putting oil on our stomachs and everything! Why aren't we pregnant yet?!”

…Yes, they were just rubbing chests. OUCH! I’m so glad they sought help, though. Needless to say, their sex life improved drastically!

There are two parts of the Sexual Response Cycle (SRC). The first is Psychological. This is the desire to have sex- commonly referred to as one’s libido. The second part is Physiological or the anatomy behind sex. It is my belief that God knew what he was doing when he created our bodies. Sexual intimacy is to be enjoyed and meant to be a uniting experience physically, emotionally and even spiritually.

Five Phases of the SRC

1. Desire (Psychological)
Throughout cycle
a. Male
• Often more visual
b. Female
• Often more emotional

2. Excitement/Arousal
a. Male
• Increase in heart rate and blood pressure.
• Blood engorges penis
• Erection occurs
• Cowper’s gland secretes fluid
• Lasts 15-56 seconds (re-occurring)
b. Female
• Increase in heart rate and blood pressure.
• Nipple erection in 60% of people
• Blood engorges pelvic area
• Uterus pulls up and away from vagina
• Cervix pulls up from vagina
• Vagina begins to lubricate
• Inner 2/3 of vagina lengthens and descends
• Lasts 15-56 seconds

3. Plateau/Foreplay
a. Male
• Penis color deepens
• Testes fully elevated
• Cowper’s gland secretes fluid
• Seminal fluid collects in urethra (includes sperm from testicles, fluid from prostate gland, and fluid from seminal vesicles)
• Sexual arousal can end here. If ejaculation does not occur, no harm will be done
b. Female
• Uterus continues to elevate
• Vaginal barrel expands
• Vagina lubricates
• Labia increases in size
• Clitoris retracts
• Sexual arousal can end here without harm

4. Orgasm
a. Male
• Internal sphincter of bladder closes and rectal sphincter contracts
• Contractions force semen to ejaculate through urethra
• Internal contractions in vas deferens, seminal vesicles and prostate gland
• Involuntary rapid pelvic thrusting
• Facial muscles may contract
• Hyperventilation
b. Female
• Contractions in orgasmic platform
• Uterine contractions (similar to labor)
• May have multiple orgasms
• Involuntary rapid pelvic thrusting
• Facial muscles may contract
• Hyperventilation

5. Resolution
a. Male
• Blood leaves pelvic area
• Penis returns to unstimulated size
• Testes descend and scrotum thins
• A mix of hormones are released causing most men (and some women) to become sleepy
b. Female
• Uterus drops back to normal position
• Cervix drops into seminal pool
• Vagina returns to normal

And for the visual learners...

New Guest Blogger -- Alyssa

2011-01-17T16:04:00.009-06:00

I am so excited to be a guest blogger on here with Gwen! I’m a Christian Marriage & Family Therapist that is lucky to work with individuals, couples and families on a regular basis. I believe that every relationship has room for improvement. A lot of my clinical experience includes issues such as body image, eating disorders, reproductive health, abuse, and healthy relationships. I have also received some sex therapy training. I'm always learning and definitely not an expert on any of these topics, but I can do research.

I hope that what I post will be beneficial and fun for you and maybe even challenge you a bit occasionally. Feel free to ask questions and/or post comments because I’d love to dialogue with you! You can also email me at AlyssaMFT AT gmail DOT com.

Please, let me know if there’s a certain topic or area you’d like me to address in the future.

Guest Blogger -- Learning Curve

2011-01-15T13:15:00.005-06:00

I have been receiving several emails from women interested in guest posting. I would love to have more input and different points of view on the blog. That is how we learn. I encourage you to gather knowledge and then decide what is best for you and your husband. If you would like to be a guest blogger, please email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail.com.

I hope you learn something new from our first anonymous guest poster!

Hello, Gwen in Love readers! I saw a lot of comments on Gwen in Love from other women who were frustrated because they have a hard time climaxing, or because they could only climax if they had no distractions and were in the perfect position. I sent Gwen an email offering to do a guest post to share some ideas.

I'm confident that a reliable way to learn to orgasm more easily and in different positions is to practice. Just like anything else, it takes time, effort, and practice to improve our orgasmic potential! I often comment on another marriage forum where many women discuss their orgasm struggles. Many of them recommended a book called I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. Great book.

Here's an excerpt. But first... understand that this book, while very educational, wasn't written with a Christian audience in mind. If you have a problem practicing alone, all these "exercises" can be done with your husband.

"Sometimes we hear from women who feel limited by their own masturbation technique. For instance, perhaps a woman first orgasmed by lying in bed on her belly, squeezing her thigh muscles tight and pressing against her mattress. That technique may have worked fine when she was eleven, but as an adult she might find it limits her ability to have orgasms from other kinds of stimulation. If she wants to be able to come from oral sex, or have an orgasm by rubbing her clit while she`s having intercourse, the lying-on-your belly-thigh squeezing technique may present some challenges."

"Good news: It’s often possible for women to learn to and have orgasms in new ways. The process can be a little frustrating, because you basically have to teach your body that it can respond from other kinds of stimulation-even when you know full well you could get off fast and easily your old way."

* *

"To make this kind of change, start masturbating using your old technique. When you get pretty aroused, switch to a new technique that will allow you more orgasmic versatility. Stick with it even though it will take longer and may not feel as arousing right away—this may require some persistence. You'll probably need to experiment a bit to figure out what feels best and how to make this new technique work for you, much like a woman who's learning to have an orgasm for the first time. (Your advantage is that you're starting with the confidence that comes with knowing your body is capable of having orgasms.) Make sure you orgasm using the new technique. If you're having trouble staying sufficiently aroused, switch back briefly to your old technique to boost your arousal, but then bring yourself to orgasm the new way. Keep practicing even though it'll take more time and might not feel like as much fun. Remember how many years you practiced your old technique!"

*Magic of Ten Game*

Want to have stronger orgasms, and be able to come in a wider variety of positions and situations? Here's a fun game a woman can play all by herself that can help:

1. Wait until you have some private time.

2. Masturbate in your most common, reliable way. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm, but stop before you reach "the point of no return" —do not allow yourself to fall over that orgasmic edge. Count, "one."

3. Change to a new position. If you were lying on your back, try kneeling on your bed, or sitting up with your back against the wall. Start masturbating again. You will have lost some of your arousal, but not all. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm again. It'll be a little more challenging this time, because you're not accustomed to doing so in this position. Again, stop before you reach "the point of no return"—no orgasm allowed yet. That's "two."

4. Change to a new position. You might lie on your side, or crouch doggie style, resting on your knees and one forearm, using your head for support. You might try it with your legs closer together or farther apart than is your usual preference. Again, masturbate yourself almost to orgasm, but stop just before you get there. "Three."

5. Get yourself to that brink of orgasm ten times. You may find it helps to rest for a minute or two in between positions, to allow your level of arousal to fall back a bit before nudging it up again. On the tenth time, you're allowed to go for it—finally!

6. Enjoy an orgasm that will probably be particularly satisfying because of all that teasing. Longer buildups tend to result in bigger orgasms. Plus, realizing your body has the potential to come in so many different positions can be liberating.

For advanced players: Instead of just modifying your physical position, experiment with changing the type of stimulation each time. Try one finger instead of two, vertical strokes instead of horizontal, tapping instead of rubbing. Vary your typical speed or rhythm. Masturbate with various kinds of penetration, both fingers and other phallic objects, Warning: This is a lot harder, and some kinds of stimulation may not work for your body. That's okay—you can also alternate between your reliable way of touching your-self and new approaches. Make up the rules as you go. The best part of this game is that you discover a little more about how your body responds each time you play. There's no way to lose at a game that ends in orgasm!

Slice of Advice: Watch Your Words

2011-01-05T08:50:00.002-06:00

When arguing, remember, you can't take back your words. You can easily add more words but it's very difficult to take them back. Choose wisely what you say.

"Man's tongue is soft, and bone doth lack; yet a stroke therewith may break a man's back." Benjamin Franklin

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- New Years Eve Dress

2010-12-31T06:37:00.000-06:00

New Year's Eve is the perfect opportunity to wear a fancy dress. I find I don't have very many opportunities to dress up, so when one comes around I try to snag it. Dressing up makes me feel different. It makes me feel special. But most importantly, it makes me feel sexy. Throw on some high heels and a shiny necklace tonight and rock that dress. You'll feel sexy for sure!

After your night out on the town, be sure to put that new found sex to good use. Go make some noise in the bedroom and start 2011 off with a bang.

Happy New Year Lovers!

Waiting For Sex Until Marriage

2010-12-28T15:09:00.007-06:00

From a reader:

I stumbled upon your blog today, by total accident and I found it to be really intriguing, to say the least I am no your target audience. Here is a little back ground: I am a sex-positive woman who was never raised with the expectation of chastity from my parents nor religion. My mom always told me I should wait till I felt the time was right for me; that sex is more about love than marriage (and she waited). Even with no parental nor religious expectation of abstinence only until marriage, a rather secular and liberal upbringing I still suffered from really severe sexual dysfunctions. I was diagnosed with the triple threat of vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis, and vaginismus. I figured out that something was amiss during sexual experiences that I had in my late teens and early 20s (which were all in the confines of monogamous relationships that lasted anywhere from 3 to 6 mo
nths) not really going the way I thought they should. I finally went to see a nurse at my university's health center and we went over my symptoms, with a quickly and excruciating examination, she diagnosed me.

I struggled enough in a rather awful relationship, within it I was diagnosed, being berated for being unable to have intercourse. Probably the lowest blows were when he told that no one would ever love me because I couldn't have sex with them and that he had a hard time loving me because of it. Luckily, I found my way out of that awful relationship. I found myself with a new guy, who was just coming out of a 5 year long monogamous relationship where sex was a constan
t, but he was ready and willing to (in my eyes) settle for me and my broken vagina. And would you believe it, almost all my problems vanished and we were able to reach a full level of intimacy just a few months into our relationship. It was a huge deal, of course, bu it really didn't feel like it. I don't know how to describe it. It just sort of happened. There was no planning, no candles, no music, no ceremony, no real romance, no fancy lingerie. But I wouldn't trade it for the world because it was perfect, and it was right for me.

Reading the letter of the woman with FSD really struck me, I cannot even fathom what it would have been like to find out, on my wedding night, that I was unable to have sex. I think that is what bothers me about the perpetuation of concept of the wedding night being a person, particularly a woman's, first time. I feel like a wedding makes you not only exhausted but also pressured to go through with it. What if you're not ready on your wedding night? I feel like you're not given a choice to say 'no' because it is a cultural and religious expectation to consummate the marriage as soon as you find yourself alone in a room, with a bed, with your partner. I think the emphasis on virginity is damaging because it tells girls that all they have to offer their husbands is their purity; when she cannot fully 'give' herself to him she may feel she is useless. Not only that, sometimes a woman's virginity/purity is sometimes held against her in such severe ways she can be murdered or jailed for any suspicion impurity, but I am sure you know this.

I find it really hard to swallow when people just assume that if you're having sex outside of marriage that you're automatically promiscuous. I have no urge nor desire to sleep around; I honestly don't think I could bring myself to do so. I also don't like it when people belittle the intimacy I share with partner, which apparently, is only amazing and meaningful and beautiful if we have rings on our fingers.

{via}

Thank you very much for this well thought out email. I am happy to address your thoughts and concerns. While I cannot speak for all Christians and all old-fashioned girls, I would imagine that many of them share my view points.

First let me express sympathy for your difficulties with sexual dysfunction. It is a very difficult thing to deal with especially as a teenager/young adult. This can be a formative time in a woman's life and experiencing a crisis with your sexuality during this time is unfortunate.

You had commented, "Even with no parental nor religious expectation of abstinence until marriage, [and] a rather secular and liberal upbringing, I still suffered from really severe sexual dysfunctions."

It concerns me that you are indirectly attributing these very serious sexual dysfunctions, vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis, and vaginismus, to a religious, conservative upbringing. These are medical, not social, diagnoses. Possible causes of vulvodynia include, genetic predisposition to inflammation, allergy or other sensitivity (for example: oxalates in the urine), an autoimmune disorder similar to lupus erythematosus or to eczema or to lichen sclerosus, infection (e.g., yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, HPV), injury, and neuropathy--including an increased number of nerve endings in the vaginal area.

You had expressed that "sex is more about love than marriage," and with this I agree. I believe this statement to be very true. For a Christian (and many non-Christians) love is about commitment. I believe Jesus Christ loves me and you, and that he will continue to love me unfailing. Christ is the perfect example to me of love and I know that will never change or waiver. He is committed. This is the kind of love I am committing to my husband when I say "I do." Before I committed to giving my husband my body, we wanted to both commit to giving our heart and soul. Unfortunately, there is divorce and there is heartache. You experienced that heartache when your boyfriend left you because you were unable to have sex. The hope would be that a man and woman be so devoted after making a marital commitment that learning of sexual dysfunction after marriage, for him or her, would be an obstacle that could be lovingly worked through as a team.

You make an interesting point about the pressure a woman (or man) may feel on their wedding night. While most couples feel excitement and anticipation regarding their first sexual encounter, many feel nervousness, shyness, or even fear. I strongly encourage all couples, old-fashioned Christian couples or "secular liberal" couples alike, to discuss at length their feelings and expectations about sex and their first time. Premarital counseling is a great way to open dialog about these topics.

You wrote, "I think the emphasis on virginity is damaging because it tells girls that all they have to offer their husbands is their purity; when she cannot fully 'give' herself to him she may feel she is useless. Not only that, sometimes a woman's virginity/purity is sometimes held against her in such severe ways she can be murdered or jailed for any suspicion impurity, but I am sure you know this."

Fortunately, the emphasis on virginity applies to men as well. A Christian man is taught the principle of purity the same as a Christian woman. I know many, many men who believe and live this principle. It seems to me, your fears may be based upon pairing yourself up with a man who will let you down. If that is the case, find a new man. Of course, we all make mistakes. But luckily, most Christians believe in the concept of repentance. Both men and women can be forgiven of choices they've made in the past.

I am so grateful to live in a country where such severe consequences for expressing ones sexuality do not exist. However, women everywhere still seem to be the party to blame in instances of promiscuity. It is an unfortunate cultural response for women to be labeled and called names while men are congratulated and given a pat on the back. Unfortunately, for this, there is no quick fix.

You said, "I also don't like it when people belittle the intimacy I share with my partner, which apparently, is only amazing and meaningful and beautiful if we have rings on our fingers." My intent is never to belittle the beliefs of others that don't happen to align with mine. I'm confident sex outside of marriage can be amazing and meaningful and beautiful. But I also believe that intimacy is improved when a couple is willing to be more vulnerable with one another. A public, formal, legal commitment like marriage can instill greater confidence in the longevity and stability of the relationship, which enables the couple to be more vulnerable with one another.

There has been much research done for and against waiting to have sex until after marriage. But I hope some of these points could serve as a starting point to understanding why many of my readers and I have chosen to work towards a long-lasting, monogomous relationship that is formalized by the commitment of marriage.

Readers, your kind, well-intended thoughts are welcome.

2010-12-23T05:58:00.000-06:00

Enjoy a Love Story by Lauren of Peace and Love:

Chapter I

"Hey! Hey, daisy girl!"

I wasn't positive why, but I turned around. Somehow, I knew he was talking to me.

"Why aren’t you wearing a flower in your hair today, daisy girl?"

And suddenly, although this had to be the oddest pick-up line ever heard on campus, I'm glad I turned. This tall, blonde hunk of man smiling down at me had apparently rushed to catch me once Psychology let out... to me he looked a little foolish, and a lot of fun. Taken by surprise, I curtly answered, "Um. I don’t know? Nothing matched?" and scurried away, to his confusion and to my regret.

Awesome, Lauren. You suck.

The next day of class, I wore a flower. Travis plopped in a seat next to mine, and declared that we needed to be in a study group. He got my number, and we began to “study”.

Chapter II

Trav quickly became the guy next door. He was always over, always fun, always incredible… but I always thought a He & Me would only be in my day dreams. My room-girls loved him, seriously. There was a lot of Travis-crushing going on in Apartment 218.

But then one day, we wrote a story together during class.

laurenOnce, while in a psychology class,
travThere was a teacher who would speak nothing but oodles of psycho-babble.
laurenIt was a pseudoscientific frenzy! Lauren & Travis could only do one thing…
travNot listen to him, instead they would make small moments together which would one day lead to…
laurenA magical fairy appearing! She turned them into the prince and princess of Bulgaria, where they lived in a castle and everyone in the kingdom spoke in wonderful accents.
travThe fairy said, “You may only be a prince and princess of Bulgaria under one condition, you must always be touchy-feely, and if you are not you will never be…”
laurenHappy! And will lose the ability to think with an open mind. This touchy-feely business is perfectly wonderful for Travis, who is known far and wide as the most flirty prince in the land.
travBut little did anybody know that Prince Travis never wanted to be known as the flirt of the land. And littler did they know that his heart was set upon the prettiest wild flower he had ever seen, and hoped and prayed that this wild flower would one day see him for who he is…
laurenPrincess Lauren then wondered if this wild flower was a Daisy?
travAnd as the Prince sat and thought of something poetic to say the only word that came to his mind to answer the question was “yes,” and boy does he like this Daisy. But wonders about her thoughts about him…
laurenWell, the Daisy can’t help but smile… =)
travAnd in the end the pretty Daisy Girl came to her understanding that the Prince and her were meant to cross paths and spend a moment in time with each other to make each other smile, laugh, to hold hands and even steal a kiss every once in a while. And they did this for the X amount of time they have with each other. And life was good…
laurenSonic Good.

Travis & Lauren

laurenP.S. You surprise me!
travP.P.S. I always will…
laurenP.P.P.S. Let’s have an awfully big adventure? =)
travP.P.P.P.S. As long as we’re with each other… we will.

little did I know, he loved me all along.

He asked me to be his girlfriend the next day, & already i was overwhelmed with how charming he was. After lots of nervous smiles and giggles from me, he asked, "Man... doesn't this just feel right?"

And you know what? It did.

It felt so right.

Chapter III:

On the day of our wedding, Trav & I sat hand in hand, alone. Waiting nervously for the ceremony to start, I was looking at the miniature disco ball on my left finger & feeling the warmth of my soon-to-be husband by my side… I was overwhelmed with the purest joy. Here we were, a princess & her prince about to be joined, forever. We were so happy.

Four months later, we are still as happy as can be. I wonder if this newlywed phase will ever wear off?

{smile.}

Ask the Audience #4: Sex After Baby

2010-12-15T20:20:00.004-06:00

From a reader:

My husband and I have been married for 4 years in March. Sex was pretty good at first. At least, I was comfortable with it emotionally/mentally. Although it was pretty painful for a month or 2 (we were both virgins), the pain went away and we had sex 3-4 times a week. I don't experience orgasm easy but we've figured out how to make that happen too. After we'd been married almost 2 years, I got pregnant. I had zero sex drive throughout the whole pregnancy and even now that our baby is 15 months old, I still don't have one. At least, I don't think I do? I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of it but I feel like its all in my head because I have sex dreams that make me horny or thoughts of wanting to dress up for my husband or buy a new toy, but then when I think about coming to the actual sex part, I get uncomfortable. I even avoid kissing my husband because of what it might lead to. For awhile after having my daughter I thought maybe my hormones just needed to get back to normal, but, now its been over a year and its still the same. I feel like now, I finally get more of a sex drive when I'm ovulating and we have sex a couple times then but once that time of the month is over, I have no desire again. So, I guess what I can't figure out is if this is a low libido that needs to be treated with a supplement or something... or if its emotional for some reason because I feel like I am in the mood but I can't get comfortable with the idea mentally?? I really want to get this figured out! Please help! :(

{via}

Babies are wonderful, fabulous, and rewarding additions to marriage. They bring warm cuddles, heart-melting coos, and change. Lots and lots of change. The dynamics of every marriage change, to some extent, after baby. Your hormones are all over the place and your self identity is confused. You are now someones mom. Life becomes a balancing act between your role as parents and your role as lovers. Unfortunately, the baby doesn't understand that you play two roles.

The problems you have listed (zero sex drive, uncomfortable with the idea of sex, avoiding sex and even avoiding kissing) are all very common issues after having a baby. You have been through a positive experience, but it's also been extremely traumatizing. Since a woman's vagina is used for intimacy as well as childbirth, many women relate sex with the pain of childbirth and the recovery period thereafter. Women often become confused. Breasts, that were once used in intimacy, are now used for sometimes painful breast feeding. How does a woman switch from
"my body is a nurturing tool used to create and provide life" to "I am a sexy, hot woman who wants to feel and offer pleasure?" Confusing.

So, what's to be done? Recognizing the problem is a great start, but we need to fix it. First, give yourself time to heal. You're allowed that. Next, I would suggest either determining for yourself or sitting down with your husband and saying something like, "You've probably noticed that our sex life hasn't been as rockin' hot as it used to be before the baby was born. But don't worry... I have a plan! I am going to initiate sex or some kind of sexual encounter everyday for as long as it takes until we are rolling around in the sheets more enthusiastically than we were on our honeymoon."

Lofty goal? Maybe. But it's effective. This goal puts the control back in your hands. Since you will be the one initiating sex, there will be no need to be afraid of him hitting on you. You will be choosing to kiss him. In your life right now, you have no control of your sleep schedule, your child, or your milk. But your sex life? You have control of that! With a new baby in the mix, you need to be bonded to your man now more than ever. Take charge and change your attitude. If you change your mindset, your body will follow.

Committing to initiate sex everyday is a great goal whether you are a new parent or not. Will you give it a try? It will change your life, I promise.

Do you have any suggestions for this new mom? What has worked for you?

I've Been Nominated!

2010-12-10T21:41:00.006-06:00

Thank you so so much to all of you who nominated Gwen in Love for one of the Best Marriage Blogs 2010, I'm a finalist!!

What a fabulous Christmas gift you have all given me! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have until Tuesday, December 14 to cast your final vote for Gwen in Love to be a winner . It'll just take a minute and I would so dearly appreciate it :)

Much love my darlings!

xoxo,

Gwen

P.S. Vote here!

Romantic Marriages Christmas Kits

2010-12-10T21:13:00.005-06:00

The Christmas season is always so crazy for me. It seems my husband often loses his spot as my first priority. I've been trying to change this and focus on him this Christmas. I'm excited to show you what I've found: an adorable kit from Romantic Marriages.

RomanticMarriages.com offers an all-inclusive “Merry Christmas Deer” romance kit. This kit makes it so easy to have a little holiday fun and frolic with your husband.

The kit begins with a “good boy” letter for your man that says… “The elves reported you’ve been a good boy by being my man through the year, so Santa decided you’ll get what YOU want. Delivery will be by his deer!”

You then visit him on the nights leading up to Christmas as Santa’s slightly naughty deer. Each deer delivers her own gift that makes a very unique memory. (All gifts are included in the kit with the exception of a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant. The kit’s gifts are all relationship enhancement products, they do not contain intimacy products.) The kit is great at creating genuine anticipation as your man wonders which of Santa’s deer are visiting next? With the arrival of the first deer, “Flasher” (Dasher’s naughty twin) your holiday fun will begin!

They also offer the cutest “Naughty But Nice” digital kit. It has 6 printables and loads of ideas matching ideas so you can get on your man’s Naughty list this Christmas.

Cute idea, right? Do you have any romantic Christmas gift ideas?

Hitachi Magic Wand Attachment -- Gee Whiz

2010-12-08T20:10:00.007-06:00

A few weeks ago I did a post about the fabulous Hitachi Magic Wand. I have received several emails asking about the attachments. So, I put on my Sherlock hat and did some investigating. Here's what I've found:

{via}

The attachment is called the Gee Whiz and that is exactly what you say when you have finished using it. The Gee Whiz easily attaches to the head of the Magic Wand and is designed for penetration (the magic wand, itself, is not.) The power of the Magic Wand and the contours and flexibility of the Gee Whiz create a perfectly awesome experience. The Gee Whiz is a must if you are a Magic Wand owner. This is an extremely powerful toy and one of babeland.com's bestsellers. You can buy the Gee Whiz alone here or save $19.55 and purchase the two as a pair here.

Couples love this set like Seattlites love coffee. Have you heard good things about the Hitachi Magic Wand or Gee Whiz?

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Kissing Under the Mistletoe

2010-12-03T04:50:00.003-06:00

This holiday season, hang mistletoe to feel sexy! Kissing under the mistletoe is a great way to incorporate kissing into a busy holiday season. However, your husband doesn't even need to be around for the mistletoe to be effective. Just use it as a reminder to think a sexy thought or send a sexy text message to your man. The mistletoe can be a symbol of your love and commitment to each other during the holidays!

{via}

A Holiday Gift Guide For Lovers

2010-12-01T05:24:00.001-06:00

If you're in love and you exchange Christmas gifts, then this guide's for you! (Did I sound like a car salesman because that's what I was going for :) But seriously, I've received loads of emails looking for lovey dovey gift-giving ideas. Hopefully you'll find some of these to be useful.

{via}

If your man has a sweet tooth, these chocolates from zChocolat.com are the best of the best. They are not only a Forbes Magazine favorite, they're mine too!

If the Chocolate doesn't satisfy his sweet tooth, this surely will. Believe me when I tell you that any man would be through the chimney excited to find a pair of panties in his stocking. Or better yet, tell him what a good boy he's been this year and reward him with a visit from Candy Cane (Just so we're not mistaken, you would be Candy, no need to flip through the yellow pages.) You'll find a great list of elvish attire here.

I absolutely adore this Love Birds print by Fancy Prints.

And how could you fail with getting him An Orgasm in a Box? The name alone says awesome gift. You can read the details here.

I hope this gave you some good ideas! How do you celebrate your love with gifts?

A Thankful Thanksgiving

2010-11-29T05:51:00.001-06:00

Did you have a fabulous Thanksgiving? I certainly did. We tried to put aside emails, shopping, work, and computers and focus on that which matters most -- each other. It was a refreshing and beautiful week. Hopefully you didn't feel too neglected because you were enjoying your sweetheart as much as I was mine.

{via}

For many couples, the holidays become more a point of stress in their marriage than unity. When the craziness of baking and shopping becomes too much in our marriage, we try to cut things out. Eliminate the good but less important pieces of life. The toilets can wait to be scrubbed and the neighbors will survive if they don't receive a gift this year. What really matters are the moments and memories you create with those dearest and nearest to you.

How do you and your honey overcome the pressure and stress of the holidays?

Cyber Monday For Lovers

2010-11-28T21:53:00.004-06:00

Here's a little list of the Cyber Monday deals I've come across. If you're a deal seeker, this may be a better alternative for you than braving the crowds at Wal-Mart. Good luck!

Enjoy FREE SHIPPING on all orders over $25 at MyPleasure.com - Promo Code: FSVR25

Cyber Monday: Get 25% off Everything! Online Only at Torrid.com

Save 10% off Jewelry and Gifts at Dogeared.com's FALL SALE! Enter FALL2010 at check out. Hurry offer ends 12/21.

EdenFantasys.com

20% off orders $75+, 30% off orders $100+, 40% off orders $150+
at FlirtCatalog.com! Use code BLKFRIDAY. Valid 11/23-12/1

Get a jump on your holiday shopping, all from the comfort of your own house, by shopping at Babeland.com."Babeland.com. We'll even give you 15% off your purchase from Monday through Wednesday, Nov 29-Dec 1.

What helps boost your libido?
	Exercising regularly
	Relaxation
	Talking myself into enjoying it
	Aphrodisiacs
	Eating Healthy
	Boosting my self-esteem/self-image
	Fantasizing
	Flirting
	Taking supplements and/or medication
	Sensate Focus
	Dressing sexy
	Practicing on my own
	Initiating and taking control
	I can't figure out anything that works, yet
	I don't need any boost in my libido! It works just fine!

pollcode.com free polls

What issues do you believe affect your sex drive?
	Stress
	Unresolved Issues with Partner
	Alcohol
	Too Little Sleep
	Parenting Chaos
	Medication
	Poor Body Image
	Obesity
	Erectile Dysfunction
	Low Testosterone
	Depression
	Menopause
	Too Little Intimacy

pollcode.com free polls