I have a few friends and acquaintances getting married this summer as I'm sure we all do. A lot of these couples haven't had sex during their courtship.
One scenario I've heard quite often with these girls is that she is unsure if she wants to have sex the first night or not. I've actually heard a few guys admit that they are a bit unsure about sex the first night, too. Most explain their anxiety saying it will be quite the jump from the activities they've been engaging in thus far and maybe they wouldn't be ready. They acknowledge the sexual tension and desire are there, but they're still unsure. They have so many questions and don't know how it will happen. It's completely new territory.
This is one common example of the Good Girl Syndrome that I've seen. I've also heard the phrase, "Sex is dirty and evil- save it for someone you love" to explain the conflicting messages some get about sex in relationships. How confusing! A moment passes, an official says a few words and suddenly you can consummate your marriage. It can be a really difficult transition for some.
What advice would you share with these newlyweds?
Will it just come naturally?
What did you do (or wish you would have done) to prepare for your wedding night?
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, but we still had a great wedding night (although we didn't get it right on the first try, but we did try!). I think the most helpful thing for us that made our first night together a success was a few weeks before the wedding day, we openly and honestly discussed our expectations about the big night with each other, so there were no surprises when we walked into that hotel room together. We talked about everything from lubricant to lingerie, and I told him I would feel more comfortable with the thought of undressing each other to reveal simple (but still sexy) bra and panties underneath, vs. the idea of me putting on lingerie and then walking out into the room saying, "here I am, come get me!" We were still a little awkward, and perhaps a little rushed, when the moment finally came around. And as I said at the beginning we didn't actually get it right until about the 3rd night! But we just relaxed and explored each other's bodies while we practiced practiced practiced until we finally got it. "OH, so that's how you do it!" :)
ReplyDeleteSo my advice to newlyweds who have chosen to wait until their wedding night is, talk to each other about what you expect, and then just relax and take it slow. There's no need to jump into bed as soon as you cross the threshold! Just ease into it, and enjoy the reality that the boundaries you once had when it came to physical contact are now gone. Don't think; just do. Relax and enjoy! And it will eventually just come naturally.
I agree with Anna. The key to a successful wedding night is to discuss everything before hand. My hubby and I were given a book called "don't you dare get married before you read this" that was essentially a giant list of questions/conversation starters that helped us talk about all sorts of important things (sex included). We were able to have a lot of really great conversations before we ever tried to have sex. Find out how you both feel about everything so there aren't any big surprises on the big day.
ReplyDeleteand bring lots of lubricant :)
I'm with Anna: talking openly before the wedding is a must. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, but we had dated for several years, over which time we discussed just about everything we could think of...including many facets of sex. That made our wedding night (or day, rather since we couldn't wait until nighttime) completely comfortable and fun. So talk about it beforehand!
ReplyDeleteI AGREE! Talking is one of the most important things in marriage for sure! My husband and I waited until our wedding day also. We talked about everything we could think of before marriage. When the time came we both new what eachother thought. I loved finding out together and I believe it brought us closer together.
ReplyDeleteBefore marriage I was taught sex wasn't bad it was just something you saved for the person you loved enough to spend forever with and who would in return do the same for you.
THANK YOU!!!! That transition can be soooooooooo difficult! I mean how do you get from just a kiss to the whole shibang!!!
ReplyDeleteThe night of "your wedding" has always been romanticized as one of the most glorious nights of your life! FALSE.... it is awkward and not romantic, it can be hilarious too! I had no fear, worries or concerns around sex. I knew it would be painful and something beautiful between me and my new husband. But I will never forget the fear that washed over me as we walked to the hotel room and I saw the door for the first time. My face went white. I looked and my husband while violently shaking my head and said "Noooooooooooo, I don't want to. I don't want to have sex to night!!!" I could see his face was a little shocked and disappointed. I realized that how do you make that transition? How do I get out of my dress into the NUDE!!!! What if I want a nap first? Or a snack? What do I do when I see it? What do I do when I let him see me? Lights on or off? I had no idea how to make that leap.
What I think really helped was communication. When we were engaged we both read up on each others biology. We had great books, and discussed our boundaries... what we would and wouldn't do. I think that made it more natural the night of our wedding. I am glad to tell you that it did happen that night and far more natural then I thought. Thank goodness my husband was loving, understanding and patient. He was ok with whatever I wanted. That made me feel better, which created me to feel comfortable and trusted. There for I was ready.
And it was awkward... not romantic. Nothing like the movies! And that is the one thing I would tell a bride to be. Don't expect the passion on round one! That too will come naturally the more days into your honeymoon. And the help of KY is a must!!! Keep it near and dear... seriously that will make your life much more wonderful!
I wish that I had a hotel bag packet and brought to the hotel days before the wedding!!! I did not have a thing to change into except for the rob in the hotel closet because in the mix of wedding chaos and everyone wanting to talk to you my bag was lost and magically appeared at the front desk the next morning. OOPS!!!
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married and actually didn't even talk much about sex before. My husband suggested we wait for sex, I was completely shocked because I didn't think a guy would suggest that ;-). We had a wonderful relaxing evening just getting to know each other's bodies and soaking in the tub. In the morning we gave it a try and it went better than I thought! I don't think anyone should feel rushed marriage is about a lot more than sex. Just do it when it feels right!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I openly talked about our expectations, so I had minimal anxiety on our wedding night. I told him I didn't know if I would be ready for intercourse on the wedding night, and asked that we just play it by ear and see how tired we were. I wasn't ready when we got to our hotel room that night -- we tried, but I either wasn't relaxed enough or it was just a little painful, but we got an hour or two of sleep and then I found that I was ready. Don't feel pressured -- you have the whole honeymoon for yourselves to take it as slow or fast as you want!
ReplyDeleteI think it is so important to at least talk about expectations and your sexual history (or lack of)! Too many couples don't talk frankly enough about the honeymoon before they get married. You want to start your sex life off on the right foot.
I also agree with McKinley... another point of advice I'd give a bride-to-be is don't expect pure ecstasy your first time. Don't get me wrong, it was very special to feel that connectedness, but it has been a gradual process over the past year and a half of our marriage for me to learn to be sexual and to RELAX and be vulnerable. It also took us working on it for over a year for me to have my first 'O'.
ReplyDeleteIt's different for everybody, I'm sure, but don't be too disappointed if it takes a while. Just look at it as a process, and have fun in the discovery.
Feel free to wait. The first time doesn't have to be on your wedding night, you can wait a few days and slowly build up to it. I also agree with Paige, the first time isn't ecstasy. In my experience the first time for the bride is going to be very painful.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is definitely TALK about EVERYTHING before the wedding night. What you each expect especially. My wedding night was not a great experience. We didn't talk about it beforehand. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. He was very eager to just get it done. Which led to not much enjoyment for me because I never spoke up. I feel that if we had talked about it then, like we can talk about it now, it would have been a much better experience. I mean we read books about marriage and everything, but reading books together doesn't replace what you actually think and feel about sex. I think we both really felt that the chemistry was there before marriage, why wouldn't it be there for sex? Big mistake on my part.
ReplyDeleteThe advice I would give is this:
1) Talk about your expectations for you 1st night together. Don't be afraid to say what you really want, your man (or wife) is not a mind reader. You have to be very direct as to what you want.
2) Read the book: They were not ashamed: strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. By Laura Brotherson. Best book I've ever read. I wish I would have read it before I got married.
My husband and I were both virgins on our wedding night. We had talked about a lot beforehand, as I had a lot of questions. I honestly did not know a lot, and he-coming from a public school background knew how it all went. I was really sick that night, I think it was all the stress of the wedding, I had some kind of a fever flu and was feeling too sick to do anything. I know he was disappointed but he waited. The next day we decided to try, and I was so scared. Yes, it is awkward, but you communication is the key. Also, I cannot say this enough: RELAX!! It's very hard, but things go so much better when you relax and let things happen. By the end of our honeymoon we totally knew what we were doing and I have to say even know almost 3 years later we are still learning and getting better at it. It's the practicing that makes it fun! :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband & I were virgins before we shared intimacy didn't wait before marriage before having sex... we waited until we knew that we were going to be each others life partners. Personally, I think there is too much pressure on "The Wedding Night", and it is highly overrated. I have to say, our sex life definitely got way better after we tied the knot, but as for waiting, I really don't see the point if you know the person you are sharing intimacy with is going to be your partner for life. Even though we'd had sex before marriage, I struggled some with the "Good Girl Syndrome". Suddenly, after the wedding, everyone knew I was going to be doing "the deed". It was totally awkward as I am leaving for my honeymoon & people are whispering all crazy sorts of advice (no one besides my mom knew we had already been together). I can't imagine the awkwardness of seeing the love of your life naked for the first time, let alone having the expectation of making love to them. I think "The Wedding Night" is HIGHLY overrated; if I hadn't already had sex with my husband, I would have dreaded it, and it's not because we don't spark fireworks in & out of the bedroom. It's just the pure awkwardness, frustration, and pain. I guess I am one of the few readers on here who are actually HAPPY they didn't wait until marriage. My husband & I have no shame & no regrets, and our wedding night was JUST as special.
ReplyDeleteCOMMUNICATE! It might be awkward and weird, but talk. Read a book together. or apart and then talk about it. I know its hard, but its worth it. My husband is a WONDERFUL man, but he had a lot of expectations on our wedding night. He had never heard of anyone NOT have sex that night and when I said that I didn't think I was ready it really hurt him. He was even angry for a little while. That was really hard for me. We got over it, but it effected our relationship for a long time. Now we are very open together about our sex life and it makes a HUGE difference. :) So, as weird as it feels. Talk together.
ReplyDeletePlease note also, that the first time is NOT painful for everyone. Its different for everyone! Don't be afraid. I like what someone said about just getting used to each others bodies that first night, take a bath, cuddle with less and less on. Just relax and enjoy each others company. :)
Sex is awesome and the connection that it brings to your relationship is awesome! Don't sweat it. And dont be afraid to talk about it or to ask questions! :)
I wish I could have read this 5 years ago before our wedding night :) We were both virgins on our wedding night and hadn't really talked about it before the big day. We knew how much we loved eachother, how much we loved making out, and figured the rest would come naturally. Wrong! Our wedding night was super awkward but still...interesting :) I definitely think talking about your expectations, reading a book together, and realizing that practice makes perfect is excellent advice.
ReplyDeleteI will forever be grateful to our marriage counselors... they offered two pieces of really helpful advice to newlywed virgins: Husband, have a small towel handy. Maybe even go get a warm damp one for your wife. She doesn't know about the mess! Secondly, a great position for the first night is wives on top.
ReplyDeleteBeing on top was a good idea for me... I could control all the movements and that made it much less painful than it could have been.
The wedding night was so stressful for me. No, we hadn't talked about it. I had a nice case of "sex is bad" even though I knew it wasn't. So I did what I usually do when I am terrified - I dove in to get the first time behind me. I know the first night and honeymoon were awesome for my husband (I think we had sex three times that night!).
The first few times were not fun or comfortable... but it was thoroughly satisfying to please my husband and be adored like that. Over time I have relaxed... several months later I had semi-regular O's. Five years later and I have wonderful O's... 2-5 per night. Life is good!
So yes - take your time, talk about it if you can, and give yourself time.
I would recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/First-Night-Beyond-Fulfillment-Newlyweds/dp/097152873X
ReplyDeleteIt discusses the emotions, the physiology, how to be comfortable with your own body, and gives tips about what to expect and what to bring with you on your honeymoon. Some of it might be a little TMI (ie, chapters 4 and 5... most of us can probably figure that stuff out through experience).
I had a Family Life professor who encouraged everyone to remember "TTT" - "Things take time" ... especially when it comes to new territory like this!
Sheet Talk is a wonderful book to read together before you tie the knot. I can't imagine not talking about this before your wedding night...we talked openly about our expectations, fears.
ReplyDeleteI'm rather baffled that some couples find it "awkward". Why? If you love someone, giving oneself to the other should be so natural! It is such a beautiful thing.
Hi! :) My husband and I were virgins as well when we got married. I never felt awkward ect... I remember the intimacy coming very natural for us and every moment of the whole evening being exciting and beautiful. Maybe it's because we talked freely about our bodies, sex, ect beforehand..we were very comfortable with each other and it made our wedding night very special!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I also waited until our wedding night to have sex. It was definitely not fireworks and passion, but it was an experience that I look back on so fondly, I am always so excited for my friends as they head off from their wedding receptions to their first night together as a couple. I giggle and get so excited, and my husband just smiles and shakes his head ;)
ReplyDeleteWe too talked a lot about what we expected beforehand, and it totally helped.
Something else that helped me too, was to tell my husband-to-be about my own insecurities about my body. I know many women are embarrassed or insecure about something.. and having never seen me naked, I definitely didn't want him to be let down. After I shared with him what I was insecure about, he surprised me by sharing insecurities of his own, and it made me feel much more comfortable with myself that we both weren't perfect. I had wrongly assumed that he had a perfect body and that he would think mine was unsatisfactory. Well, let me tell you... he definitely found me satisfactory. ;) No need to worry there!
Also, I totally second the KY recommendations above. I thought (wrongly) that if you needed lube, something was wrong with you. Totally not true! That stuff is golden! I even pack my friends a "first night" kit that I leave for them in their car when they get married. It has KY, bottles of water, baby wipes, and breath mints.
It was so fun reading these... like I said, thinking about my wedding night and how wonderful and exciting it was makes me giddy. :)