Sex Stoppers -- The Good Girl Syndrome

Here is an anonymous comment that explains why I write this blog:

Anonymous said...

My libido has disappeared. I'm not talking about, "Don't feel like it." We're talking, "Thinking about it is sort of making me ill."

It's bad over here.

MAY 21, 2010 10:14 PM

There are many, many reasons for a low libido, a few of which are medical. Sex is mostly in your head. Have you noticed? I wrote a little bit about that here and here. One possible sex stopper, things that stop you from having sex, may be the Good Girls Syndrome.

Image via here, here and here

Sex Stopper: The Good Girl Syndrome

Many women suffer from what author Laura Brotherson calls the Good Girl Syndrome. She writes about it in her book, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. While this book is directed toward Christian women, the idea is truly universal. A good girl does not ride in cars with boys whether she is from Canada or Cambodia. Good girls keep their legs crossed. Then, with a simple "I do," the rules you have lived by your whole life are null. A girl is bound to be confused.

Here is an excerpt from her book:

Chapter 1: The Good Girl Syndrome

• The "Good Girl Syndrome" is a result of the negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teach—or fail to teach—the goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes. This conditioning leads to negative thoughts and feelings about sex and the body, resulting in an inhibited sexual response within marriage. . . . The Good Girl Syndrome may be the great underlying and underestimated cause of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage.
• The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from 'Thou shalt not' to 'Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!'" (Dr. James Dobson)
• "When parents focus only on premarital chastity and forget about preparing their children for the joys of sexual fulfillment in marriage, their message is skewed to the negative with mostly warnings and consequences rather than filled with the blessings and godly purposes of sex." (Dr. James Dobson)
• When teaching chastity or sexual abstinence, the message is often, 'Good girls don't.' This is true prior to marriage. However, the message should also be, that, once married, 'GOOD GIRLS DO!'
• "We're weary of dealing with young women who were taught for years, 'Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad...' and then later, 'Oh, you're getting married tomorrow, then sex is good!' You can't undo a life of teaching in a couple of days, weeks, or months. " (Joe Beam)
• Satan has 24-hour access to our hearts and minds through society's swamp of sexual sensualization. Sex is everywhere in society, but at home or at church, discussion of it is often taboo. It's a "forbidden subject."
• It's pretty hard for a young bride to relax when her internal programming tells her she is doing something sinful.
• Sex became a chore for Lisa—something that had to be tolerated for the sake of her husband. Babies and motherhood came along, and sex was simply relegated to the back burner as another item on her 'to do' list.
• Overcoming the Good Girl Syndrome does not mean you become a bad girl, but that you develop a healthy and accurate understanding of the godly purposes and potential of sexual relations in marriage.
• An unseen spell had been broken. She was freed from the belief that sex was bad and dirty, and that men were uncontrollable monsters. She learned that sex was ordained of God, and that He wanted her to fully enjoy it.

Solution:

Identify if this is a problem for you. Retrain your thinking. This takes a conscious effort. When your husband touches you intimately and you feel embarrassed or nervous, recognize that you are feeling "bad." Tell yourself that you are not "bad" and that this is a "good" thing. It brings physical pleasure to me and emotional closeness with the person most important to me.

Instead of shutting down and turning off sexual feelings, embrace them. Allow yourself to dwell on them because they are "good" and you are "good." Act on sexual feelings. if your husband is at work, call him and tell him you are thinking about him and how you can't wait to rip his clothes off when he walks through the door. *gasp* I know, you're shocked. This isn't "bad" behavior? Nope. This, dear girls, is "good."

What do you think? Have you heard of the "Good Girl Syndrome" before? Could you be suffering from it?