Sensate Focus Follow Up

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I'm curious to hear how The Sensate Focus Challenge went.

What went well? What didn't?

Did you and your partner learn anything new?

Were there difficulties? Why do you think?

Did you like it? Did it benefit your relationship?

Any tips or advice you'd give others doing this challenge?

As always, feel free to ask questions or make suggestions for future posts.

Sensate Focus: Levels 4 & 5

*To clarify, Level 4 is just penetration without any movement and stimulation afterward. Level 5 includes movement and continued stimulation, but stopping before orgasm. I posted both levels because I realize for some moving between these levels will happen quickly. Those who have difficulties with lubrication, tenseness, vaginismus, erectile dysfunction or other issues should move gradually between these levels.

Level 4: Penis inserted in Vagina

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 3. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? What was it like to include genital touch without expecting intercourse? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 4.

Level 4 of sensate focus includes all previous levels and now he may insert his penis into your vagina. Some of you may feel like it is extremely difficult to do this without working to orgasm or fully having intercourse. Slowing it down helps you each tune into the experience. This step is particularly important for women who are having trouble staying aroused after insertion or having trouble lubricating and for men having erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.

Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you find certain positions are more comfortable or stimulating? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is there a certain order of touch that you prefer (foreplay) that you find more enjoyable? What happens if you do kegal exercises while his penis is inserted? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Level 5: Intercourse excluding Orgasm

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 4. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? What was it like to insert penis without expecting intercourse? Did you find you were more relaxed? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 5.

Level 5 of sensate focus includes all previous levels and now intercourse without orgasm. This may be really difficult. The goal is to help you both learn what is stimulating. Slowing it down helps you each tune into the experience.

Which areas are more sensitive than others? Are certain speeds more stimulating? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you find certain positions are more comfortable or stimulating? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is there a certain order of touch that you prefer (foreplay) that you find more enjoyable? What happens if he uses his hand to stimulate your clitoris while having intercourse? What happens if you do kegal exercises while his penis is inserted? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Are the conversations awkward or relaxed?

Ask the Audience: Sensate Focus

A few women are having trouble convincing their men to try the sensate focus challenge with them.

Have any of you talked your partners into trying sensate focus with you? What's worked?

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 3

A few have asked for tips to improve their sex drive. Try sensate focus for a bit and I'll do a follow up post to answer this question more in detail. Sensate focus generally has a 75% success rate for increasing desire so give it a try.

Level 3: Nondemand Touch Including Breasts and Genitals

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 2. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 3.

Level 3 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts and genitals. Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you like oral or manual stimulation more? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is it okay for your partner to just directly touch genitals or do you prefer touch in other ares first? You have a few choices here. You could explore by stimulating close to orgasm to figure out what is arousing for your partner. (If you want to veer a bit, you could stimulate to orgasm. If you’re experiencing any anxiety or nervousness or tenseness then do not include orgasm. Remember, orgasm is not the goal. These exercises are to increase sensitivity and intimacy.) Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Do you find that you are having a hard time staying tuned in? Is it difficult to do nondemand touch without intercourse?

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 2

Somebody asked how long it takes to see benefits from practicing sensate focus.

The key is to only move on to the next level once both partner's feel full comfortable and have discovered what feels best for them and their partner. I recommend at least a couple days at each level for you and your partner to fully reap at least some great benefits. You need to learn how to cue in to your own body and what feels good, but you should also be paying attention to your partner. It can also be beneficial to practice sensate focus (or at least nondemand touch) every once and a while for a day or two throughout the course of your relationship.

Level 2: Nondemand Touching and Caressing Including Breasts

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 1. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 2.

Level 2 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts. Which areas of the breast are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused? Do you find that you enjoy nondemand intimacy? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How’s it going so far? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Sensate Focus Challenge

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Sensate focus is a set of exercises created to help couples improve their focus on the senses during intimacy. Master's and Johnson, sex researchers, created this term and came up with various exercises for individuals and couples to do to create self and other awareness during intimacy. The purpose of sensate focus exercises is to realize that orgasm is not the main goal of sex, but, rather, for each individual to focus on their own sensations and learn about their partner to become fully be engaged in the intimacy that comes during intercourse.

Sensate focus is one of the most commonly used exercises in sex therapy, but could be beneficial to almost any couple. I have seen these exercises improve relationships in those who claim they already have an amazing sex life, those struggling with sexual dysfunction and those who have a past history of sexual abuse. Over the course of the various levels, partners are able to tune in to their own bodies as well as their partner's and make sex more relaxing, fun and enjoyable.

There are 5 basic levels of sensate focus proposed by Master's and Johnson: (1) nondemand touching and caressing without the breasts, (2) caressing including breasts but excluding genitals, (3) caressing including genitals, (4) penis in the vagina, and (5) intercourse excluding orgasm.

There are a few rules for the Sensate Focus Challenge:
1- Do not move until the next level until both individuals express they are comfortable with the current level.
This is usually where a good therapist gets involved and can check in with each partner. Make sure you are being completely honest with each other about your comfort level. This could take a matter of days or weeks or months. Definitely take your time. Enjoy the experience together!

2- Do not have intercourse until after completing Level 4.
I know what you are thinking. That's just crazy. How could it improve my sex life to not have sex?! But, trust me, it will. I've seen some couples that claim they just "have to have sex" throughout the whole thing, but they really don't get much out of the experience. It's worth it to go a few days or weeks without sex for improved intimacy. Talk to your partner and get him in on the plan.

I will post the assignment for each level every few days. Remember to follow the rules. Go at your own pace. Relax. Enjoy.

Here's the first assignment:

LEVEL 1: Nondemand Touching and Caressing

The first level is for you and your partner to practice nondemand touch for at least 30 minutes (15 minutes each) once a day. (You can modify this if needed. That's just my recommendation.) No genital or breast touching.

Maybe, start with your partners hands. Gently rub your finger over the back of their hand. What do you notice? Is it bumpy, smooth, dry? What does your partner notice? Is he/she pressing hard, soft, moving in a certain way? Gradually move up the arm asking yourself and your partner the same kind of questions. Touch the legs, The Face. Ears. Neck. Back.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

5-Day Challenge Recap

So, how did it go? Are you more in love than you've ever been? Were there fireworks and butterflies? Did you end up doing it MORE than 5 times? Was it a wild success or a flop?

If it flopped, do you know why? If it didn't go over so well this week, don't give up. Next week you could clue him in on your plan. Maybe a more unified goal would work better for you.

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Share your stories of the 5-Day Challenge in the comments below. And, as always, anonymous comments are welcome :)

5-Day Challenge

After reviewing the comments from my last post, More, it seems the common theme is wanting to want more sex and needing advice on how to make it happen. I believe it is a learning process that requires study and action. Each post I write is ultimately intended to help you improve your sex life with your husband. Marital intimacy is the single most effective way to unite a husband and a wife.

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If every couple would make daily intimacy their goal there would be fewer husbands who stray, fewer crabby wives, and altogether, less divorce. Clearly there will be days when physical intimacy is simply impossible or unattainable, the point is to make it your goal and your desire. Your relationship with your spouse should be the most lasting and intimate relationship you will ever be a part of. No one is more important than your spouse. Not your mother, your sister, your best friend, or your child.

You can not afford to be too busy or too tired for sex. If you haven't noticed, sex is not merely about the orgasm. While orgasm is a very key piece and should not be discredited, sex is also about submitting yourself to your spouse and reaching a higher emotional connection. Learning to orgasm more easily and increasing your libido are great ways to make marital intimacy more achievable.

These are all just words if you fail to act. Try initiating sex with your husband this week for five days straight and see what happens. You will be closer, happier, hornier, and more in love. Don't tell him what your plan is. Just love him.

P.S. Physical intimacy is not limited to intercourse. Intercourse is not always an option. Get creative and enjoy yourself.

Are you in? Will you commit? Sign up for the 5 Day Challenge in the comments below. And, as always, anonymous comments are welcome. On Friday I'll be eager to hear all of your wonderful stories about how rockin' hot your marriage is!

Husband's Very Own Calendar Girl

Some days, don't you just wish you could be a steamy calendar girl? They're so confident and sassy. Of course you would be strictly husband's calendar girl, but a calendar girl just the same. So why not? Do something crazy and out of the ordinary. Let your hair down. Tonight, be husband's star!

Pick out something sassy, throw on your lip gloss, and take husband on the hottest photo shoot he'll ever attend. Be sure to stay on the right side of pornographic so you can comfortably upload them on VistaPrint.com to create and order your calendar for FREE! (Don't worry girls, I verified this one ;) only pay $5.67 for shipping.)

{F.Y.I VistaPrint.com is celebrating their 10th anniversary by offering 10 free products: business cards, self inking rubber stamps, photo flip books, totes, mugs, and a mouse pad. But they had me at Calendar Girl. *Two day promotion, so hurry!}

Thanks for the heads up Krazy Coupon Ladies :)

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Talk The Talk

We Walked the Walk a few weeks ago. I think it's time we Talked the Talk.

We are all wholesome girls around here. We don't swear in front of our mothers and we are kind to the animals. But do you let your Dirty Christina's come out in the bedroom? Are you too shy? I'm not suggesting you become a nasty porn star. Oh heavens no. But you could definitely try to throw out something spicy here and there.

Here are some lines you could try:

1. I love the way you kiss me…especially when you kiss me there!
2. I love you so much. Can you feel it?
3. Use your mouth on me.
4. Do you like the way that looks?
5. This is going to be the dirtiest night of your life.
6. You can have me any way you want.
7. Don’t stop, harder!
8. I want you so bad – can you feel how much?
9. I love how big your {word of choice} gets when I talk to you like this.
10. Tell me what you’re doing. I want to hear the words.

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Dance Party

Date Night Challenge

Throw on something sexy, brush your teeth, and crank up the tunes. Tonight, you are having a dance party.

Playlist:

1. Dance With Me, 112
2. Hips Don't Lie, Shakira
3. I know You Want Me [Calle Ocho], Pitbull
4. Toxic, Britney Spears
5. All For You Janet Jackson

If husband doesn't want to participate, just give him a show! He really won't care if you can't dance.

P.S. It doesn't work if you simply read Gwen in Love :) You have to do something to make your marriage rockin' hot. So hop to it girls... get up! Dance!

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Girls' Night Out

In the book, Grown-Up Marriage: What We Know, Wish We Had Known, and Still Need to Know About Being Married, author Judith Viorst says, "A grown-up marriage allows one to find a balance between autonomy and connection."

In other words, you need a girls' night out.

Seriously. We can't do everything with our man all of the time. It's important that both members of the relationship feel free to have different likes and interests. Husband can prove his manhood in a game of basketball and you can go watch America's Next Top Model with the girls. Be silly and let loose. When you come home at the end of the night he'll feel masculine and you'll feel feminine. You can show off what you've learned from your girls' night and strut down the hall in your favorite bra and panties.

You'll feel sexy, I promise.

P.S. A dollar says he won't even notice the fat roll :)

Everyone's At It

I think the more sex the better. Husband and I loooove having sex. Great way to connect with each other and to relieve stress. I wish that we didn't have responsibilities and we could just go at it all of the time. But with things like hunger, children, jobs, and sleep always getting in the way, we sometimes have to dedicate time for our encounters. We made a goal to do it every day. If you ask me, that's a way better goal than losing five pounds by swimsuit season.

Photo Courtesy of Boutwell Studio

How about you? How often do you do it? Submit your answer anonymously on the poll on the sidebar.

Challenge:

Do it everyday for one week.

I promise, you won't be sorry! Roll Call (anonymously if you'd like) if you're in.