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Occasionally, we post some interesting research and links over there like these...

Why Sex is a Better Headache Cure than Painkillers


The impact of sexual activity on idiopathic headaches: An observational study.


Vanilla sex is OUT, porn addiction is IN: Disturbing survey reveals how porn is damaging our relationships



Designer Genitalia: The Modification of Women’s Genitals

Masturbation to Boost Your Libido

Masturbation can be a great tool in boosting your desire and enjoyment during sex. As our guest post mentioned, it has greatly enhanced her desire and intimacy with her husband. We've featured a couple other posts about masturbation as well and some of the readers comments on these have been wonderful. If you're struggling with a low libido or struggling to orgasm, masturbation is one tool you could possibly use.

32% of our readers that have participated in our poll on the sidebar either said "Ewww! You said the M word" or "I wouldn't know how".

Masturbation can occur in a variety of settings. You can masturbate alone or take part in what's referred to in the therapy field as "mutual masturbation". This means that you can direct your partner to do what feels comfortable to you either by word or by moving his hand or you can both masturbate together, but separately.

I firmly believe that every woman should be aware of her anatomy as a starting point. If you were the kind of girl to never look at that page in your health book of anatomy and grew squeamish at the thought of sex ed, then you really, really need to check out the link above. Please know about your clitoris and where it is. Did you know there are more nerve endings on a clitoris than a penis? Woman: An Intimate Geography is a great book to become familiar with your body and instill in you some pride about being a woman.

Once you have the understanding of your anatomy, learn about the sexual response cycle and how it typically works for a female. Some parts may feel uncomfortable or weird. It's normal to lubricate, it's normal to feel tense, some women even feel like they are about to pee. Just know the stages and don't freak out about your body's natural reaction. The SRC is a very natural part of life.

If you're going to try masturbating, you can include your partner or do it on your own. Whatever you choose, just make sure you feel comfortable and relaxed. You can use a vibrator if you'd like or you could also use your partner and/or yourself for stimulation. Some say that a vibrator is the best way to go at first while others argue that it's way too powerful and difficult to not have that control. Just go with what feels best to you. You may want lubricant nearby if you don't lubricate well. You could also try just going over your underwear and not touching directly. There's no right or wrong way.

Your mind is a very powerful tool so use it! Often women are more psychologically aroused by romance and other kind gestures, but women can also be aroused by things they see or fantasize about as well. Use whatever works for you in the moment.

Some tips:

• Allow yourself to relax and unwind.
• Be in a place that is peaceful to you. Some have suggested a bath or shower or bed.
• Be in a comfortable position. Many women suggest lying on their stomach or on their back.
• Use your mind, let go and fantasize a bit. Fantasies can include your husband- it doesn't have to be some elaborate fetish or situation. Wherever your mind brings you. Just let it in and go with it.
• Add a little variety to your sex life throughout the day to keep it on your mind. 
• Here's another list of ideas to add variety and spice things up.
• Allow yourself to see what feels best to you. Guide your partner. Be direct with him. Try sensate focus over a period of a couple days or weeks.
• Figure out what gets you in the mood. If you're watching a movie or reading a book and feel a bit turned on, hold on to that feeling. What did you like about it?
• Babeland sells some "Best of Erotica" Books to get you in the mood that readers have raved about. For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality is another book one of our readers suggested.

If you need are in dire need of some direct instruction and how-to, a reader left some tips on a previous post in a comment that she got from another Christian Marriage Site.

What tips would you share for those wanting to try it out?

Guest Blogger -- Learning Curve

I have been receiving several emails from women interested in guest posting. I would love to have more input and different points of view on the blog. That is how we learn. I encourage you to gather knowledge and then decide what is best for you and your husband. If you would like to be a guest blogger, please email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail.com.

I hope you learn something new from our first anonymous guest poster!

Hello, Gwen in Love readers! I saw a lot of comments on Gwen in Love from other women who were frustrated because they have a hard time climaxing, or because they could only climax if they had no distractions and were in the perfect position. I sent Gwen an email offering to do a guest post to share some ideas.

I'm confident that a reliable way to learn to orgasm more easily and in different positions is to practice. Just like anything else, it takes time, effort, and practice to improve our orgasmic potential! I often comment on another marriage forum where many women discuss their orgasm struggles. Many of them recommended a book called I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide. Great book.

Here's an excerpt. But first... understand that this book, while very educational, wasn't written with a Christian audience in mind. If you have a problem practicing alone, all these "exercises" can be done with your husband.

"Sometimes we hear from women who feel limited by their own masturbation technique. For instance, perhaps a woman first orgasmed by lying in bed on her belly, squeezing her thigh muscles tight and pressing against her mattress. That technique may have worked fine when she was eleven, but as an adult she might find it limits her ability to have orgasms from other kinds of stimulation. If she wants to be able to come from oral sex, or have an orgasm by rubbing her clit while she`s having intercourse, the lying-on-your belly-thigh squeezing technique may present some challenges."

"Good news: It’s often possible for women to learn to and have orgasms in new ways. The process can be a little frustrating, because you basically have to teach your body that it can respond from other kinds of stimulation-even when you know full well you could get off fast and easily your old way."

* *

"To make this kind of change, start masturbating using your old technique. When you get pretty aroused, switch to a new technique that will allow you more orgasmic versatility. Stick with it even though it will take longer and may not feel as arousing right away—this may require some persistence. You'll probably need to experiment a bit to figure out what feels best and how to make this new technique work for you, much like a woman who's learning to have an orgasm for the first time. (Your advantage is that you're starting with the confidence that comes with knowing your body is capable of having orgasms.) Make sure you orgasm using the new technique. If you're having trouble staying sufficiently aroused, switch back briefly to your old technique to boost your arousal, but then bring yourself to orgasm the new way. Keep practicing even though it'll take more time and might not feel like as much fun. Remember how many years you practiced your old technique!"

*Magic of Ten Game*

Want to have stronger orgasms, and be able to come in a wider variety of positions and situations? Here's a fun game a woman can play all by herself that can help:

1. Wait until you have some private time.

2. Masturbate in your most common, reliable way. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm, but stop before you reach "the point of no return" —do not allow yourself to fall over that orgasmic edge. Count, "one."

3. Change to a new position. If you were lying on your back, try kneeling on your bed, or sitting up with your back against the wall. Start masturbating again. You will have lost some of your arousal, but not all. Get yourself almost to the brink of orgasm again. It'll be a little more challenging this time, because you're not accustomed to doing so in this position. Again, stop before you reach "the point of no return"—no orgasm allowed yet. That's "two."

4. Change to a new position. You might lie on your side, or crouch doggie style, resting on your knees and one forearm, using your head for support. You might try it with your legs closer together or farther apart than is your usual preference. Again, masturbate yourself almost to orgasm, but stop just before you get there. "Three."

5. Get yourself to that brink of orgasm ten times. You may find it helps to rest for a minute or two in between positions, to allow your level of arousal to fall back a bit before nudging it up again. On the tenth time, you're allowed to go for it—finally!

6. Enjoy an orgasm that will probably be particularly satisfying because of all that teasing. Longer buildups tend to result in bigger orgasms. Plus, realizing your body has the potential to come in so many different positions can be liberating.

For advanced players: Instead of just modifying your physical position, experiment with changing the type of stimulation each time. Try one finger instead of two, vertical strokes instead of horizontal, tapping instead of rubbing. Vary your typical speed or rhythm. Masturbate with various kinds of penetration, both fingers and other phallic objects, Warning: This is a lot harder, and some kinds of stimulation may not work for your body. That's okay—you can also alternate between your reliable way of touching your-self and new approaches. Make up the rules as you go. The best part of this game is that you discover a little more about how your body responds each time you play. There's no way to lose at a game that ends in orgasm!

Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

Female Sexual Dysfunction

The following table was taken from the American Family Physician article regarding Female Sexual Dysfunction. You can read more about the topic here.

Basic Treatment Strategies for Female Sexual Dysfunction

Provide education Provide information and education (e.g., about normal anatomy, sexual function, normal changes of aging, pregnancy, menopause). Provide booklets, encourage reading; discuss sexual issues when a medical condition is diagnosed, a new medication is started, and during pre- and postoperative periods; give permission for sexual experimentation. Enhance stimulation and eliminate routine Encourage use of erotic materials (videos, books); suggest masturbation to maximize familiarity with pleasurable sensations; encourage communication during sexual activity; recommend use of vibrators*; discuss varying positions, times of day or places; suggest making a "date" for sexual activity. Provide distraction techniques** Encourage erotic or nonerotic fantasy; recommend pelvic muscle contraction and relaxation (similar to Kegel exercise) exercises with intercourse; recommend use of background music, videos or television. Encourage noncoital behaviors*** Recommend sensual massage, sensate-focus exercises (sensual massage with no involvement of sexual areas, where one partner provides the massage and the receiving partner provides feedback as to what feels good; aimed to promote comfort and communication between partners); oral or noncoital stimulation, with or without orgasm. Minimize dyspareunia Superficial: female astride for control of penetration, topical lidocaine, warm baths before intercourse, biofeedback. Vaginal: same as for superficial dyspareunia but with the addition of lubricants. Deep: position changes so that force is away from pain and deep thrusts are minimized, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs before intercourse.

NOTE: For a review, see Striar S, Bartlik B. Stimulation of the libido: the use of erotica in sex therapy. Psych Annals 1999;29:60-2. *--Provide information for obtaining one discreetly. **--Helpful in eliminating anxiety, increasing relaxation and diminishing spectatoring. ***--Also helpful if partner has erectile dysfunction.

Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.

{via}

1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
3. This was one of my favorite comments:

   oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM

4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.
   
   

Sex Stoppers -- Yawn. Sex Is Boring.

Sex Stopper: "Sex is Boring. It takes so much work to get aroused, it's just not worth the effort. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I rarely even orgasm."

Anonymous said...

I have to agree 100% with Anonymous comment #1. It's just a hassle because it's not good. And I know it's one of those practice-makes-perfect ideas, but practicing isn't fun, so why would you want to practice? It was definitely more fun when it was something forbidden and exciting. Now that it's "okay" all the thrill is gone.

JUNE 21, 2010 11:04 AM

Have you ever felt this way? I know you can't see me but I'm raising my hand, high. You love your husband, so you endure. Besides, you would like to have a good sex life, but things just flatline.

Solution: Self love. Self love is, as The Housewife put it, "Figuring out what feels good for them, and learning to enjoy it by themselves, with no pressure and no judgment." Often times masturbation is seen as a dirty or bad word and act, but when used appropriately, it can be highly beneficial in the marriage bed. Many faiths, including Christianity, believe it to be an inappropriate, or even sinful, act when used outside the bonds of marriage. But what about within marriage? Self love can provide an opportunity for the wife to become in tune with her body or to learn new ways to experience orgasm.

I would recommend including your husband in the discovery process. Discuss the idea with him and see how you both feel. The idea of you pleasing yourself may be a very erotic thing for him. You may both benefit. In the book, Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self, author Sallie Folley says:

"Although masturbation implies a solitary act, it has relevance when discussing sexuality and relationships. Masturbation can be either a source of conflict and misunderstanding for a couple or a practice that enhances sexual satisfaction in a relationship."

Some thoughts:

• Remember, the goal is to bring you closer to your spouse. Keep this in mind throughout the process.
• Self love is merely a part of your sexual relationship, not a secret or separate activity.
• If you currently do this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to share it with your husband, consider taking a leap of faith and sharing this side of your sexuality. You will feel closer to him and he will think you are hot.
• Try including him by texting or calling him before, during, or after. It'll drive him wild.
• The more orgasms you have, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm.
• Soon you'll be the one begging for sex.
• Try masturbating in front of your husband.
• Another quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Comfort with your body, including your genitalia, is important in allowing you to become more responsive to sexual stimulation. Many women have been conditioned to have negative or even phobic reactions to their genitals. Familiarity, up close and personal, can help desensitize these reactions."

• One more quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Masturbation is an ideal learning environment; it provides a safe, private, relaxed opportunity for you to explore your body and how you respond to stimulation. Most men benefit from this learning opportunity during adolescence. Many women don't have this advantage. From an early age they're taught that good girls don't touch themselves "down there." Because early in life many women are told that menstruation is "the curse," their genitals become guilty by association. Contrary to popular opinion, the clitoris and vagina are not your only sex organs. Your mind and your skin, whether on your face or the soles of your feet, function as vital sex organs, capable of producing intense sexual arousal."

  Folley provides further ideas and instructions on how to masturbate in her book.

Self love can be a tool in resolving many other Sex Stoppers as well. Mental issues such as past abuse or previously painful sexual experiences can also be remedied.

Anonymous said...

My problem isn't so much the Good-Girl Syndrome as it is the Sex-Hurt-For-A-Year-And-A-Half Syndrome, and even though I fixed THAT problem, it's still hard to retrain your brain to WANT to do something that's associated with pain. (And still isn't entirely satisfying, to tell you the truth...)

Working on it.

JUNE 21, 2010 6:20 AM

Have you tried this in your marriage? Did it help improve sex with your husband? Would you dare suggest the idea to your husband?

P.S. New poll on the sidebar at the top of the poll list.