Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!


  1. I remember how I started - I was in high school, and a friend gave me this 'zine to read (you remember the little "local" ones that were basically handwritten on notebook paper, photocopied, stapled and handed out to friends for 25 cents? or is that just a seattle thing?) that talked about getting off in the shower. I was confused, and surprised, and decided to give it a go. Basically, the trick that helped me that first time was to sit in the shower, with the water aimed between my legs. I remember it tickled, and I had to bite my lip for the first minute or so before I relaxed and it started to feel good. Then, just chill out, and let the warm water caress you. I don't think I had an orgasm until I had tried this a couple of times, but it felt good, and I realized the potential :) Best wishes!!

  2. Has she tried using a vibrator? I would suggest trying a clitoral vibrator.

  3. This is from a Christian marriage site. It helped me a lot and it cuts right to the chase-

    Masturbating is a very safe and totally natural way to learn how your body responds to touch. It can help a woman learn how to reach orgasm more easily with her husband. Doing it regularly can also really increase your sex drive. It will make you feel more sexual and your body will become accustomed to having frequent orgasms. In turn you will want sex with your husband more…and he will be a happy man! If you can bring yourself to orgasm using your own hand and fingers, then you will be more likely to orgasm by your husband’s touch. You will be able to teach him how to touch you the way your body likes it. Set aside some alone time and practice. Explore yourself and see what feels good. Not sure how to get started? I have some tips.

    Make sure that you have plenty of alone time where there will be no interruptions and distractions. Get naked and get comfortable! You may prefer a hot bath or the bed. If you do not self lubricate well, then have a bottle of lube on hand. Sitting in front of a mirror can also be erotic and help put you in the mood. Pick a comfortable position and start touching yourself in all your erogenous zones. You know what feels good to you. If it helps, stick your fingers in your mouth and get them wet. Then trace them over your body, your neck, your nipples, your thighs, all the while imagining that it is your husband’s tongue. When you make it to your vulva, open your legs wide. Lick your fingers again or apply lube if needed. You want your fingers to be able to glide smoothly. Rub all around your vulva, from top to bottom, grazing over your clitoris from time to time. Tease yourself. Let it build. If you want to, then use your other hand to insert a couple of fingers into your vagina at the same time. (A toy can also be used.) This will help to provide g-spot stimulation at the same time. If you like anal play, then lube up your back side and allow your fingers to caress that as well. Some women like gentle caressing while others like penetration of the anus.

    When you can’t wait any longer, focus your attentions on your clitoris. Do what feels good for you. If you like direct stimulation, then go for it! You can use the palm of your hand or the tips of your fingers. Back and forth or around in circles. Gentle touches or firmer pressure. Increase your pace while you imagine your husband watching, or helping, or making love to you. If it helps talk dirty to yourself out loud or in your mind. Say those things that you love to hear. Say the things that help to send you over the top. Sometimes really deep breathing or even holding your breath can help to put you over the top. When you orgasm, do what feels natural. If you need to move around, then do so! If you need to scream or moan or say something, then let go and say it! Ride the waves as they spasm throughout your body. Keep going until you can’t take it anymore. Some women can have multiples by continuing to apply pressure to the clitoris after the first orgasm. Just do what feels good for you. Afterwards, enjoy your come down time.

  4. I had no idea that pleasing yourself could help your sex drive. I've noticed a decrease in my sexual drive lately. Maybe it's time to bust out the vibrator!

  5. Personally I feel that when you get married you make a promise to include your husband in your personal wants, desires, and pleasures. I believe you make a promise to him that you are his and he is yours in all ways, including sexually. So I would find it dishonest and unloving not to consult with your hubbie before doing anything sexual. Masturbation, unsupported, would promote selfish pleasure-seeking. You'd be loving yourself more than your husband and relationship. My husband and I have discussed masturbation and set up rules we are both 100% comfortable with. It can be an exciting experience for both! I'm not saying its all bad! However, I still would not support masturbation done alone, regularly, for husbands or wives. Sex should be shared between two! When its only you, repeatedly, you cultivate an environment of selfish fulfillment that could easily lead to a number of things that may a souse may not be comfortable with.

  6. Anonymous [12:08am], I'm going to have to disagree with you a little bit. As long as you are not treating masturbation as a dirty thing, it will not become a dirty thing. Loving yourself will ultimately benefit your husband too! Training your muscles and your mind to relax and build to the point of orgasm will strengthen your sexual relationship with your man, while making sex more enjoyable for the both of you! Imagine how great your husband will feel as he brings you to an orgasm every time. He will love it!

    I'm not saying he doesn't already, but a lot of times those that don't/can't masturbate have a harder time reaching orgasm.

    Communication is a great thing. If you are unsure how your husband will react to you pleasuring yourself, talk to him about it. Tell him that you want to get more familiar with your body and learn better muscle control. He may find this to be a huge turn on and maybe he will want to watch when you are comfortable with it!

    It is so true that sex is shared between two. Its the best way! Masturbating with the goal of improving your sexual relationship and performance with your husband is not a selfish thing. Just make sure that sex with your husband takes a higher priority than masturbating. Turning down your man for some solo time isn't good.

    I have been masturbating for a very long time. I don't really remember the first time, but the bath tub faucet has always been a constant for me.

    My advice to those who have not masturbated is to just take some time alone for a hot bath or comfy time in bed. Think of a really great sexual encounter you've had, or one you would like to have, and relax. Dwell on it, picture it and put yourself there. Don't be afraid to touch yourself. There are so many areas on a woman's body that feel amazing when touched! Explore your body and find what feels great to you. The most important thing is to relax and don't be afraid! Once you get going, you will know what to do. :]

  7. amen, anon @ 12:08. amen.

  8. If she is embarrassed she might want to have a toy party with a few friends. It will teach her alot.

  9. In Corintians 7:4 is states: The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

    I look at it this way... if my husband's body is mine, and I give him permission to use it in a certain way, then all is good. If he gives me permission to use my body to masturbate on occasion then all is good. The conditions would have to be set, i.e. I only think of him, or I let him know when I have done it, or I share with him my experience and what I might have learned with him. The key is to not misuse this gift.

  10. Wish I had found you sooner... Great blog. How do you re-train your body and learn how to orgasm in different ways? I can orgasm but only one way. I'd like to be able to relax more and feel pleasure easier.

  11. Yes, please!! Any advice on how to orgasm in different positions and without a vibrator would be greatly appreciated.

  12. By far the best way to retrain how you orgasm is to practice! It's up to you and your husband to choose how you practice, whether you do it alone, together or both. If you practice alone you NEED to have orgasms in different positions, use different pressures, touches, with hands vs toys, and on and on... For those who already practice on your own, sex therapists recommend changing up how you do it. Besides it's more fun that way!

  13. Practice! I love it. So simple and so true!



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