VibeRite

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Just add both items to your cart and add promo code WAND2 at checkout.

That's $61.50 for BOTH!

When You're Sick

Is it just me or does anybody else have a cold just in time for it to get warm and fun outside?

When my husband and I were first married, we had this unspoken rule that touching and kissing and certainly love-making was off limits when one of us was sick. Maybe some of you relate or maybe you think that's just plain ridiculous. But, seriously though. I'm not always feeling the most beautiful or energetic or even really alive when I'm under the weather. When I have a cold, I sometimes wad up the edge of a tissue and just shove it up my nose. Super sexy-right?!

I mean, why would he even really want to touch me when my hair is a disaster, my nose is red, my eyes are puffy and I probably have dried snot somewhere on my clothes and/or body. The truth is- he still does want to touch me. That's some unconditional love right there!

I got that lucky. Even in my crusty, nasty sick state, my husband still loves to cuddle me, play with my hair, fetch me tissues and even initiate a quickie. It's amazing for me. I crave touch and closeness- especially when I'm sick. I'm glad we were able to get over that initial bump years ago and realize it's okay to still touch each other when one or both of us is under the weather. He knows just what to do to make me feel better. I remember hearing once in my sex therapy class that having an orgasm can actually help relieve some sick symptoms (even if just momentarily). Maybe it's just placebo effect, but I'll take it.

How do you survive getting through sickness with each other?

What do you need/want?

Is touching allowed?

Remember this episode of Friends where Monica is sick and still ends up seducing him?

GIVEAWAY -- Hold on to Me

I'm so excited that Babeland is sponsoring a giveaway of Hold on to Me Kegal Spheres!

These are wonderful, multi-purpose spheres to have around. Having strong PC muscles helps with so many things! Your ability to control and intensify your own orgasm PLUS enhance your partner's experience goes up a ton with stronger PC muscles. You could even use them alone to help warm yourself up and get in the mood for your partner.

Some general wellness benefits include more bladder control as well as preparing you to have more control during childbirth. These spheres are small and inconspicuous. There's a little vibration from the sphere as it moves around inside of you and you can increase the weight or have two spheres attached. They are completely comfortable and body safe as well.

Here's what Babeland has to say about them:
Keep vaginal muscles toned with the Hold On to Me kegel spheres, part of the Bedroom Kandi line created by Kandi Burruss from Bravo’s “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Whether you want to strengthen your PC muscles to intensify orgasms, grip your partner more tightly during intercourse, improve your childbirth experience, or maximize bladder control, these spheres can help do the trick. The spheres come in four graduated weights; users can start with the lighter weights and gradually increase weight as they get stronger.

Fill out the entry form below: If you have trouble viewing or submitting this form, you can fill it out online: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dEFNd054cklGb0t4SjhUNkhQVDJDTkE6MQ

Faking Orgasms

Are you guilty? Why do you do it?

It's estimated that as many as two-thirds of women fake orgasms during their lifetime. Men fake orgasms, too.

Instead of faking next time, actually enjoy a good orgasm (or two or three or more!). Remember, that it's estimated that only 8% of women will never be able to achieve orgasm. So you will likely be able to figure it out.

Here's how you can:

1. Practice on your own
2. Mutual Masturbation
3. Practice Sensate Focus
4. Tell him what you like before, during or after

Check out this post for more ideas

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

You’ll notice in the statistics on sexuality post that 8% of women rarely or never orgasm. This may surprise quite a few of you. I’ve heard a lot of women say that they can’t orgasm and worry that they never will. However, most of them figure it out.

I once heard a sex therapist compare an orgasm to a sneeze. That is that it varies so much from individual to individual. It varies in intensity, length, frequency etc. Don't compare yourself to others.

In order to properly treat this, first examine what you think the possible cause is. Are you stressed out? Are you on medications? Do you feel somewhere in your mind that you should not enjoy sex? Do you have a good marital relationship? Is sex painful or uncomfortable?... There are a number of factors that could contribute to lack of orgasm so just make sure you’re doing a good self-assessment. (See posts such as The Good Girl Syndrome or Hypoactive Sexual Desire and Sexual Response Cycle)

Here are some ideas:

Do sensate focus.
Have your spouse figure out what feels good for you. This is what I refer to as mutual masturbation. Communicate with him on what you like regarding pressure, speed, intensity etc. Do you enjoy manual or oral stimulation? The clitoris is the base for female orgasm. Do you know where the clitoris is located? Do you realize that it might withdraw part of the way through the SRC for some women?
If you feel comfortable masturbating, you could try it. Don't know where to start? See here. More women are successful on their own than with a partner. My personal belief is you should try with your partner to promote couple intimacy. It’s a learning process for both of you. Some women who masturbate to orgasm would rather just do it on their own than ever involve their partner. I think it’s better if the experience is shared. It's up to you.

Try different positions.
Some positions allow the clitoris to be more easily stimulated than others. Try a few. You could even have the man insert his penis slightly while also manually stimulating your clitoris. Make it a gradual process until the manual stimulation can be removed.

Create an environment to promote orgasm
If you’ve reached orgasm before, what were the circumstances? Were you in lingerie? Was it spontaneous sex? Was sex planned? Were you kid-free for the night? Were you not stressed about work, school, money etc? Just figuring it out could help. Or you could try to make circumstances similar.

Don’t focus on orgasm
Often when you are so worried about having an orgasm, you won’t orgasm. Just try to enjoy sex for a week or two without worrying about orgasm and see what happens. Focus on pleasuring your partner, connection, and closeness. See how long you can go with just foreplay.

Examine what orgasm means to you and your partner.
Do you judge a good sexual encounter by how “good” the orgasm was? How many times orgasm occurred? What about foreplay? Is sex only successful or enjoyable if orgasm is attained? Do you like to be in control and hate to lose control and orgasm? What does it mean to not orgasm? Talk about it.

Kegal Exercises
So easy to do and you can do them anywhere. Nobody will even know. Strengthening the muscles is helpful and will help give you some control.

Therapeutic Devices
Eros Clitoral Therapy Device Therapy
An Eros-CTD will increase blood flow to clitoris by acting as a vacuum

InterStim Neurostimulator
Implant that sends electrical impulses

Gwen also has some recommendations for vibrators here, here, here and here.

Overcoming Painful Sex: A Reader Experience

Here's an experience that a reader emailed me hoping it could help others who may be dealing with similar issues.

{via}

For me, sex, was pain. It was physically impossible for me to get him inside me at all. I've been married a little over two years and had sex for the first time 8 months ago!! Yikesabee right?! I was in a world of confusion, pain, and shame. No one ever mentioned to me that there was a possibility that I would not be able to have sex, so I was like....what's wrong with me?!! Unfortunately, even though my mother is AMAZING, I felt even more depressed after speaking to her about the problem. She told me to just "tough it out" and treated me like I was purposefully withholding sex and being immature. Most of my friends got married around the time I did and I remember one of my friends telling me that on her honeymoon her and husband got bored of having sex so much. I could have screamed. I felt completely alone.

(I should note immediately that my husband was/is the most incredibly patient, gentle, loving man in the world. He never made me feel abandoned or broken, but I felt broken compared to everyone else, so, the struggle felt solitary.)

After many months of excruciatingly painful sexual attempts, usually ending in tears (imagine what that did for our minds, hearts, and libido) I began to research. Surely I wasn't the only one in the universe with a problem like this. I went to my gyno but she was extremely unhelpful and acted like my problem was irrelevant to her. So I found myself a new Dr. That helped, but only a bit. She was a bit stumped as I had never had previous sexual experience, been the victim of a sexual attack, or raised to think sex was impure. I looked online and discovered that my condition was called "vaginismus." I found a site that sold kits to help treat it, and there were a lot of web discussions from people with my same issue, or ones very similar! Hallelujah! I was not alone! I ordered the kit and my husband and I read the book that came with it and attempted the treatment, but honestly, it did nothing for me, and I soon gave it up.

Now I felt like a failure again. I wasn't even working on my condition with the tools I had purchased! Was I the laziest person on Earth?! No. Didn't I want to have an amazing sex life??! Yes!! And that's when it came to me (and when I say "came to me" I don't mean that it came completely out of the blue out of my own wisdom; there were many, many hours of prayer and fasting that I connect with this epiphany and I do not claim any credit that belongs to Him).

What did I want? Sex? Sort of. Too me, at this point, sex=pain. What I really wanted was pleasure. I wanted to be pleasured. I had found sufficient ways to pleasure my husband, and he had been doing everything to "get" me but I realized I was always so stressed out because I knew eventually I would have to try sex. And I would fail. Thus I never felt very pleasured. So. I decided, screw sex. Screw it! I was going to get mine!

And that's what my husband and I did. For months. It required quite a bit of time after fooling around, to take deep breaths and push my stresses away, and then we would begin pleasuring me. This was achieved almost completely by my bff, vibrator. Ladies, if you do not have a vibrator, you must have super orgasm power, because I learned real fast, that was my ticket to success. (Gwen has great posts about this and discusses why this works so well, read them!)

Anyhow, once my brain was trained to enjoy pleasure from my husband, we introduced "the main guy" to the proceedings. He mostly just hung back and didn't do much, but eventually we just concentrated on keeping him near the base of my vagina, and then slowly, over weeks and weeks, worked him further and further in. My brain, and vagina, learned that even when he is around, pleasure doth still abound. And in fact, pretty soon, he was giving me a lot of pleasure on his own. Then one day, after all our hard work building up to it (breathing deep, clearing my mind, vibrating for the life of me) he was in! And it was a miracle! We rejoiced exceedingly!

I gave myself about a week and a half before I agreed to try again (not wanting to give myself too much pressure to perform, for I learned that pressure is a sex stopper). We did it again! And again! Until now, I can get him in fairly quickly, ya know, for me. We are insanely grateful!! I feel like so many people take sex for granted. I even assumed when I first got married that sex was just part of the package deal. Oh boy was I wrong, right? But my husband and I appreciate being able to have sex together more than almost all the couples we know. We worked our tails off for it and we treasure the fruits of our labor.

Since then, I have spoken with many girls about this issue because I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I felt or to have to taste of that despair. As it turns out, no one has a perfect sex life like I had originally assumed, go figure. We can all work to be better, more giving, and most importantly, open to pleasure. I am so thrilled about Gwen in Love because she is open and excited about sex! I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by keeping silent on this topic, especially after my experience. Let's enjoy the blessing we've been given to experience and give pleasure and never take it for granted!

Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

Female Sexual Dysfunction

The following table was taken from the American Family Physician article regarding Female Sexual Dysfunction. You can read more about the topic here.

Basic Treatment Strategies for Female Sexual Dysfunction

Provide education Provide information and education (e.g., about normal anatomy, sexual function, normal changes of aging, pregnancy, menopause). Provide booklets, encourage reading; discuss sexual issues when a medical condition is diagnosed, a new medication is started, and during pre- and postoperative periods; give permission for sexual experimentation. Enhance stimulation and eliminate routine Encourage use of erotic materials (videos, books); suggest masturbation to maximize familiarity with pleasurable sensations; encourage communication during sexual activity; recommend use of vibrators*; discuss varying positions, times of day or places; suggest making a "date" for sexual activity. Provide distraction techniques** Encourage erotic or nonerotic fantasy; recommend pelvic muscle contraction and relaxation (similar to Kegel exercise) exercises with intercourse; recommend use of background music, videos or television. Encourage noncoital behaviors*** Recommend sensual massage, sensate-focus exercises (sensual massage with no involvement of sexual areas, where one partner provides the massage and the receiving partner provides feedback as to what feels good; aimed to promote comfort and communication between partners); oral or noncoital stimulation, with or without orgasm. Minimize dyspareunia Superficial: female astride for control of penetration, topical lidocaine, warm baths before intercourse, biofeedback. Vaginal: same as for superficial dyspareunia but with the addition of lubricants. Deep: position changes so that force is away from pain and deep thrusts are minimized, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs before intercourse.

NOTE: For a review, see Striar S, Bartlik B. Stimulation of the libido: the use of erotica in sex therapy. Psych Annals 1999;29:60-2. *--Provide information for obtaining one discreetly. **--Helpful in eliminating anxiety, increasing relaxation and diminishing spectatoring. ***--Also helpful if partner has erectile dysfunction.

Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.

{via}

1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
3. This was one of my favorite comments:

   oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM

4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.
   
   

Ask the Audience #1: Four Years of Marriage and I've Never Had an Enjoyable Sexual Experience

I frequently receive emails and comments seeking advice about various sexual issues. It's apparent from the comments that many of you, dear readers, have experience and insight that could help those trying to improve their sexual selves. So I've created a new series called "Ask the Audience" and I'm turning to you to offer the best solutions you have to the problems we'll discuss. Here's contestant number one:

{via}

When my husband and I were engaged, I could hardly wait to be married to him and have our wedding night. As the big day approached, however, I became more and more nervous. I convinced him that night after our wedding to please wait until we were away and on our honeymoon. I'd gone from excited about giving myself completely to my husband, to nearly scared to death of it. I tried to push that fear out of my mind once we were on the honeymoon, but I couldn't make myself relax. I don't think we actually made love until the second or third night after our wedding, and I don't think I've ever hurt someone so much as I hurt my husband during that time.

Ever since the honeymoon I have been very nervous about making love with my husband. Once we start, I'm okay; there's no real pain or anything. I guess it's just the anticipation that makes me anxious. Sex has never done anything for me, and I'm pretty much only doing it for him now. The problem is, since it doesn't do anything for me, I don't think about it and forget how important it is to him. He's a much better man than I deserve - he's very patient and knows that I struggle with this, and he doesn't want to pressure me, so we don't do it nearly as often as we should. We've only been married 4 years and I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. In fact, sometimes at night when we're not really doing anything, he will just touch me (kind of caressing my back, arms, shoulders or legs). But if his hand goes below my belly button, I start to panic (inwardly). I hate this because I know it's hurting him, but I don't know how to get over it. It's a really difficult thing to know that you're missing out on such a wonderful experience and you feel like everyone in the world can enjoy it but you.

I'm not sure how to know when or if I have achieved orgasm, because I'm not certain of how that actually feels. People have said that you WILL KNOW when it happens, but I'm just not sure. I've had *something* but not sure if it was orgasm, and unfortunately it hasn't happened *with* my husband yet.

This story is similar to many questions I've received. Please share your ideas, experiences, and detailed suggestions in the comments. All ideas and points of view are welcome. As always, you can comment anonymously if you prefer.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

*Please note, I always encourage those dealing with serious or persistent problems to seek medical or professional help. The discussions on this blog aren't meant to be a substitute where professional help is needed.

Sex Stoppers -- Yawn. Sex Is Boring.

Sex Stopper: "Sex is Boring. It takes so much work to get aroused, it's just not worth the effort. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I rarely even orgasm."

Anonymous said...

I have to agree 100% with Anonymous comment #1. It's just a hassle because it's not good. And I know it's one of those practice-makes-perfect ideas, but practicing isn't fun, so why would you want to practice? It was definitely more fun when it was something forbidden and exciting. Now that it's "okay" all the thrill is gone.

JUNE 21, 2010 11:04 AM

Have you ever felt this way? I know you can't see me but I'm raising my hand, high. You love your husband, so you endure. Besides, you would like to have a good sex life, but things just flatline.

Solution: Self love. Self love is, as The Housewife put it, "Figuring out what feels good for them, and learning to enjoy it by themselves, with no pressure and no judgment." Often times masturbation is seen as a dirty or bad word and act, but when used appropriately, it can be highly beneficial in the marriage bed. Many faiths, including Christianity, believe it to be an inappropriate, or even sinful, act when used outside the bonds of marriage. But what about within marriage? Self love can provide an opportunity for the wife to become in tune with her body or to learn new ways to experience orgasm.

I would recommend including your husband in the discovery process. Discuss the idea with him and see how you both feel. The idea of you pleasing yourself may be a very erotic thing for him. You may both benefit. In the book, Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self, author Sallie Folley says:

"Although masturbation implies a solitary act, it has relevance when discussing sexuality and relationships. Masturbation can be either a source of conflict and misunderstanding for a couple or a practice that enhances sexual satisfaction in a relationship."

Some thoughts:

• Remember, the goal is to bring you closer to your spouse. Keep this in mind throughout the process.
• Self love is merely a part of your sexual relationship, not a secret or separate activity.
• If you currently do this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to share it with your husband, consider taking a leap of faith and sharing this side of your sexuality. You will feel closer to him and he will think you are hot.
• Try including him by texting or calling him before, during, or after. It'll drive him wild.
• The more orgasms you have, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm.
• Soon you'll be the one begging for sex.
• Try masturbating in front of your husband.
• Another quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Comfort with your body, including your genitalia, is important in allowing you to become more responsive to sexual stimulation. Many women have been conditioned to have negative or even phobic reactions to their genitals. Familiarity, up close and personal, can help desensitize these reactions."

• One more quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Masturbation is an ideal learning environment; it provides a safe, private, relaxed opportunity for you to explore your body and how you respond to stimulation. Most men benefit from this learning opportunity during adolescence. Many women don't have this advantage. From an early age they're taught that good girls don't touch themselves "down there." Because early in life many women are told that menstruation is "the curse," their genitals become guilty by association. Contrary to popular opinion, the clitoris and vagina are not your only sex organs. Your mind and your skin, whether on your face or the soles of your feet, function as vital sex organs, capable of producing intense sexual arousal."

  Folley provides further ideas and instructions on how to masturbate in her book.

Self love can be a tool in resolving many other Sex Stoppers as well. Mental issues such as past abuse or previously painful sexual experiences can also be remedied.

Anonymous said...

My problem isn't so much the Good-Girl Syndrome as it is the Sex-Hurt-For-A-Year-And-A-Half Syndrome, and even though I fixed THAT problem, it's still hard to retrain your brain to WANT to do something that's associated with pain. (And still isn't entirely satisfying, to tell you the truth...)

Working on it.

JUNE 21, 2010 6:20 AM

Have you tried this in your marriage? Did it help improve sex with your husband? Would you dare suggest the idea to your husband?

P.S. New poll on the sidebar at the top of the poll list.