Masturbation to Boost Your Libido

Masturbation can be a great tool in boosting your desire and enjoyment during sex. As our guest post mentioned, it has greatly enhanced her desire and intimacy with her husband. We've featured a couple other posts about masturbation as well and some of the readers comments on these have been wonderful. If you're struggling with a low libido or struggling to orgasm, masturbation is one tool you could possibly use.

32% of our readers that have participated in our poll on the sidebar either said "Ewww! You said the M word" or "I wouldn't know how".

Masturbation can occur in a variety of settings. You can masturbate alone or take part in what's referred to in the therapy field as "mutual masturbation". This means that you can direct your partner to do what feels comfortable to you either by word or by moving his hand or you can both masturbate together, but separately.

I firmly believe that every woman should be aware of her anatomy as a starting point. If you were the kind of girl to never look at that page in your health book of anatomy and grew squeamish at the thought of sex ed, then you really, really need to check out the link above. Please know about your clitoris and where it is. Did you know there are more nerve endings on a clitoris than a penis? Woman: An Intimate Geography is a great book to become familiar with your body and instill in you some pride about being a woman.

Once you have the understanding of your anatomy, learn about the sexual response cycle and how it typically works for a female. Some parts may feel uncomfortable or weird. It's normal to lubricate, it's normal to feel tense, some women even feel like they are about to pee. Just know the stages and don't freak out about your body's natural reaction. The SRC is a very natural part of life.

If you're going to try masturbating, you can include your partner or do it on your own. Whatever you choose, just make sure you feel comfortable and relaxed. You can use a vibrator if you'd like or you could also use your partner and/or yourself for stimulation. Some say that a vibrator is the best way to go at first while others argue that it's way too powerful and difficult to not have that control. Just go with what feels best to you. You may want lubricant nearby if you don't lubricate well. You could also try just going over your underwear and not touching directly. There's no right or wrong way.

Your mind is a very powerful tool so use it! Often women are more psychologically aroused by romance and other kind gestures, but women can also be aroused by things they see or fantasize about as well. Use whatever works for you in the moment.

Some tips:

• Allow yourself to relax and unwind.
• Be in a place that is peaceful to you. Some have suggested a bath or shower or bed.
• Be in a comfortable position. Many women suggest lying on their stomach or on their back.
• Use your mind, let go and fantasize a bit. Fantasies can include your husband- it doesn't have to be some elaborate fetish or situation. Wherever your mind brings you. Just let it in and go with it.
• Add a little variety to your sex life throughout the day to keep it on your mind. 
• Here's another list of ideas to add variety and spice things up.
• Allow yourself to see what feels best to you. Guide your partner. Be direct with him. Try sensate focus over a period of a couple days or weeks.
• Figure out what gets you in the mood. If you're watching a movie or reading a book and feel a bit turned on, hold on to that feeling. What did you like about it?
• Babeland sells some "Best of Erotica" Books to get you in the mood that readers have raved about. For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality is another book one of our readers suggested.

If you need are in dire need of some direct instruction and how-to, a reader left some tips on a previous post in a comment that she got from another Christian Marriage Site.

What tips would you share for those wanting to try it out?

What Helps Boost Your Libido?

Due to demand, I've created a poll to hear what you do to increase your sex drive.

Feel free to share ideas in the comments!

What helps boost your libido?
	Exercising regularly
	Relaxation
	Talking myself into enjoying it
	Aphrodisiacs
	Eating Healthy
	Boosting my self-esteem/self-image
	Fantasizing
	Flirting
	Taking supplements and/or medication
	Sensate Focus
	Dressing sexy
	Practicing on my own
	Initiating and taking control
	I can't figure out anything that works, yet
	I don't need any boost in my libido! It works just fine!
pollcode.com free polls

Causes of Low Libido

It's perfectly normal to have a high desire and a lower desire partner. Problems may arise in a couple when they don't work with these differences in a respectful manner. Just like other parts of your relationship, there are times when you do things even if you're not really wanting to. Learn to like having sex because it's something that your partner wants and you can fulfill this desire for them even if you're not in the mood initially (and chances are that with sex you'll be in the mood very shortly after starting). It's possible to enjoy sex every time! Sure, it might not be mind-blowing every time, but you can still enjoy it.

Aside from general differences, there are common factors that research has found to be correlated with a decreased libido. A slide show from MedicineNet shows some common sex drive killers.

What issues do you believe affect your sex drive?
	Stress
	Unresolved Issues with Partner
	Alcohol
	Too Little Sleep
	Parenting Chaos
	Medication
	Poor Body Image
	Obesity
	Erectile Dysfunction
	Low Testosterone
	Depression
	Menopause
	Too Little Intimacy
pollcode.com free polls

You can anonymously leave comments with other possible contributors to your sex drive if it's not included in the poll.

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

There have been reports of women stating a low sexual desire from at least 1972.

Here are some stats from recent studies:

Berman et al (2003)
• Sample:4,000 women with sexual dysfunction
• 40% reported not seeking help
• 54% of those would have liked to seek help

National Health & Social Life Survey (1999)
• 43% of American women suffer from sexual dysfunction
• 1/3 say they lack sexual interest
• About ¼ to not experience orgasm
• About 20% report lubrication difficulties
• About 20% find sex not pleasurable

It is also known that women are unlikely to discuss sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction with their physician.

In 1977, low sexual desire was labeled as a specific disorder. However, only 10% of women ages 18-45 meet the criteria for a desire disorder diagnosis. That means that you are probably one of the many that has only a few hurdles to increasing your libido! And even if you do have HSDD, there are still many forms of treatment.

As a clinician, this is the diagnosis criteria that I would use.

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD)

A. Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. The judgment of deficiency or absence is made by the clinician, taking into account factors that affect sexual functioning, such as age and the context of the person's life.

B. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty.

C. The sexual dysfunction is not better accounted for by another Axis I disorder (except another Sexual Dysfunction) and is not due exclusively to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

Specify type:
Lifelong Type
Acquired Type
Specify type:
Generalized Type
Situational Type
Specify:
Due to Psychological Factors
Due to Combined Factors

Assessment

Here is a rough outline of what I’d do and ask about:
1. Clarify the problem (e.g. details, history, past attempts at treatment)
2. Determine onset (gradual, acute, lifelong)
3. Determine context for the complaints (generalized or situational)
4. List all sexual symptoms
5. Go over typical sexual response cycle
6. Consider partner reaction to the sexual dysfunction (level of conflict, stress)
7. Assess couple motivation for treatment
8. Medical, psychiatric and surgical history

Each of these would impact how to treat the sexual dysfunction. I like to match the type of treatment with the cause. For example, if you’re taking Paxil or Zoloft I’d explain that about 70% of the patients on those medications have sexual side effects. I’d suggest you look into alternative medications. If you think it’s psychosocial, I’d suggest counseling, talking to partner etc. I almost always suggest Sensate Focus for clients presenting with sexual concerns.

Here are some possible treatments:

Physical

• Adjust or change medications that have sexual side effects. Look up the side effects of current medications.
• Treat thyroid problems or other hormonal conditions. You can usually have your doctor order blood work to test this.
• Optimize treatment for depression or anxiety. Make sure you’re following through on your doctors recommendations. Also, I recommend reading Feeling Good and When Panic Attacks.
• Try strategies recommended by your doctor to help with pelvic pain or other pain problems
• Estrogen, Progesterone or Androgen Therapy
• Tibolone, Provestra, Hersolution or Vigorelle (Not FDA approved). *In a small study, women taking the drug experienced an increase in vaginal lubrication, arousal and sexual desire.
• Strengthen pelvic muscles by doing Kegal Exercises
• Have a healthy lifestyle by eating well, exercising, getting enough rest etc.
• Estrogen vaginal cream
• Switch medications to something less likely to affect hormones (e.g. lots of birth controls impact libido depending on amounts of hormones)

Psychological

• Seek Counseling. Look for somebody that says they have experience working with sexual issues. Even better, look for somebody who has treated sexual issues relationally (with couples as well as individuals). The best sex therapy occurs when both partners are involved. *Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has resulted in 75% of women significantly improving with 65% remaining improved at 1-year follow-up. (Basson et al., 2005)
• Talk to your partner. Let them know how you’re feeling and have intimate, connecting conversations.
• Sensate focus, which is similar to systematic desensitization, often found in therapies that treat anxiety, is shown to have about a 50% success rate following treatment. (Basson et al., 2005) This means that it is still effective even after finishing therapy and sensate focus exercises; it has lasting effects.

More

Questions:

1. Do you wish you had sex more often? Less often?
2. Do you think your husband wishes you had sex more often? Less often?

You may think you know what his response is. Have you asked him? Are you holding out or putting out?

Anonymous comments welcome :)

Sex Stoppers -- Birthing Babies

Sex Stopper: Birthing Babies. Let me begin by saying I love babies. I love them so much that I have made some. But if you have ever been around children you can probably imagine that they have the power to put a screeching halt to your sex life. Not only do they cry a lot and demand all of your attention, they also do quite a number on your body. Saggy boobs, for instance, are one of my favorite side effects of motherhood.

How ironic is it that to become a mother we have to mutilate our pretty little sexy spot as we push a watermelon through a silly straw? The resulting deformities have a way of zapping the Marilyn right out of you. And if the looks of things aren't enough, think of the shifting and settling that occurs. Your reproductive organs are like a melting iceberg. But we happily do it for those ten little fingers and toes.

P.S. Why doesn't anyone write about this in the pregnancy books? "You're baby will eat every three hours, spit up a lot, and -- oh yeah-- your pretty little vagina is going to look like Freddy Krueger got a hold of it. Okay, maybe not that bad.

Heather said...

Here's a question, I just had our second child 2 months ago, and now everything feels very different down there. Orgasm is difficult again, and it's as if my clitoris has moved or feels different (I don't know how else to say it!) Any thoughts? My husband is patient but mornings like this when I know the kids will be up at 8:00 and I've given us plenty of time to enjoy ourselves but then nothing happens for me are VERY frustrating to me!

JUNE 23, 2010 1:13 PM

Solution: First of all, be kind to yourself. You just created a human!! Give your body time to heal. Give your psyche time to heal. It's natural to be a bit leery of a big, handsome, aroused man after the trauma that is childbirth -- it might hurt! Don't panic. You will heal.

Your pelvic floor muscle becomes very week and damaged during delivery. Many problems can occur from this; greater difficulty achieving orgasm, hypoactive sexual desire, decreased sensation, and incontinence. Here is an example taken from a study called Sexual and Relationship Therapy performed by the University of Central Lancashire, Preston, UK. Susan and Peter had recently given birth to their third child and Susan was experiencing a hypoactive sexual desire.

"During the third pregnancy she began to leak urine, occasionally when she walked, but more frequently when lifting her children and heavy objects. She also found that she leaked urine when she experienced orgasm, both when having sex with Peter and on masturbation. She was embarrassed by wetting the bed. At first she tried to hold back her orgasm during sexual intercourse but this did not always stop the leakage which then occurred during penile thrusting. Her embarrassment lead her to withdraw from sex with Peter although she continued to have the desire to make love with him. She also reported that her orgasms during masturbation on her own and on the rare occasions when she had intercourse were less intense and pleasurable than they were before her last [birth]."

The suggested treatment was to use a product like Lelo's Luna Beads. I blogged about them here. Luna Beads give your pelvic floor muscle the most luxurious workout of your life. You won't even break a sweat :) I think every girl should own Luna Beads, babies or no. The strength developed in your PC muscle will knock his and her socks off.

Sex Stoppers -- The Good Girl Syndrome

Here is an anonymous comment that explains why I write this blog:

Anonymous said...

My libido has disappeared. I'm not talking about, "Don't feel like it." We're talking, "Thinking about it is sort of making me ill."

It's bad over here.

MAY 21, 2010 10:14 PM

There are many, many reasons for a low libido, a few of which are medical. Sex is mostly in your head. Have you noticed? I wrote a little bit about that here and here. One possible sex stopper, things that stop you from having sex, may be the Good Girls Syndrome.

Image via here, here and here

Sex Stopper: The Good Girl Syndrome

Many women suffer from what author Laura Brotherson calls the Good Girl Syndrome. She writes about it in her book, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. While this book is directed toward Christian women, the idea is truly universal. A good girl does not ride in cars with boys whether she is from Canada or Cambodia. Good girls keep their legs crossed. Then, with a simple "I do," the rules you have lived by your whole life are null. A girl is bound to be confused.

Here is an excerpt from her book:

Chapter 1: The Good Girl Syndrome

• The "Good Girl Syndrome" is a result of the negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teach—or fail to teach—the goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes. This conditioning leads to negative thoughts and feelings about sex and the body, resulting in an inhibited sexual response within marriage. . . . The Good Girl Syndrome may be the great underlying and underestimated cause of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage.
• The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from 'Thou shalt not' to 'Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!'" (Dr. James Dobson)
• "When parents focus only on premarital chastity and forget about preparing their children for the joys of sexual fulfillment in marriage, their message is skewed to the negative with mostly warnings and consequences rather than filled with the blessings and godly purposes of sex." (Dr. James Dobson)
• When teaching chastity or sexual abstinence, the message is often, 'Good girls don't.' This is true prior to marriage. However, the message should also be, that, once married, 'GOOD GIRLS DO!'
• "We're weary of dealing with young women who were taught for years, 'Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad...' and then later, 'Oh, you're getting married tomorrow, then sex is good!' You can't undo a life of teaching in a couple of days, weeks, or months. " (Joe Beam)
• Satan has 24-hour access to our hearts and minds through society's swamp of sexual sensualization. Sex is everywhere in society, but at home or at church, discussion of it is often taboo. It's a "forbidden subject."
• It's pretty hard for a young bride to relax when her internal programming tells her she is doing something sinful.
• Sex became a chore for Lisa—something that had to be tolerated for the sake of her husband. Babies and motherhood came along, and sex was simply relegated to the back burner as another item on her 'to do' list.
• Overcoming the Good Girl Syndrome does not mean you become a bad girl, but that you develop a healthy and accurate understanding of the godly purposes and potential of sexual relations in marriage.
• An unseen spell had been broken. She was freed from the belief that sex was bad and dirty, and that men were uncontrollable monsters. She learned that sex was ordained of God, and that He wanted her to fully enjoy it.

Solution:

Identify if this is a problem for you. Retrain your thinking. This takes a conscious effort. When your husband touches you intimately and you feel embarrassed or nervous, recognize that you are feeling "bad." Tell yourself that you are not "bad" and that this is a "good" thing. It brings physical pleasure to me and emotional closeness with the person most important to me.

Instead of shutting down and turning off sexual feelings, embrace them. Allow yourself to dwell on them because they are "good" and you are "good." Act on sexual feelings. if your husband is at work, call him and tell him you are thinking about him and how you can't wait to rip his clothes off when he walks through the door. *gasp* I know, you're shocked. This isn't "bad" behavior? Nope. This, dear girls, is "good."

What do you think? Have you heard of the "Good Girl Syndrome" before? Could you be suffering from it?

Be Like Master Yoda

Boost your libido with your mind. Seriously.

When a thought crosses your mind about your husband's hotness, don't dismiss it, turn it into a fantasy. Allow yourself to think about him. Better yet, dedicate a time everyday to fantasize about your hubby. Maybe while you are making dinner. Be creative, be wild. Your thoughts will surely lead to action.

Photo courtesy of Lane Dittoe Photography

Boost With Desire

Mind over matter. You've heard it said. Mind over matter. The first step in boosting your libido is wanting to boost your libido. And why wouldn't you want to boost your sex-drive? We are talking more orgasms here, girls!

Decide today that you, you -- not your husband -- but you want to increase your libido. Want it for yourself and want it for your marriage. Shoot, want it for your kids and for the guy on the freeway who is trying to merge in front of you. A satisfied girl is a happy, kind girl. :)

Photo Courtesy of Boutwell Studio