Guest Blogger -- Unwanted Porn Use in Marriage

Pornography is always a hard topic to talk about. You never know how people feel about it. In a marriage it can be extremely dangerous. So what's the key to keeping your romance life in check when your spouse is "keeping their jollies to themselves?"

First off is recognizing the signs. If your spouse has no desire to have sex, I believe that would be the first sign. If they keep to themselves a lot, don't let you check their browser history or often delete it, those would also be sure signs. Also if they used to have a high sex drive but "seem" to not anymore, I'd keep an eye out for it. So let's say they do look at pornography. Now is the time that you take the next step. Confrontation.

Just ask. Nicely. Don't come out with your guns blaring and ready for a fight. Tell them that you have your suspicions and just want to know the truth. Also mention that you want them to feel free to talk to you about it. Especially if it is something that you do not approve of. And more important than anything: BE THE KIND OF PERSON THEY CAN TALK TO! I can't stress that enough. If you get mad every time they mention they slip up, or are having a hard day, chances are they will just stop talking to you.

One thing to remember as a spouse of a pornography addict is this: this is NOT about you. You are going to feel hurt, betrayed, even angry. DO NOT express these feelings when they arise. The only time you should ever talk to the addict about these feelings is when you are calm, collected, and caring. Your spouse is already feeling guilty and ashamed. So if you express these emotions right when they surface, you are telling your spouse that you don't care how they are feeling. You're taking the focus off of his problem, and putting the focus on you. Never EVER do this. The moment you do, whatever progress you've made in communicating about his addiction, will have taken numerous steps backwards. His addiction isn't meant to hurt you. And most importantly, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He hasn't cheated on you. It doesn't matter that you feel like he has, he hasn't. Once the problem is out in the open, chances are he will be wary of accepting any outside help. If you plan on staying married to him, you need to be patient.

Pornography is an addiction that is worse than any drug. They are going to have it for the rest of their life. This isn't to say they will never stop viewing pornography. Just that you will BOTH have to struggle and fight for the rest of his life. Again, if you plan on staying married to him, you now need to be gentle, patient and extremely compassionate as you encourage them to get help. Ultimatums should be avoided in all but the most extreme cases, and never mention divorce. Stay at your parents or a friends house if you must, but divorce is not a threat, it's a death sentence to your marriage. Show willingness to listen, accept and love them despite their problem.

Now how to help them stop? Encourage them to talk to religious leaders, go to support groups, seek counseling and friends that have/had the same problem. As your spouse goes through this, do the same thing. Talk to religious leaders, seek out support groups. Friends are different, you have to ask permission to speak to one of your friends about it. If you do not get permission, and do it anyway, your communication on the subject will dramatically decrease. You broke trust! Suggest that you put passwords on the computer. Ask them if it's okay if at the end of everyday you ask how they did that day. Go through the browser history of your computer together. Use the computer in a public room. If Internet is on their phone, see if their is a way to get it removed or check up on it or install a phone Internet filter.

Most important above all this though, have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Even if you aren't in the mood to do it, the best way to avoid a spouse masturbating, is if the urge is constantly being taken away. It also wouldn't hurt to spice things up a bit. Maybe what the spouse is craving is a little spice. Lingerie, different positions, dirty talk or toys. Obviously you would talk about these things beforehand, see what you are both comfortable with.

The biggest thing though is communication. Talk about everything. Now these aren't professional opinions. Just opinions of many who have dealt with the same thing. Things will get better as long as you have a calm and open heart and trust your spouse, even when it's hard.

I would add that pornography isn't always about sex. Even if you try to increase how often you're having sex, it may not affect their pornography addiction at all. But in most cases where pornography is an addiction, it's something they have learned to do to cope with stress, anxiety, boredom or something else. An addiction is an addiction. Even if life is going better in another area, the addiction will still be there. It takes time and a lot of work in different areas to overcome.

If you are the spouse of an addict, make sure you are seeking help and support yourself. It's usually not helpful to vent to your spouse how extremely hurt you're feeling right from the beginning. Eventually, this is appropriate, but probably not at first as it may push them away and feed into their feelings of shame. You still need somebody to talk to along the way and you need to be available for your spouse to talk to. I also don't usually have addicts fully disclose to their spouse if I think it might be harmful. Some couples do better with full disclosure upfront and others don't really want to know or prefer gradual disclosure over time.