What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part II

Don't forget to check out Part I and other tips for newlyweds.

The wedding's over, the reception is starting to clear out and if you're like most couples, the guy is anxious to go and the bride is finding excuses to talk to relatives she hasn't seen in a while, straightening up decorations and taking her sweet time to head back to the honeymoon suite.

Getting ready to consummate your marriage may be a little daunting, but here are some tips to get you through.

1. Take care of your hygiene. Make sure you shave and do any necessary grooming and cleaning down there. Be careful of using harsh cleaners because they might aggravate the area.
2. Make sure you've discussed birth control beforehand and have that all ready. (e.g. she's been on the pill for a bit, condoms on hand etc.) I'll have to do another post about some options. Yes?
3. Go to the bathroom before having sex. This way there won't be added pressure on your bladder or your rectum. It's really hard to relax and enjoy it when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom. It may be normal to feel like you have to pee or go #2 during sex the first few times so it's just nice to go  beforehand so you have the reassurance that you don't really need to go again.
4. It can be fun to get dressed up into some special lingerie. It will usually make you feel sexier and get you in the mood if you aren't already.
5. Make sure you have a good lubricant. Water-based are really great and you're less likely to have an allergic reaction. They also don't dry out or get sticky gross.
6. Enjoy exploring each other and making foreplay fun. Women typically need a bit longer than men to become lubricated, fully aroused and ready for penetration. Often, it works well if the man manually stimulates the woman to orgasm and then tries for penetration so he can reach orgasm. Women are capable of multiple orgasms so she may have another or more after penetration occurs.
7. Take it S L O W. So many people on the sidebar poll said that it hurt the first time. Your vagina is being stretched out! You don't want it to rip or get super irritated. It takes time to actually be comfortable. Relax. Take deep breaths. Sex is usually not beautiful and sexy the first time. So just take it slow.
8. Speak to your partner. Tell him what you like, what's uncomfortable etc. Sure, it may not seem very romantic, but it's so necessary. He's not going to know what you like and you're not going to know what he likes if you don't talk about it.
9. It may feel a bit awkward and it probably is. Just relax, smile and laugh your way through. I had never seen a naked guy before (and didn't have any sex education) and I was a bit weirded out like "Whoa, that's supposed to be attractive?!"
10. Don't clench! Your butt or other areas. There are vaginal wall muscles that you can learn to control. As you practice Kegel exercises you can learn to control this.
11. Get in a position that is comfortable for both of you. Don't try anything too crazy until you get the basics down. A good position to try first is having the woman on top so she can control penetration and it naturally helps her relax the muscles down there.
12. Be prepared for your body to just jerk around uncontrollably at times. Relax. Let it happen. This is normal. If you're a control freak, let sex be the area where you don't have to be in control of your body. Let go and enjoy!
13. Have a hand towel nearby (like in the drawer of the nightstand). It's kinda messy if he's not using a condom and you used lubricant. Just clean up a bit afterward and you can avoid fighting over who's going to sleep in the wet spot.
14. Spend time cuddling afterward. Men naturally release hormones that make them sleepy so be prepared for him to drift off to sleep while you're anxiously awake. Men, try to spend time talking to your wife and cuddling afterward. Talk about what you enjoyed.
15. Go to the bathroom afterward or use some personal wipes/ unscented baby wipes to clean yourself up and make sure nothing is in your urethra. Sure, it's not sexy, but a lasting yeast infection is way less sexy.
16. Snack and drink water to fuel up for next time
17. Practice makes perfect so practice together often!!

What other tips do you have? 

What do you wish you'd have known before your wedding night?

Special Price: And They Were Not Ashamed

Laura Brotherson is doing a special on her book And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment as an end of year gift. You can currently get the ebook for $4.99. You can also get the hard copy for about $12.

This book is so great for every single stage of a relationship. It's tasteful and informative. I refer a lot of my clients to this book. It's written in such a way you can skip between chapters or read straight through. I especially love the chapter covering The Good Girl Syndrome. Amazon lets you preview a few pages. Check it out and add it to your bookshelf.

Have you read it? What was the best thing you got from this book?

What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part I

A few people with winter weddings have requested some information on preparing for sex. There's only so much you can know before you actually do. But here are a few things you can do...

1. Learn about basic anatomy. Yours and his. It's better to know about anatomy before trying anything. For example, do you know what a clitoris is, where it's located and that it's often where stimulation is needed for many woman to orgasm. Does he? You both need to just learn some basic anatomy. It might not make sense until you see it all, but learn all that you can.


2. Learn about the sexual response cycle. You can see the post here. There are some very informative sketches for you visual learners. I've heard that for a lot of women arousal precedes desire and for men desire comes first. It's just good to know basic gender differences.


3. Use a dilator to stretch you vagina. This is just helpful for when penetration occurs later. You can often get a set of dilators from your family doctor or OB. They are basically just cylinders that gradually increase in size. You can buy a set of dilators online if you're too nervous to talk to your doctor. Make sure you get some lubricant to help them go in easier. This will also get you the chance to see if you're allergic to any lubes. Babeland has a wide variety if you need a place to get started.


4. If you are planning on doing any special grooming for the hair down there or other areas try it at least once before nearing your wedding. For example, I've known some girls that go in for the full Brazilian the day before they get married and end up being allergic to the wax and then sex was a nightmare the first few weeks because they're dealing with a rash.


5. Talk to your fiance about his expectations for your grooming. I know of a man that didn't know women had pubic hair and went and hid in the bathroom for a few hours after he saw his wife naked because he thought he had married a man. True story. (Again, see #1). Let him know your expectations as well. Also, make sure you clean down there. Unscented Baby wipes work great, but you can also just use a wet wash cloth. Sometimes, you can have a white-ish buildup around your clitoris and the other folds that will cause an odor.


6. Talk to your fiance about his expectations about lingerie. Is it sexy? Is it a waste of time? What do you think? My suggestion is to at least try it out. Most women find it empowering and helpful in boosting their libido.


7. Discuss what types of sex are desired and appropriate in your marriage. Manual stimulation? oral? anal? vaginal? How often do you plan to have sex? You may not want to form a concrete opinion, but it's good to discuss expectations.


8. Discuss the "what ifs". What if you're too tired- do you nap first? What if he prematurely ejaculates? She can't orgasm? Penetration is too painful or impossible? What are you going to do about these common situations? My advice is to go in with a sense of humor, relax and remember you have lots of time to learn and perfect it.


9. Discuss opinions on sex toys, vibrators and other props and objects. Do you want to start out with this or gradually introduce them or not have them at all?


10. Be healthy. Go to your OB for a premarital exam. Ask lots of questions. Make sure you're living a good lifestyle with healthy eating, exercise, rest and good hygiene.


11. Sex if meant to be fun and enjoyable for the man and the woman. If you think you might be suffering from The Good Girl Syndrome then you should do some reading, challenge those thoughts, talk to your fiance and work through it with a counselor if necessary.

Feelin' Sexy Friday: Boudoir Pictures

I realize Boudoir Photos could be controversial.

Do you think it's okay to show so much skin to somebody who is not your husband?

Have you had a good or bad experience?

What about your husband?

Boudoir Pictures could be a great gift for your spouse and seem to be becoming more popular. Recently, I've seen a lot of deals for these on my local Groupon and other deal sites.

These are a great gift for a spouse that's going away on deployment or a business trip, a memento of your young body, a fun surprise, or an idea for a girls night.

There can be a lot of variety in boudoir pictures.

If you're a bit camera shy you could just do some digital pictures with your girl friends or ask others about photographers they've used.

You could even set up timed pictures and do them yourself. If you're doing them yourself, turn the flash off and maybe have some candles or soft lighting. It'll leave a soft, subtle glow and be forgiving of any imperfections you worry about.

You choose the level of nudity you are comfortable with. I've seen some really classy boudoir photos where they're still sexy but have some mystery.

You can choose the style you'd like. For example, vintage pinup style may be better for those of you that have a few more curves since that's the style anyway.

You can do them inside, use your bedroom, outside or in a studio setting.

Mix up what you're wearing. You could gradually lose clothing in each picture or just have a variety of outfits you wear or don't wear.

It's all about attitude. Be confident and comfortable. If you feel sexy, you'll look sexy.

Adding a Little Variety

• See how many days in a row you can have sex. And how many times you can have sex in just one day.
• Let him bring you to orgasm as many times as he wants.
  
• Have secret words so you can imply what you want in front of the kids (e.g. ice cream=sex).
  
• Have slow sex. See how long you can go before climax.
  
• Have gentle sex.
  
• Have a quickie.
  
• Have rougher sex.
• Get a hotel for a weekend and stay in the room all day.
  
• Don't wear underwear under your clothing. This may work better-or at least feel more comfortable-with a dress or a skirt.
  
• Do a strip tease. Wear layers. A shirt and a shirt with buttons is a good idea. Wear sheer fabrics. Almost show something, show it quickly and cover it before uncovering it. You can touch him, but he can't touch you.
  
• Wear some sexy heels or cowboy boots during your encounter.
• Play some sex games. Get some dice, play strip poker, twister, wear the twister mat and use it. Do a search for sex games.
  
• Have sex with all of the lights on.
• Try new oils and lubricants.
  
• Look up new sex positions and try them out.
• Have sex in new places- the kitchen, the living room, shower, outside, the car etc. (Remember privacy and obscenity laws, though.)
  
• Get a copy of the Kama Sutra and learn more about the Eastern perspective on sexuality.
• Use sexual toys. There are so many things out there beyond the standard vibrators, rings, sleeves, furniture to help get in a better position, pheromone enhancers etc. Take a look. Do your research.
  
• Engage in mutual masturbation. Either stimulate yourself in front of your partner or guide him to what feels good to you.
• Be verbal when you have sex. Tell him what feels good, better and best (and not so good if necessary).
  
• So some role play. Recreate a first date or wedding night. Flirt, tease and have some fun. Try some sexy costumes when you role play if you'd like.
  
• Take boudoir pictures. Hide them around for him to find or give him a photo book.
  
• Take erotic pictures of each other. (Any good ideas of how to keep them away from children and others?)
• Share your sexual fantasies with each other. Everybody has fantasies. You can go a step further and see if you can fulfill them in any way.
• Keep eye contact throughout the entire sexual experience- especially during orgasm when you naturally want to close your eyes. This could be one of the most intimate moments you've shared.
  

The Sex-Starved Marriage

"Contrary to what you might think, a sex-starved marriage is not necessarily one that has no sex (although abstinence can and does occur); it is a marriage where one spouse desperately longs for more touch, physical connection and sex, while the other spouse, for a variety of reasons, just isn't interested."

Michele Wiener-Davis has written a book entitled The Sex-Starved Marriage. Many couples enjoy reading this and find it very useful.

She also has a book called The Sex-Starved Wife. She found in a study that 60% of women say they want sex as much or more than their husbands. She claims "Low desire in men is America's best kept secret." You can watch a clip of her on the Today Show as she talks about this book.

Michele operates in her practice from a solution-based approach and gives lots of tips and ideas so if you want a practical book and are willing to try new things, these books would be a good fit for you.

Sexless Marriage

Sex should be approached with love and respect. I believe that the sexual relationship is to be nurtured by both individuals. It is within each partner's power to discuss and improve their relationship if there are struggles.
If you aren't satisfied with the frequency of sex in your relationship, say something to your partner. However, don't attack or be demeaning or blaming. You could try one of the following:

"I love you and I want to be closer to you emotionally and physically...."

"I would like to increase the amount of intimacy we experience in our relationship and I think seeking outside help would help us look forward to...."

"Sex is really important to me because it makes me feel...."

Feel free to offer other suggestions that have worked for you.

Don't say things like "When are you actually going to have sex with me?" "Is your sex drive just dead?" "Why don't you love me?" These comments are manipulative and hurtful and will just push you further apart.

In most studies, both partners generally desire more sexual frequency. Simply talking about it and making it a priority in your life may be all it takes.

It is normal for one partner to have higher desire than the other.

It can be beneficial to understand if there is something feeding in to one partner's low desire. Some possibilities might include:

• Past sexual trauma
• Past or current shameful sexual behavior (e.g pornography use, emotional or physical affairs etc)
• Misunderstanding of each others sexual history
• Eating Disorders
• Body Image struggles
• Knowledge of the sexual response cycle
• Culture around sex
• Individual beliefs about sex and its meaning
• Possible sexual dysfunction
• Medical problem or difficulty
  

Preparing for Marriage

I'm going to write this from the viewpoint that you are preparing for marriage and haven't yet had sex. I understand that not everybody that reads this blog is a virgin at marriage, but to make writing this easier I'll just aim toward that audience.I recommend Premarital Counseling for anybody wanting to get married. If nothing else, you will be given the opportunity to talk about things that will impact your relationship in a safe environment. This is a great environment to talk about sex and the basics of the sexual response cycle. Don't be afraid to ask questions or ask for resources such as books to help you become familiar with sex and help navigate your way through. It's also a great environment to talk about other real life issues like finances, role expectations, housing, values etc.

Be open and honest about your sexual history with your partner. If you've had sex before, they should know. Keeping secrets is never a good way to start off a lifetime of happiness. Your partner is the one person that should know everything about you. If they can't accept you for your past than you're probably better off without them. Also, don't guilt or shame your partner if they have had previous partners. Forgive them. Move on. Build your life together.

If one of you has a sexual history and the other doesn't, be aware that this has the potential to become a divider if not openly discussed. So make sure you talk about it if you feel self-conscious. Be kind and patient with each other.

If there is a history of sexual abuse, make sure your partner knows and is aware. Victims of sexual abuse may have flashbacks or react to a sexual situation differently than expected by their partner. It's important to talk about triggers and what is uncomfortable. Seek professional help if the sexual abuse is still affecting you and your relationship. As a witness to your partner's abuse, be patient, calm, loving and understanding. Never pressure your partner to do something if they are uncomfortable.

Discuss your sexual expectations. Frequency of sex, how arousal takes place, sexual activities, grooming etc. You may have to revamp this once you are married and actively having sex. In fact, you may revamp multiple times throughout your relationship. If you can start off your relationship talking about sex then it will be easier to talk about it later on.

Discuss expectations for birth control and child-bearing. If you choose to use birth control, decide together what method would be best and make it both of your responsibility.

If one or both of you experiences pain or some kind of dysfunction, seek help and guidance. Work through it together.

Be patient, loving and understanding.

Remember that sex is a divine gift from God. It is an opportunity for husband and wife to be united physically, emotionally and spiritually. Celebrate your unity with each other and enjoy expressing your love and commitment to each other.

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Embrace the Muffin Top

I recently watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love and there was a scene in there that made me smile and think.

Here's the movie scene:

The main character, Liz, is eating pizza in Naples with her friend when her friend looks guiltily at the pizza and explains she cannot eat it.

"I want to, but I've gained like 10 pounds.... I've got this right here on my tummy. What's this called?"

"A muffin top. I have one, too. Let me ask you this.... In all the years you've ever undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out or left?"

"No..."

" That's because he doesn't care. He's in the room with a naked girl. He's won the lottery... I'm so tired of saying no and then waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consume so I know exactly how much self-loathing to take into the shower. I have no interest in being obese. I'm just through with the guilt."

I've worked a lot with women with disordered eating and body image issues and these are often tied to sexuality. There may be a million different reasons for this, but that's to be discussed at another time.

Embrace your body! Love who you are! Your man will love you no matter what your body looks like. Confidence and being comfortable with how you look is sexy!!

My challenge for you is to show that confidence. Go initiate an intimate interaction. Put on some nice lingerie or go in the buff or show your confidence in how you pursue. Do whatever works for you. I bet your man will love it. Let me know how it goes.

Have a great Friday!

Questions or Suggestions for further topics? Email alyssamft{at}gmail{dot}com

Statistics on Sexuality

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Many surveys have been conducted regarding sexuality.

• Kinsey Report (1947): Sample of 18,000, sample of convenience
• Masters and Johnson (1960’s): Small sample, lab setting, convenience sample
• Shere Hite Report (1976): Sample of 3,000, 3% return, women’s magazine subscribers
• Redbook: 2% return of 4,700,000 readers
• Janus Report (1993): sent to 4550, 2795 returned-61% return
• Several European and U.S. studies in 1990’s

People often wonder what's "normal". For the sake of these statistics, we will use the National Health and Social Life Survey from 1990. It's one of the best studies completed so far.

• Sample of 3,432, Ages 18-59, randomly sampled, 90 minute interviews in home & has published findings in two books (The Social Organization of Sexuality and Sex in America)

Here are some findings:

• We marry people like ourselves-class, age, religion, ethnicity, educational background—also seems to be true in terms of sexual practice
• 75% of Americans report high satisfaction with their sex life
• 84% of couples fantasize during intercourse

Thinking About Sex
Every Day

• 54% Men
• 19% Women

Few Times/Month

• 43% Men
• 67% Women

Less than 1/mo or never

4% Men

1% Women

Frequency
4+/week

• Married: 7.3%
• Single: 7.0%

2+/week

• Married: 36.1%
• Single: 28.3%

Few Times/Month

• Married: 42.5%
• Single: 36.2%

Few times/Year

• Married: 12.8%
• Single: 17.2%

Not at all

• Married: 1.3%
• Single: 11.9%

Fidelity
Never Had an Affair

• Men: 65-85%
• Women: 80%

Duration of Sexual Interaction
Less than 15mins

• 11% Men
• 15% Women

15-60 Mins

• 69% Men
• 71% Women

More than 60mins

• 20% Men
• 15% Women

Frequency of Orgasm
Always

• 75% Men
• 29% Women

Usually

• 20% Men
• 42% Women

Sometimes

• 3% Men
• 21% Women

Rarely/Never

• 2% Men
• 8% Women

Physically Pleased

• 47% Men
• 40% Women

Emotionally Satisfied

• 41% Men
• 38% Women

Practices Found Enjoyable
Vaginal Intercourse

• 83% Men
• 78% Women

Receiving Oral Sex

• 50% Men
• 33% Women

Giving Oral Sex

• 33% Men
• 37% Women

25% of both men and women have tried anal intercourse at least once

Sexual Dysfunction
3% of men and 14% of women reported pain during intercourse
8% of men and 21% of women reported that sex was not pleasurable
8% of men and 24% of women had been unable to have an orgasm
16 of men and 33 % of women reported lack of interest in sex
17% of men and 33% of women reported performance anxiety
28% of men and 10% of women reported that they climaxed too soon

If you're happy with your sex life, that's all that matters, These are just numbers.

Do you feel like you have a better-than-"normal" rockin' hot sex life?

Overcoming Painful Sex: A Reader Experience

Here's an experience that a reader emailed me hoping it could help others who may be dealing with similar issues.

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For me, sex, was pain. It was physically impossible for me to get him inside me at all. I've been married a little over two years and had sex for the first time 8 months ago!! Yikesabee right?! I was in a world of confusion, pain, and shame. No one ever mentioned to me that there was a possibility that I would not be able to have sex, so I was like....what's wrong with me?!! Unfortunately, even though my mother is AMAZING, I felt even more depressed after speaking to her about the problem. She told me to just "tough it out" and treated me like I was purposefully withholding sex and being immature. Most of my friends got married around the time I did and I remember one of my friends telling me that on her honeymoon her and husband got bored of having sex so much. I could have screamed. I felt completely alone.

(I should note immediately that my husband was/is the most incredibly patient, gentle, loving man in the world. He never made me feel abandoned or broken, but I felt broken compared to everyone else, so, the struggle felt solitary.)

After many months of excruciatingly painful sexual attempts, usually ending in tears (imagine what that did for our minds, hearts, and libido) I began to research. Surely I wasn't the only one in the universe with a problem like this. I went to my gyno but she was extremely unhelpful and acted like my problem was irrelevant to her. So I found myself a new Dr. That helped, but only a bit. She was a bit stumped as I had never had previous sexual experience, been the victim of a sexual attack, or raised to think sex was impure. I looked online and discovered that my condition was called "vaginismus." I found a site that sold kits to help treat it, and there were a lot of web discussions from people with my same issue, or ones very similar! Hallelujah! I was not alone! I ordered the kit and my husband and I read the book that came with it and attempted the treatment, but honestly, it did nothing for me, and I soon gave it up.

Now I felt like a failure again. I wasn't even working on my condition with the tools I had purchased! Was I the laziest person on Earth?! No. Didn't I want to have an amazing sex life??! Yes!! And that's when it came to me (and when I say "came to me" I don't mean that it came completely out of the blue out of my own wisdom; there were many, many hours of prayer and fasting that I connect with this epiphany and I do not claim any credit that belongs to Him).

What did I want? Sex? Sort of. Too me, at this point, sex=pain. What I really wanted was pleasure. I wanted to be pleasured. I had found sufficient ways to pleasure my husband, and he had been doing everything to "get" me but I realized I was always so stressed out because I knew eventually I would have to try sex. And I would fail. Thus I never felt very pleasured. So. I decided, screw sex. Screw it! I was going to get mine!

And that's what my husband and I did. For months. It required quite a bit of time after fooling around, to take deep breaths and push my stresses away, and then we would begin pleasuring me. This was achieved almost completely by my bff, vibrator. Ladies, if you do not have a vibrator, you must have super orgasm power, because I learned real fast, that was my ticket to success. (Gwen has great posts about this and discusses why this works so well, read them!)

Anyhow, once my brain was trained to enjoy pleasure from my husband, we introduced "the main guy" to the proceedings. He mostly just hung back and didn't do much, but eventually we just concentrated on keeping him near the base of my vagina, and then slowly, over weeks and weeks, worked him further and further in. My brain, and vagina, learned that even when he is around, pleasure doth still abound. And in fact, pretty soon, he was giving me a lot of pleasure on his own. Then one day, after all our hard work building up to it (breathing deep, clearing my mind, vibrating for the life of me) he was in! And it was a miracle! We rejoiced exceedingly!

I gave myself about a week and a half before I agreed to try again (not wanting to give myself too much pressure to perform, for I learned that pressure is a sex stopper). We did it again! And again! Until now, I can get him in fairly quickly, ya know, for me. We are insanely grateful!! I feel like so many people take sex for granted. I even assumed when I first got married that sex was just part of the package deal. Oh boy was I wrong, right? But my husband and I appreciate being able to have sex together more than almost all the couples we know. We worked our tails off for it and we treasure the fruits of our labor.

Since then, I have spoken with many girls about this issue because I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I felt or to have to taste of that despair. As it turns out, no one has a perfect sex life like I had originally assumed, go figure. We can all work to be better, more giving, and most importantly, open to pleasure. I am so thrilled about Gwen in Love because she is open and excited about sex! I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by keeping silent on this topic, especially after my experience. Let's enjoy the blessing we've been given to experience and give pleasure and never take it for granted!

Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

Female Sexual Dysfunction

The following table was taken from the American Family Physician article regarding Female Sexual Dysfunction. You can read more about the topic here.

Basic Treatment Strategies for Female Sexual Dysfunction

Provide education Provide information and education (e.g., about normal anatomy, sexual function, normal changes of aging, pregnancy, menopause). Provide booklets, encourage reading; discuss sexual issues when a medical condition is diagnosed, a new medication is started, and during pre- and postoperative periods; give permission for sexual experimentation. Enhance stimulation and eliminate routine Encourage use of erotic materials (videos, books); suggest masturbation to maximize familiarity with pleasurable sensations; encourage communication during sexual activity; recommend use of vibrators*; discuss varying positions, times of day or places; suggest making a "date" for sexual activity. Provide distraction techniques** Encourage erotic or nonerotic fantasy; recommend pelvic muscle contraction and relaxation (similar to Kegel exercise) exercises with intercourse; recommend use of background music, videos or television. Encourage noncoital behaviors*** Recommend sensual massage, sensate-focus exercises (sensual massage with no involvement of sexual areas, where one partner provides the massage and the receiving partner provides feedback as to what feels good; aimed to promote comfort and communication between partners); oral or noncoital stimulation, with or without orgasm. Minimize dyspareunia Superficial: female astride for control of penetration, topical lidocaine, warm baths before intercourse, biofeedback. Vaginal: same as for superficial dyspareunia but with the addition of lubricants. Deep: position changes so that force is away from pain and deep thrusts are minimized, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs before intercourse.

NOTE: For a review, see Striar S, Bartlik B. Stimulation of the libido: the use of erotica in sex therapy. Psych Annals 1999;29:60-2. *--Provide information for obtaining one discreetly. **--Helpful in eliminating anxiety, increasing relaxation and diminishing spectatoring. ***--Also helpful if partner has erectile dysfunction.

The Art of Seduction

You can't expect your man to be raring to go every time you are. Sometimes a little bit of seduction is in order.

In case you need a bit of help, here's...

Gwen's Guide to Seducing Your Husband

1. Hanes may be Her way but they certainly aren't his. Ditch the granny panties and upgrade to something a little bit more alluring.
2. Walk the Walk, Talk the Talk. Play the part, girl, and flaunt what you've got.
3. Don't be a Sheepish Lambert shyly alluding to a romantic encounter. Come out roaring. Tell your man what you want and go get it. What are you waiting for?
4. Strip down and sneak around. Fire up a game of cat and mouse. Allow a kiss or touch then scamper away leaving him aching for more. Avoid jumping into your regular "routine."
5. You're Columbus and he's the New World. Take a tour and explore. Then let him have a turn aboard the Santa Maria.

Your turn. How do you seduce your man?

Gotta Go?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I am not comfortable using a vibrator. I think it would actually be more detrimental than helpful to mine and my husband's sex life. Any tips would be good. I've only been married 6 months-our sex is decent, but I get irritated during intercourse. I always feel like I have to pee and certain positions make me cry for some reason...who knows...

AUGUST 11, 2010 9:48 PM

{Jessica Claire Photography}

Vibrator and other sex toy use is definitely a personal decision that should be made between husband and wife. While they can be great tools in teaching your body how to orgasm, they are not for everyone. Pain during intercourse is not uncommon and can be affected by level of arousal and timing in your cycle, among other things.

Between 40 and 54% of women experience a noticeable expulsion of fluid during intercourse. Only 14% report it as occuring regularly. This phenomenon is referred to as female ejaculation. It is rarely discussed and can be a confusing sensation and is often described as "needing to pee." There is a very good chance that this is what you are experiencing.

"When the leakage or expulsion of fluid from the urethra occurs at orgasm, a frequent response is for the woman to deliberately hold back her orgasm and the control this requires during love making prevents her abandonment to erotic pleasure and leads to lack of sexual satisfaction. Since achievement of sexual satisfaction is important in the induction of sexual desire (Riley, 2004), loss of sexual desire follows."

-Sexual desire inhibited by urethral expulsions by Professor of Sexual Medicine, Alan Riley

I would recomend discussing this with your husband. Try planning ahead and grabbing an old towel before you have sex. Try to relax and accept what happens. You may be one of the lucky few who gets to experience female ejaculation.

Understanding Your Body

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5-Day Challenge

After reviewing the comments from my last post, More, it seems the common theme is wanting to want more sex and needing advice on how to make it happen. I believe it is a learning process that requires study and action. Each post I write is ultimately intended to help you improve your sex life with your husband. Marital intimacy is the single most effective way to unite a husband and a wife.

{via}

If every couple would make daily intimacy their goal there would be fewer husbands who stray, fewer crabby wives, and altogether, less divorce. Clearly there will be days when physical intimacy is simply impossible or unattainable, the point is to make it your goal and your desire. Your relationship with your spouse should be the most lasting and intimate relationship you will ever be a part of. No one is more important than your spouse. Not your mother, your sister, your best friend, or your child.

You can not afford to be too busy or too tired for sex. If you haven't noticed, sex is not merely about the orgasm. While orgasm is a very key piece and should not be discredited, sex is also about submitting yourself to your spouse and reaching a higher emotional connection. Learning to orgasm more easily and increasing your libido are great ways to make marital intimacy more achievable.

These are all just words if you fail to act. Try initiating sex with your husband this week for five days straight and see what happens. You will be closer, happier, hornier, and more in love. Don't tell him what your plan is. Just love him.

P.S. Physical intimacy is not limited to intercourse. Intercourse is not always an option. Get creative and enjoy yourself.

Are you in? Will you commit? Sign up for the 5 Day Challenge in the comments below. And, as always, anonymous comments are welcome. On Friday I'll be eager to hear all of your wonderful stories about how rockin' hot your marriage is!

More

Questions:

1. Do you wish you had sex more often? Less often?
2. Do you think your husband wishes you had sex more often? Less often?

You may think you know what his response is. Have you asked him? Are you holding out or putting out?

Anonymous comments welcome :)

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Talk The Talk

We Walked the Walk a few weeks ago. I think it's time we Talked the Talk.

We are all wholesome girls around here. We don't swear in front of our mothers and we are kind to the animals. But do you let your Dirty Christina's come out in the bedroom? Are you too shy? I'm not suggesting you become a nasty porn star. Oh heavens no. But you could definitely try to throw out something spicy here and there.

Here are some lines you could try:

1. I love the way you kiss me…especially when you kiss me there!
2. I love you so much. Can you feel it?
3. Use your mouth on me.
4. Do you like the way that looks?
5. This is going to be the dirtiest night of your life.
6. You can have me any way you want.
7. Don’t stop, harder!
8. I want you so bad – can you feel how much?
9. I love how big your {word of choice} gets when I talk to you like this.
10. Tell me what you’re doing. I want to hear the words.

Sex Stoppers -- Birthing Babies

Sex Stopper: Birthing Babies. Let me begin by saying I love babies. I love them so much that I have made some. But if you have ever been around children you can probably imagine that they have the power to put a screeching halt to your sex life. Not only do they cry a lot and demand all of your attention, they also do quite a number on your body. Saggy boobs, for instance, are one of my favorite side effects of motherhood.

How ironic is it that to become a mother we have to mutilate our pretty little sexy spot as we push a watermelon through a silly straw? The resulting deformities have a way of zapping the Marilyn right out of you. And if the looks of things aren't enough, think of the shifting and settling that occurs. Your reproductive organs are like a melting iceberg. But we happily do it for those ten little fingers and toes.

P.S. Why doesn't anyone write about this in the pregnancy books? "You're baby will eat every three hours, spit up a lot, and -- oh yeah-- your pretty little vagina is going to look like Freddy Krueger got a hold of it. Okay, maybe not that bad.

Heather said...

Here's a question, I just had our second child 2 months ago, and now everything feels very different down there. Orgasm is difficult again, and it's as if my clitoris has moved or feels different (I don't know how else to say it!) Any thoughts? My husband is patient but mornings like this when I know the kids will be up at 8:00 and I've given us plenty of time to enjoy ourselves but then nothing happens for me are VERY frustrating to me!

JUNE 23, 2010 1:13 PM

Solution: First of all, be kind to yourself. You just created a human!! Give your body time to heal. Give your psyche time to heal. It's natural to be a bit leery of a big, handsome, aroused man after the trauma that is childbirth -- it might hurt! Don't panic. You will heal.

Your pelvic floor muscle becomes very week and damaged during delivery. Many problems can occur from this; greater difficulty achieving orgasm, hypoactive sexual desire, decreased sensation, and incontinence. Here is an example taken from a study called Sexual and Relationship Therapy performed by the University of Central Lancashire, Preston, UK. Susan and Peter had recently given birth to their third child and Susan was experiencing a hypoactive sexual desire.

"During the third pregnancy she began to leak urine, occasionally when she walked, but more frequently when lifting her children and heavy objects. She also found that she leaked urine when she experienced orgasm, both when having sex with Peter and on masturbation. She was embarrassed by wetting the bed. At first she tried to hold back her orgasm during sexual intercourse but this did not always stop the leakage which then occurred during penile thrusting. Her embarrassment lead her to withdraw from sex with Peter although she continued to have the desire to make love with him. She also reported that her orgasms during masturbation on her own and on the rare occasions when she had intercourse were less intense and pleasurable than they were before her last [birth]."

The suggested treatment was to use a product like Lelo's Luna Beads. I blogged about them here. Luna Beads give your pelvic floor muscle the most luxurious workout of your life. You won't even break a sweat :) I think every girl should own Luna Beads, babies or no. The strength developed in your PC muscle will knock his and her socks off.