What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part I

A few people with winter weddings have requested some information on preparing for sex. There's only so much you can know before you actually do. But here are a few things you can do...

1. Learn about basic anatomy. Yours and his. It's better to know about anatomy before trying anything. For example, do you know what a clitoris is, where it's located and that it's often where stimulation is needed for many woman to orgasm. Does he? You both need to just learn some basic anatomy. It might not make sense until you see it all, but learn all that you can.


2. Learn about the sexual response cycle. You can see the post here. There are some very informative sketches for you visual learners. I've heard that for a lot of women arousal precedes desire and for men desire comes first. It's just good to know basic gender differences.


3. Use a dilator to stretch you vagina. This is just helpful for when penetration occurs later. You can often get a set of dilators from your family doctor or OB. They are basically just cylinders that gradually increase in size. You can buy a set of dilators online if you're too nervous to talk to your doctor. Make sure you get some lubricant to help them go in easier. This will also get you the chance to see if you're allergic to any lubes. Babeland has a wide variety if you need a place to get started.


4. If you are planning on doing any special grooming for the hair down there or other areas try it at least once before nearing your wedding. For example, I've known some girls that go in for the full Brazilian the day before they get married and end up being allergic to the wax and then sex was a nightmare the first few weeks because they're dealing with a rash.


5. Talk to your fiance about his expectations for your grooming. I know of a man that didn't know women had pubic hair and went and hid in the bathroom for a few hours after he saw his wife naked because he thought he had married a man. True story. (Again, see #1). Let him know your expectations as well. Also, make sure you clean down there. Unscented Baby wipes work great, but you can also just use a wet wash cloth. Sometimes, you can have a white-ish buildup around your clitoris and the other folds that will cause an odor.


6. Talk to your fiance about his expectations about lingerie. Is it sexy? Is it a waste of time? What do you think? My suggestion is to at least try it out. Most women find it empowering and helpful in boosting their libido.


7. Discuss what types of sex are desired and appropriate in your marriage. Manual stimulation? oral? anal? vaginal? How often do you plan to have sex? You may not want to form a concrete opinion, but it's good to discuss expectations.


8. Discuss the "what ifs". What if you're too tired- do you nap first? What if he prematurely ejaculates? She can't orgasm? Penetration is too painful or impossible? What are you going to do about these common situations? My advice is to go in with a sense of humor, relax and remember you have lots of time to learn and perfect it.


9. Discuss opinions on sex toys, vibrators and other props and objects. Do you want to start out with this or gradually introduce them or not have them at all?


10. Be healthy. Go to your OB for a premarital exam. Ask lots of questions. Make sure you're living a good lifestyle with healthy eating, exercise, rest and good hygiene.


11. Sex if meant to be fun and enjoyable for the man and the woman. If you think you might be suffering from The Good Girl Syndrome then you should do some reading, challenge those thoughts, talk to your fiance and work through it with a counselor if necessary.

Sex Stopper -- Criticism

Do you find that you are being highly critical of your spouse and/or other people around you? It's not attractive and it's not helping anyone. Are you being critical because you're on edge and stressed? What are you trying to accomplish? What's the real feeling behind it? There are more productive ways to suggest a change or express your sadness, anger or disappointment.

Cut the criticism.

John Gottman, a prominent marriage & family researcher and therapist, considers criticism to be one of the warning signs that a marriage could be headed for trouble. Do your best to catch yourself and learn how to better offer critiques or even complaints without attacking another person for who they are.

Slice of Advice -- Date Each Other

Too often couples get caught in a dating rut. They either just go to dinner and a movie or don't even go out any more. They think it's too much of a hassle, they already have their great catch, their spouse already knows they love them, why waste the money... Wrong! It's worth it! Keep the spark alive!

Make sure that you and your hubby are dating each other. You might think you know everything about him already, but you don't. You still have plenty to talk to each other. Plan a nice night out on the town, get dressed up for each other, plan a great evening inside with a themed dinner date, go try something new.

Be creative.

Feel free to comment with great dates you've had in the past and exchange ideas here.

Slice of Advice -- Turn off Electronics

Turn your phone off. Turn off the TV. Turn off the games. Turn off the computer. Maybe even spend a whole day (or more) without these things.

Take the time to actually BE with each other. Fully engaged in the moment. Give each other your full attention.


Then, go turn off the lights and have some fun!

Slice of Advice: Watch Your Words

When arguing, remember, you can't take back your words. You can easily add more words but it's very difficult to take them back. Choose wisely what you say.

"Man's tongue is soft, and bone doth lack; yet a stroke therewith may break a man's back." Benjamin Franklin

Good Intentions

In life, people say and do stupid things. I have learned, however, that offensive or hurtful words and actions are usually not intended to be so. They are generally poorly formed thoughts or misunderstood actions. This applies in marriage as well. If you are the good, honest woman you ought to be and if you have married a good man, he would never intentionally hurt you. Would you intentionally hurt him?

If the answer was yes, stop right there. Change yourself. Why would you ever hurt the person most important in your life?

If the answer was no, as it should be, think on it. "I would never intentionally hurt my husband and he would never intentionally hurt me. " What a freeing statement! How much easier is it to not take offense and to forgive if you truly believe this statement?

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Your marriage will be so peaceful and happy if you live by the belief that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt your spouse.

Let's do some examples:

• Change this thought, "How could Husband leave the trash can overflowing again after we have decided this to be his chore?! He must not respect me." into this thought "Silly Husband, he forgot to empty the trash can again. He must have a lot on his mind."
• Change this thought, "Why isn't Husband coming on to me tonight? He must think I am undesirable." into this thought, "Husband hasn't hit on me tonight. He must be feeling unloved. I think I'll start some hanky panky."
• Change this thought, "Why did he buy me a blanket for my birthday? He knew I wanted a new pair of jeans." into this thought, "He bought me a blanket, how sweet! He knows I'm always cold when we cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie."

Have you had an experience where you chose to recognize Husband's good intentions?

Slice of Advice: Laugh

"Laugh a lot. Never take life too seriously."

Growing up shouldn't = lame. Remember when you were dating and you had fun? Take a tip from Katie and lighten up. Smile. Laugh. Now turn off your computer and go tickle your honey till he laughs his socks off. But only after you take the new poll on the sidebar :)

Slice Of Advice: Being Mad

"Try not to both be mad at the same thing at the same time. At least one of you should try to offer a positive point of view."

This was the first slice of advice from Annie's book and it has always stuck with me. The concept reminds me of a teeter-totter. When one side is down, the other must be up. The goal should be balance.

Husband was disappointed when, right before last year's season finale of Lost, the power went out. I saw the tears welling up in his eyes and took action before the flood gates opened. (jk) I told him we could play Sawyer and Kate trapped in a polar bear's cage. Balance restored.

Photo Courtesy of Anna Kuper Photography of San Francisco, CA

Has this slice of advice been helpful in your marriage?

Gwen's Slice of Advice

For my bridal shower, my BFF, Annie, asked all of the guests to write me a little note offering a slice of wedding advice. She compiled the notes into a sweet little book. I love my little book. Some of the advice was silly and some was sage. It ranged from spiritual to sexual. Some I disagreed with and others I cherished.

I am so excited to introduce a segment I like to call, Gwen's Slice of Advice.

Photo courtesy of Love Me Do Photography of Philadelphia, PA

To kick off the show, Let's hear what advice you've received. Was it good advice?