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Occasionally, we post some interesting research and links over there like these...

Why Sex is a Better Headache Cure than Painkillers


The impact of sexual activity on idiopathic headaches: An observational study.


Vanilla sex is OUT, porn addiction is IN: Disturbing survey reveals how porn is damaging our relationships



Designer Genitalia: The Modification of Women’s Genitals

Guest Post: Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

Let me start by saying that my husband and I have always had a great sex life, but along the way we’ve learned that we can always use improvement in order to make our sex life even more fun and exciting. After nearly 10 years of marriage and two kids later, I can say something that I never thought I’d say  - masturbation has greatly improved our sex life.

I must preface this by saying that masturbation is relatively new for me. I didn’t masturbate growing up, and in our early years of marriage, I didn’t give it any consideration. My husband had a regular habit of masturbating (of course!) and when we were engaged, he wanted me to get a vibrator in hopes that I would start my own habit of masturbating. So I purchased a vibrator. Not for myself but for him, and I still remember how unattractive it was. It was big, pink and just plain ugly. Needless to say its services were never put to use. 

Fast-forward a few years. After having our first child, we revisited the vibrator topic. As you know, intercourse is out of the question both physically and mentally for those first few postpartum weeks, but once the romance starts to return and the sex drive is heating back up, let’s face it, sex is still not that great. About four weeks after our first child, I was ready to go, but sex was often uncomfortable and even painful at times.

As a result, we went on the search for a new sexier vibrator, but this time it was me who wanted it; I wasn’t simply doing it for my husband. It was the best purchase we have ever made for our sex life, and it allowed me to see for the first time that sex toys can be sexy, fun, and very beneficial.

I am still not one to regularly masturbate alone, but I love doing it in conjunction with my husband. There are many occasions where neither of us feels like having sex, but the thought of only masturbating seems very appealing. No need to find the right position or worry about having enough time. It is fast, easy, and effective.

We masturbate together about twice a week, and it has improved our sex life in more ways than one. I have learned so much about my body through masturbation, including how to better use fantasy, how to have multiple orgasms, and how to better identify G-spot vs. clitoral orgasms. There is something empowering about taking my sexual needs into my own hands, literally.

As I look back, maybe I should have given that big, ugly vibrator a chance!

Check out the vibrator selection at Babeland! They even have a section for beginners! There are also some couple vibrators, mini, discreet and a whole bunch of other categories. The Hitachi Magic Wand is always a favorite as is the Siri if you need a place to start.

If you want a bit more guidance to self lovin check out this book.

When He's in the Mood and You Aren't

When asked to write this blog post for Gwen in Love, I was excited and a little terrified. I am well versed in the “in’s and out’s” of sex, but writing about it so publicly is a whole new thing for me. My husband and I have been married for over 3 years and in that time we have had a child and have another on the way. Needless to say, I’m not always “in the mood” when he is. So that is why we have BOTH discovered a great love for hand jobs.

I know many women don’t enjoy giving these and many more feel uncomfortable while doing it. So here are a few tips I have to make your experience and his, a little more enjoyable.

• Remember, this time is as much about you as it is about him. Don’t laugh. I’m serious. Once I realized this, it made it so much better. You aren't just giving him his jollies so he will roll over and go to bed.
• You are totally in control. You can make this experience as long or as short as you want. YOU are the one that gets to decide.
• Go in with a good attitude. If you begrudgingly start rubbing your husband, he feels that, in more than one way. It will take it longer for him to enjoy his time, and chances are will just make you bitter.
• Take the time to feel sexy beforehand.  Put on some lingerie, roll on pheromone enhancer and do your makeup. The better you feel going in, the better he will feel.

Now, let’s get to the good stuff! 
What is it that some women do that make their husbands beg for more?

• As my husband says, “If you aren’t using 2 hands, you are doing it wrong.” I assure you, your husband has more than enough down there to keep both your hands incredibly busy.
• Mix it up. Don’t do one thing for too long. That can get boring (and sometimes painful.)
• Play with his balls. Push them up, pull them down (not too hard) just make sure he knows that you know they are there.
• Treat it almost as a massage. Rub his legs, and every surrounding area. Push his balls up while you massage him. There is also a spot beneath his balls that is hard and VERY sensitive. Rub that as well.
• Penis tips? Don’t switch your hands up too much or too little. Find the balance your mate likes, and stick with it. Of course there is the normal hand hold, somewhat similar to a man holding a remote. Maybe try using both hands on his penis and moving them up and down at different times. (A similar motion as you would have to milking a cow. Sorry for the visual.) Also you could use both hands wrapped around him traditionally at a time. Covers more area. Don’t put him at a bad angle. That just makes him hurt. Don’t focus just on the tip, that can get painful!
• Lube, lube, lube, lube, lube! (H20 is great for hand jobs. Not sticky, water based and washed off easily.)
• Let your hands wander. One hand on his unmentionable while another is on his penis
• Let your eyes show him how into things you are.
• Sitting between his legs when he is laying down really does seem to be the easiest for me to perform this pleasure
• At the very end when you know he’s about to…ya know, pull both his balls down. Big crowd pleaser.
• Afterwards don’t just dash off to wash up. Linger for a second. Let your hands stay where they are for about 10 seconds. It lets him know you enjoyed your time with him.
• If you want to throw in some toys or you're feeling a bit lazy, invest in a Masturbation Sleeve and surprise him with it. He'll love the added sensation.

I hope I was able to give you some good tips. It’s harder to talk someone through these things than I knew! Above all, enjoy it. Pick a time when you are relaxed and maybe offer to do that for him. It’s not the same when a guy has to ask for it all the time. And as anything else in this world, practice makes perfect!

Fulfilled Fantasy- Male Chastity Device

A while ago, we wrote about fulfilling fantasies and had a reader write in with her scenario. Time has passed and I asked them to share their experience so far...

"My husband and I have been married for a few years now. We got married rather young. He's 28 and I'm 26. We like to think of ourselves as a fun, good humored, active couple. We love biking together, watching documentaries on Netflix and cooking together. We're conservative and religious and we're both very supportive of science, education, the arts and positive community projects.

I consider myself to have a healthy sex drive but, unsurprisingly, my husband's sex drive has always been higher than mine. In college I was sort of proud of how well I flirted with guys. I thought that skill would come in handy in marriage but I realized that once married, flirting with my husband would quickly get him turned on and he would want to have sex. I like sex, don't get me wrong, but I'm not always in the mood or ready for it. From my perspective, sometimes kissing can just be kissing, but not for my husband. Once he gets turned on it's a beeline drive for the finish line. He wants penetration right away and then finishes disappointingly (or sometimes mercifully) quickly. I soon trained myself to stifle my flirtatious nature with my husband out of fear that it would trigger his libido. The cycle we found ourselves in wasn't healthy and it was killing the romantic aspect of our relationship. Of course, at the time I had no idea of the damage it was doing. I just thought that marriage was going to be one big sacrifice in the romance/sex department.

After reading posts on GwenInLove about sharing fantasies, I thought it would be good for us to try exchanging our own fantasies. We set up  our little fantasy exchange night and I went first. I told him how I liked kissing just for kissing's sake, going on road trips, taking walks up in the hills by our house and other romantic desires I had. I thought I had done pretty well. Then it was his turn and... wham! He laid his fantasy on me. He wanted me to lock up his manhood in a small cage. I was stunned. On the one hand we have my angelic little romance fantasies and on the other his dark, medieval kinky fantasy. At least that's how I saw it at the time. I was already frustrated with our sex life so when I heard the inner desires of his heart, I freaked out. I know I should have listened, heard him through, and tried to understand but I wasn't thinking clearly and, to be honest, I was really only thinking of myself.

That night was a long one as my imagination about the man I married went wild. The next day while he was at work I hit the net. I posted a plea for help here on GwenInLove and another site I follow. Half of me was hoping to commiserate with women who had felt betrayed by their men, the other half was hoping that somehow I would find out that my husband wasn't all that weird. An amazing response followed that you can see on the GwenInLove posts. I was relieved to discover that, although not extremely prevalent, male chastity is a somewhat common fantasy practiced by many "normal" and well-adjusted adults around the world. I felt pretty silly at freaking out and I decided to give an earnest attempt at understanding my man.

I reconvened the fantasy exchange meeting. It took some convincing because he was hurt by how I reacted the last time. I apologized and told him how bad I felt and that I wanted him to feel emotionally safe to share anything that was in his heart. He was still kind of hesitant and I just told him, "The cat is out of the bag now. There's no hiding your desires anymore so let's just go forward." I told him about my online conversations and read him all the comments I had received. He was surprised that I went to such lengths and he started to open up. We talked and talked and he did his best to try to explain it. One of the commenters linked us to other sites and material which we read from together.

The conversation continued for the next couple days until I started to understand a little bit of his fetish. Let me just try to explain it here as succinctly as possibly. When he was in his early teens, my husband started to feel that normal attraction to girls. He developed crushes like we all do, but was too shy, scared or introverted to do anything about them. It sounds like the girls he associated with were probably confident, loud and pretty intimidating. As he got older and his crushes turned more sexual in nature, he realized that girls basically held him hostage by his own infatuation. We've all experienced it to some degree at some point in our lives. When the person we are infatuated with walks in the room, we freeze up, we can't think or talk, we start to sweat and blush and it's intensely pleasurable and painful at the same time. It's pretty common when we're young, but for some reason those feelings sunk deep into his psyche. He came to crave the submissive and erotic feelings he got when a girl exerted that sexual power over him. He has since grown out of his quiet awkward phase and by the time I met him in college he was a smooth, confident man. He is now a manager over many people at a high-stakes company. Yet, that deep yearning to be sexually and romantically overwhelmed by a woman is still lurking under his tough facade. When we incorporated some tame tie-up games in our lovemaking it rekindled that passion in him to submit some part of himself to a woman, to me. I was oblivious to it all, I just thought we were playing a kinky little game. At some point he read about the recent rise in the use of male chastity devices among couples and he was hooked before he even knew it.

Now back to our story. After all this talk and study I started to feel more confident that I understood my husband and I understood his fantasy and I had the guts to follow through on it if he did. I told him I was willing to give it a go. He seemed relieved and nervous at the same time and produced a chastity cage that he had bought earlier. I realized that he must have been serious about this fantasy for some time but had hid it from me because he knew I wouldn't understand. That made me sad and I promised myself that I would be a more accepting person. He handed me the cage and I examined it. It was smooth, clear plastic and didn't seem overly scary. He showed me how it worked and how it fit together to trap the man's equipment without causing injury or any real pain. He showed me the little brass lock that kept it all securely fastened together. It was a very sensual experience as I knew I held a powerful tool in my hands and I could see the effect it was having on my husband as he watched. We put it on him then. I practiced putting it on and taking it off several times until I felt like I could do it without pinching him.

That night we held our own little lock-up ceremony that we had heard others do. We lit some candles, turned the lights down and made it as romantic as we know how. We set a couple of ground rules and a safe work. We decided on a trial run of a couple of days first, just to make sure that it didn't cause any problems. Then it was time to lock him up. We got it all fastened on him. He wanted me to actually click the lock shut. I thought it would be more romantic he locked it and handed me the key, sort of like a token of his devotion to me. But hey, it’s his fantasy, right? I had prepared a line to say at that moment. Right before clicking the lock shut I told him, "Now that you surrendered your sex to me, I will take the honored place in your life that your orgasm once occupied." It was cheesy but I guess it doesn't sound cheesy to a man who has just been locked in a chastity cage. He face was priceless and hugged me tightly. I thought he might cry for minute. Then we kissed. Boy did we kiss. Since we've been married he has never been able to kiss for more than a minute or two before his clothes start coming off. Now with the device preventing an erection, he was brought right to the edge of desire for me without being permitted to go over. There he stayed for hours as we made out, cuddled, talked and made out some more. Much to my amazement we shattered all of our records for time spent kissing, even from when we were dating.

The next day would be his first day at work wearing the device. He was nervous that it would show through his pants but we did some modeling and as far as I could tell it was imperceptible. I thought about him throughout the day and wondered what he must be feeling and thinking. When he got home (right on time) he told me that he had been constantly reminded of me every time he moved, stood up, walked. He could feel the weight of the device like a gentle but firm hand holding him throughout the day, keeping me always just beneath the surface of his thoughts. He said he felt like an infatuated schoolboy again. He felt those same butterflies in his stomach as thoughts and desires for me arose up spontaneously throughout the day.

That night we made sure the device was still fitting OK. He made a small adjustment to it and we decided to go two more days. Those two days flew by and upon further inspection we found that the device was fitting well and causing him no problems. He is lucky. We have heard that many men require considerable trial and error to get the right fit or even the right device. My husband seemed to be made for the CB-6000 which is one of the most popular devices on the market.

Now it was time to actually start playing the game for real. I say game because in many ways it is a game. It's fun and We are both playing it voluntarily. However, neither of us wanted to take it lightly. This is a game that must be taken seriously for it to be fun, so maybe that makes it more of a sport. I asked him how long he wanted to stay locked up. He responded that it was up to me to make that decision. He reminded me that it wasn't his goal to stay locked up for any specific period of time, or to even be locked up at all. It was his desire to hand that power over to me and let me make those choices. I felt a rush of confidence as I responded, "Very well. I accept. You will stay locked up for no less than one week. I reserve the right to extend that if I see fit." It was a little hard not to giggle as I said it but what followed was another marathon make-out session while his member stayed firmly locked in its place.

The next week was like being engaged again. Flowers appeared on our kitchen table. Chores seemed to magically get done around the house. I was treated to spontaneous back massages and foot massages (my favorite). I think my favorite effect was the little smiles and glances we started giving each other. We were meeting each other’s eyes and connecting in a way we hadn't done since we were first married.

As the week went on I kept reading and learning about the chastity experience. I learned that you can't just lock up a guy and expect him to magically turn into a prince. If he feels abandoned or that being locked up is nothing more than a tool to manipulate him then he will lose that erotic excitement and it will become a chore. These devices are only so secure and he may get out the power tools and cut himself free. (My husband is very white-collar and doesn't have tools so for him it would be a trip to the local locksmith, which he would dread.) The key to keeping the game fun and erotic, and therefore keeping it going perpetually, is to continue to stoke his passions while he is unable to fulfill them. It's not difficult to do. It comes down to the three T's: Teasing, Touching and Thongs (i.e. dressing sexy). Of course wearing revealing clothing around him (when there is no one else around) or doing things like bending over or flashing some cleavage will get him going. Brushing against him as you pass one another, or running a toe along his foot while sitting together takes almost no effort and adds to his smoldering file. The most effective, however, is innocently dropping little teasing comments here and there. Some are very straightforward like, "How is my little prisoner today?" or, "It's been so long, I wonder if I can still remember where I hid that key" or, "Are you sure we should see this movie? I hear [insert attractive move star] appears in a bikini and that might get kind of painful for you...". Other teasings are more subtle like pondering aloud what it might be like for me to kiss another girl (one of his run-of-the-mill male fantasies) or even another guy. That second one really gets him going. I also get a rise out of him by using words like "lock", "key", "device", "trapped", "cage", etc. in casual public conversation. He always blushes when I say them and I know I’ve just given him a little jolt. The key to keeping him locked up and on his toes isn't the little brass key I have hidden in my kitchen, it's the constant teasing that keeps his arousal and his emotions high.

Another thing I have learned is that male chastity is a long-standing kink in the BDSM community and much of the resources out there will also point you towards other BDSM practices. You don't have to go there! Chastity has transcended that community and if you don't want to include whips, cross-dressing, or any other activity in your play then you are under no obligation to do so. Never let someone tell you how you should be playing the chastity game. That is up to you and your spouse and you can make it anything you like...

How has all of this changed him? Well, contrary to some of my initial fears it has not made him into a sissy or a freak. He is the same macho confident guy I have always loved. He is still the boss at work and he is still very outspoken and influential among our friends and in our church. He has changed, though. He now knows how to show his love for me. Perhaps it's not so much a matter of knowing how, but a matter of feeling the urge to do so. I think that is the biggest change in his character. He has always treated me excellently, but he now puts my romantic and sexual needs above his own sexual needs. Let me rephrase that: his sexual needs now include putting my romantic needs first, if that makes sense. It's not just a mental thing either. It's not just, "Well, I want sex so I better do what she wants so she will unlock me." He knows it doesn't work like that and he wouldn't want it to. He seems to have submitted something to me on a deeper level and he gets pleasure from giving me pleasure on my terms.

How have I changed? Well, first I am far more confident in my own sexuality. I now have the freedom to express myself without fear of having to submit sexually as a consequence. I can flirt (with my husband) and tease and be as a sexually liberated as I desire and I know I am enhancing the experience for my husband without giving anything up. I think that confidence is spilling into other areas of my life as well. I never would have had the courage to share this story only a few months ago.

The truly ironic thing about all of this is that as we pursued his seemingly stone-age fantasy, the result has been a fulfillment of all of my romantic yearnings. All of our kissing is now done solely for kissing's sake because for him that is the end of the line. We take those romantic walks in the hills. We do all those things I've wanted and we do them because it pleases him too. I don't know how well I've described it, and frankly I'm still learning about it all myself. I don't know where it will lead us, how it will all end or even if it will end. But I know we're having a lot of fun, we're sexually fulfilled and we're closer than ever. If any couples share this fantasy, give it a go! It has the amazing potential to change your relationship for the better."

If you've had successful experience with a fantasy, please email me and share!

If you're looking for a new or first toy, be sure to check out Babeland and Yandy! Some favorites include the Hitachi Magic Wand , the We Vibe,  and The Blossom Sleeve.

What's your Fantasy?

A fantasy is just imagining or wishing for something that excites you.

Fantasies don't always have to be elaborate or impossible. Sometimes, it can be something small and simple. Everybody has fantasies. You are normal to have them. Some fantasies are similar to other people's and others are unique to only you.

Take control of your fantasies. Most readers said fantasizing helps boost their libido. Start simple. A fantasy could be the dream date you've always wanted. It could be taking charge with your husband and initiating a sexual encounter. It could be dressing up as Princess Leia to please your man (Anybody else watch Friends?) Thoughts can lead to action.

Sharing and fulfilling each other's fantasies not only adds closeness, but as brings a bit more excitement.

What are some of your fantasies?

As always, anonymous comments are welcome.

What I Wish I'd Known Before My Wedding Night: Part II

Don't forget to check out Part I and other tips for newlyweds.

The wedding's over, the reception is starting to clear out and if you're like most couples, the guy is anxious to go and the bride is finding excuses to talk to relatives she hasn't seen in a while, straightening up decorations and taking her sweet time to head back to the honeymoon suite.

Getting ready to consummate your marriage may be a little daunting, but here are some tips to get you through.

1. Take care of your hygiene. Make sure you shave and do any necessary grooming and cleaning down there. Be careful of using harsh cleaners because they might aggravate the area.
2. Make sure you've discussed birth control beforehand and have that all ready. (e.g. she's been on the pill for a bit, condoms on hand etc.) I'll have to do another post about some options. Yes?
3. Go to the bathroom before having sex. This way there won't be added pressure on your bladder or your rectum. It's really hard to relax and enjoy it when you feel like you have to go to the bathroom. It may be normal to feel like you have to pee or go #2 during sex the first few times so it's just nice to go  beforehand so you have the reassurance that you don't really need to go again.
4. It can be fun to get dressed up into some special lingerie. It will usually make you feel sexier and get you in the mood if you aren't already.
5. Make sure you have a good lubricant. Water-based are really great and you're less likely to have an allergic reaction. They also don't dry out or get sticky gross.
6. Enjoy exploring each other and making foreplay fun. Women typically need a bit longer than men to become lubricated, fully aroused and ready for penetration. Often, it works well if the man manually stimulates the woman to orgasm and then tries for penetration so he can reach orgasm. Women are capable of multiple orgasms so she may have another or more after penetration occurs.
7. Take it S L O W. So many people on the sidebar poll said that it hurt the first time. Your vagina is being stretched out! You don't want it to rip or get super irritated. It takes time to actually be comfortable. Relax. Take deep breaths. Sex is usually not beautiful and sexy the first time. So just take it slow.
8. Speak to your partner. Tell him what you like, what's uncomfortable etc. Sure, it may not seem very romantic, but it's so necessary. He's not going to know what you like and you're not going to know what he likes if you don't talk about it.
9. It may feel a bit awkward and it probably is. Just relax, smile and laugh your way through. I had never seen a naked guy before (and didn't have any sex education) and I was a bit weirded out like "Whoa, that's supposed to be attractive?!"
10. Don't clench! Your butt or other areas. There are vaginal wall muscles that you can learn to control. As you practice Kegel exercises you can learn to control this.
11. Get in a position that is comfortable for both of you. Don't try anything too crazy until you get the basics down. A good position to try first is having the woman on top so she can control penetration and it naturally helps her relax the muscles down there.
12. Be prepared for your body to just jerk around uncontrollably at times. Relax. Let it happen. This is normal. If you're a control freak, let sex be the area where you don't have to be in control of your body. Let go and enjoy!
13. Have a hand towel nearby (like in the drawer of the nightstand). It's kinda messy if he's not using a condom and you used lubricant. Just clean up a bit afterward and you can avoid fighting over who's going to sleep in the wet spot.
14. Spend time cuddling afterward. Men naturally release hormones that make them sleepy so be prepared for him to drift off to sleep while you're anxiously awake. Men, try to spend time talking to your wife and cuddling afterward. Talk about what you enjoyed.
15. Go to the bathroom afterward or use some personal wipes/ unscented baby wipes to clean yourself up and make sure nothing is in your urethra. Sure, it's not sexy, but a lasting yeast infection is way less sexy.
16. Snack and drink water to fuel up for next time
17. Practice makes perfect so practice together often!!

What other tips do you have? 

What do you wish you'd have known before your wedding night?

Special Price: And They Were Not Ashamed

Laura Brotherson is doing a special on her book And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment as an end of year gift. You can currently get the ebook for $4.99. You can also get the hard copy for about $12.

This book is so great for every single stage of a relationship. It's tasteful and informative. I refer a lot of my clients to this book. It's written in such a way you can skip between chapters or read straight through. I especially love the chapter covering The Good Girl Syndrome. Amazon lets you preview a few pages. Check it out and add it to your bookshelf.

Have you read it? What was the best thing you got from this book?

Reader Experience -- Overcoming Sexual Abuse

One of the biggest frustrations in my life hasn't been "the best way to please my husband." The majority has been the frustration of how to have a loving and romantic relationship when sexual abuse is a part of my past. There are many degrees of sexual abuse, and all of it affects your ability to fully open up your body to a loved one.

As backwards as it seems, many people who have endured sexual abuse blame themselves. The reason is not clear and even though I have done that, it still boggles my mind. No matter what kind of person you were, or the abuser was, it was not your fault. Ultimately it only matters on the kind of person you strive to be. If you want to be able to give your mind, body and soul to a loved one, then you can. It may take months or even years, but it is possible.

Talk to someone. Whether it be your spouse, a friend or a professional. Someone needs to know and be the sounding board for the things that burden your heart. You don't need to go into extensive detail of every little thing that has ever happened to you. Just share what effects it has on you now. I for one had a hard time letting my spouse touch me in a romantic way. Some ways I was touched, positions and even words reminded me of the pain I had gone through and I shut down. I could not perform sexually when feeling past violation creep up.

The biggest step to my healing was learning that my husband is not a past abuser. He is a loving and caring man and wouldn't hurt me in the same way. It is so important to separate the people you love in your life away from an abuser.

Abuse is a very painful and horrible topic. Being open and honest about do's don'ts and other things will make love making a little more loving and a little less painful. Let your spouse in on the things that burden you in bed so that he can help you through it. And most of all, enjoy your spouse.

Preparing for Marriage

I'm going to write this from the viewpoint that you are preparing for marriage and haven't yet had sex. I understand that not everybody that reads this blog is a virgin at marriage, but to make writing this easier I'll just aim toward that audience.I recommend Premarital Counseling for anybody wanting to get married. If nothing else, you will be given the opportunity to talk about things that will impact your relationship in a safe environment. This is a great environment to talk about sex and the basics of the sexual response cycle. Don't be afraid to ask questions or ask for resources such as books to help you become familiar with sex and help navigate your way through. It's also a great environment to talk about other real life issues like finances, role expectations, housing, values etc.

Be open and honest about your sexual history with your partner. If you've had sex before, they should know. Keeping secrets is never a good way to start off a lifetime of happiness. Your partner is the one person that should know everything about you. If they can't accept you for your past than you're probably better off without them. Also, don't guilt or shame your partner if they have had previous partners. Forgive them. Move on. Build your life together.

If one of you has a sexual history and the other doesn't, be aware that this has the potential to become a divider if not openly discussed. So make sure you talk about it if you feel self-conscious. Be kind and patient with each other.

If there is a history of sexual abuse, make sure your partner knows and is aware. Victims of sexual abuse may have flashbacks or react to a sexual situation differently than expected by their partner. It's important to talk about triggers and what is uncomfortable. Seek professional help if the sexual abuse is still affecting you and your relationship. As a witness to your partner's abuse, be patient, calm, loving and understanding. Never pressure your partner to do something if they are uncomfortable.

Discuss your sexual expectations. Frequency of sex, how arousal takes place, sexual activities, grooming etc. You may have to revamp this once you are married and actively having sex. In fact, you may revamp multiple times throughout your relationship. If you can start off your relationship talking about sex then it will be easier to talk about it later on.

Discuss expectations for birth control and child-bearing. If you choose to use birth control, decide together what method would be best and make it both of your responsibility.

If one or both of you experiences pain or some kind of dysfunction, seek help and guidance. Work through it together.

Be patient, loving and understanding.

Remember that sex is a divine gift from God. It is an opportunity for husband and wife to be united physically, emotionally and spiritually. Celebrate your unity with each other and enjoy expressing your love and commitment to each other.

Statistics on Sexuality

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Many surveys have been conducted regarding sexuality.

• Kinsey Report (1947): Sample of 18,000, sample of convenience
• Masters and Johnson (1960’s): Small sample, lab setting, convenience sample
• Shere Hite Report (1976): Sample of 3,000, 3% return, women’s magazine subscribers
• Redbook: 2% return of 4,700,000 readers
• Janus Report (1993): sent to 4550, 2795 returned-61% return
• Several European and U.S. studies in 1990’s

People often wonder what's "normal". For the sake of these statistics, we will use the National Health and Social Life Survey from 1990. It's one of the best studies completed so far.

• Sample of 3,432, Ages 18-59, randomly sampled, 90 minute interviews in home & has published findings in two books (The Social Organization of Sexuality and Sex in America)

Here are some findings:

• We marry people like ourselves-class, age, religion, ethnicity, educational background—also seems to be true in terms of sexual practice
• 75% of Americans report high satisfaction with their sex life
• 84% of couples fantasize during intercourse

Thinking About Sex
Every Day

• 54% Men
• 19% Women

Few Times/Month

• 43% Men
• 67% Women

Less than 1/mo or never

4% Men

1% Women

Frequency
4+/week

• Married: 7.3%
• Single: 7.0%

2+/week

• Married: 36.1%
• Single: 28.3%

Few Times/Month

• Married: 42.5%
• Single: 36.2%

Few times/Year

• Married: 12.8%
• Single: 17.2%

Not at all

• Married: 1.3%
• Single: 11.9%

Fidelity
Never Had an Affair

• Men: 65-85%
• Women: 80%

Duration of Sexual Interaction
Less than 15mins

• 11% Men
• 15% Women

15-60 Mins

• 69% Men
• 71% Women

More than 60mins

• 20% Men
• 15% Women

Frequency of Orgasm
Always

• 75% Men
• 29% Women

Usually

• 20% Men
• 42% Women

Sometimes

• 3% Men
• 21% Women

Rarely/Never

• 2% Men
• 8% Women

Physically Pleased

• 47% Men
• 40% Women

Emotionally Satisfied

• 41% Men
• 38% Women

Practices Found Enjoyable
Vaginal Intercourse

• 83% Men
• 78% Women

Receiving Oral Sex

• 50% Men
• 33% Women

Giving Oral Sex

• 33% Men
• 37% Women

25% of both men and women have tried anal intercourse at least once

Sexual Dysfunction
3% of men and 14% of women reported pain during intercourse
8% of men and 21% of women reported that sex was not pleasurable
8% of men and 24% of women had been unable to have an orgasm
16 of men and 33 % of women reported lack of interest in sex
17% of men and 33% of women reported performance anxiety
28% of men and 10% of women reported that they climaxed too soon

If you're happy with your sex life, that's all that matters, These are just numbers.

Do you feel like you have a better-than-"normal" rockin' hot sex life?

Overcoming Painful Sex: A Reader Experience

Here's an experience that a reader emailed me hoping it could help others who may be dealing with similar issues.

{via}

For me, sex, was pain. It was physically impossible for me to get him inside me at all. I've been married a little over two years and had sex for the first time 8 months ago!! Yikesabee right?! I was in a world of confusion, pain, and shame. No one ever mentioned to me that there was a possibility that I would not be able to have sex, so I was like....what's wrong with me?!! Unfortunately, even though my mother is AMAZING, I felt even more depressed after speaking to her about the problem. She told me to just "tough it out" and treated me like I was purposefully withholding sex and being immature. Most of my friends got married around the time I did and I remember one of my friends telling me that on her honeymoon her and husband got bored of having sex so much. I could have screamed. I felt completely alone.

(I should note immediately that my husband was/is the most incredibly patient, gentle, loving man in the world. He never made me feel abandoned or broken, but I felt broken compared to everyone else, so, the struggle felt solitary.)

After many months of excruciatingly painful sexual attempts, usually ending in tears (imagine what that did for our minds, hearts, and libido) I began to research. Surely I wasn't the only one in the universe with a problem like this. I went to my gyno but she was extremely unhelpful and acted like my problem was irrelevant to her. So I found myself a new Dr. That helped, but only a bit. She was a bit stumped as I had never had previous sexual experience, been the victim of a sexual attack, or raised to think sex was impure. I looked online and discovered that my condition was called "vaginismus." I found a site that sold kits to help treat it, and there were a lot of web discussions from people with my same issue, or ones very similar! Hallelujah! I was not alone! I ordered the kit and my husband and I read the book that came with it and attempted the treatment, but honestly, it did nothing for me, and I soon gave it up.

Now I felt like a failure again. I wasn't even working on my condition with the tools I had purchased! Was I the laziest person on Earth?! No. Didn't I want to have an amazing sex life??! Yes!! And that's when it came to me (and when I say "came to me" I don't mean that it came completely out of the blue out of my own wisdom; there were many, many hours of prayer and fasting that I connect with this epiphany and I do not claim any credit that belongs to Him).

What did I want? Sex? Sort of. Too me, at this point, sex=pain. What I really wanted was pleasure. I wanted to be pleasured. I had found sufficient ways to pleasure my husband, and he had been doing everything to "get" me but I realized I was always so stressed out because I knew eventually I would have to try sex. And I would fail. Thus I never felt very pleasured. So. I decided, screw sex. Screw it! I was going to get mine!

And that's what my husband and I did. For months. It required quite a bit of time after fooling around, to take deep breaths and push my stresses away, and then we would begin pleasuring me. This was achieved almost completely by my bff, vibrator. Ladies, if you do not have a vibrator, you must have super orgasm power, because I learned real fast, that was my ticket to success. (Gwen has great posts about this and discusses why this works so well, read them!)

Anyhow, once my brain was trained to enjoy pleasure from my husband, we introduced "the main guy" to the proceedings. He mostly just hung back and didn't do much, but eventually we just concentrated on keeping him near the base of my vagina, and then slowly, over weeks and weeks, worked him further and further in. My brain, and vagina, learned that even when he is around, pleasure doth still abound. And in fact, pretty soon, he was giving me a lot of pleasure on his own. Then one day, after all our hard work building up to it (breathing deep, clearing my mind, vibrating for the life of me) he was in! And it was a miracle! We rejoiced exceedingly!

I gave myself about a week and a half before I agreed to try again (not wanting to give myself too much pressure to perform, for I learned that pressure is a sex stopper). We did it again! And again! Until now, I can get him in fairly quickly, ya know, for me. We are insanely grateful!! I feel like so many people take sex for granted. I even assumed when I first got married that sex was just part of the package deal. Oh boy was I wrong, right? But my husband and I appreciate being able to have sex together more than almost all the couples we know. We worked our tails off for it and we treasure the fruits of our labor.

Since then, I have spoken with many girls about this issue because I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I felt or to have to taste of that despair. As it turns out, no one has a perfect sex life like I had originally assumed, go figure. We can all work to be better, more giving, and most importantly, open to pleasure. I am so thrilled about Gwen in Love because she is open and excited about sex! I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by keeping silent on this topic, especially after my experience. Let's enjoy the blessing we've been given to experience and give pleasure and never take it for granted!

Ask the Audience #3: Male Sexual Dysfunction

From a reader:

I have a problem that I think would be opposite of most women.

My husband is not into sex -- at all. I thought I would be the one having to tell him no but I've been rejected so many times I've lost count. I've pretty much given up. We have sex maybe once a month -- maybe less. And basically we have it when he is in the mood -- which is usually in the middle of the night. Maybe he has dreams occasionally that turn him on?

Our sex life was pretty good until about a year and a half after we were married. Then he came down with a chronic illness. Plus he works 2 full time jobs and is involved in church and other community activities. He's so tired, in pain, and stressed most of the time. He just doesn't have the time or the interest. I'm guessing the medication he is on has lowered is sex drive.

Is there any hope? I want it so bad! He doesn't really like talking about it. And I'm the most unsexy woman in the world. What can I do to help spark his interest??

Culturally, we're programmed to think that men are always ready to go sexually, and that it's always the women who want to forgo sex. However, this article estimates that 20-25% of men suffer from low sexual desire and hypothesizes about some possible causes. Erectile dysfunction (ED) can also inhibit a couple's sex life. Low desire can be the cause of ED, or ED can result in low desire -- it's the whole chicken and the egg conundrum. You can read about erectile dysfunction here and here.

Our sexual relationship, just like any other aspect of a relationship, evolves and changes over time. There can be bumps in the road as we work to improve this part of our relationship. Sexual hurdles are bound to come and go.

What are your loving ideas to help this couple through this difficult time?

Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

Female Sexual Dysfunction

The following table was taken from the American Family Physician article regarding Female Sexual Dysfunction. You can read more about the topic here.

Basic Treatment Strategies for Female Sexual Dysfunction

Provide education Provide information and education (e.g., about normal anatomy, sexual function, normal changes of aging, pregnancy, menopause). Provide booklets, encourage reading; discuss sexual issues when a medical condition is diagnosed, a new medication is started, and during pre- and postoperative periods; give permission for sexual experimentation. Enhance stimulation and eliminate routine Encourage use of erotic materials (videos, books); suggest masturbation to maximize familiarity with pleasurable sensations; encourage communication during sexual activity; recommend use of vibrators*; discuss varying positions, times of day or places; suggest making a "date" for sexual activity. Provide distraction techniques** Encourage erotic or nonerotic fantasy; recommend pelvic muscle contraction and relaxation (similar to Kegel exercise) exercises with intercourse; recommend use of background music, videos or television. Encourage noncoital behaviors*** Recommend sensual massage, sensate-focus exercises (sensual massage with no involvement of sexual areas, where one partner provides the massage and the receiving partner provides feedback as to what feels good; aimed to promote comfort and communication between partners); oral or noncoital stimulation, with or without orgasm. Minimize dyspareunia Superficial: female astride for control of penetration, topical lidocaine, warm baths before intercourse, biofeedback. Vaginal: same as for superficial dyspareunia but with the addition of lubricants. Deep: position changes so that force is away from pain and deep thrusts are minimized, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs before intercourse.

NOTE: For a review, see Striar S, Bartlik B. Stimulation of the libido: the use of erotica in sex therapy. Psych Annals 1999;29:60-2. *--Provide information for obtaining one discreetly. **--Helpful in eliminating anxiety, increasing relaxation and diminishing spectatoring. ***--Also helpful if partner has erectile dysfunction.

Ask the Audience #1: Four Years of Marriage and I've Never Had an Enjoyable Sexual Experience

I frequently receive emails and comments seeking advice about various sexual issues. It's apparent from the comments that many of you, dear readers, have experience and insight that could help those trying to improve their sexual selves. So I've created a new series called "Ask the Audience" and I'm turning to you to offer the best solutions you have to the problems we'll discuss. Here's contestant number one:

{via}

When my husband and I were engaged, I could hardly wait to be married to him and have our wedding night. As the big day approached, however, I became more and more nervous. I convinced him that night after our wedding to please wait until we were away and on our honeymoon. I'd gone from excited about giving myself completely to my husband, to nearly scared to death of it. I tried to push that fear out of my mind once we were on the honeymoon, but I couldn't make myself relax. I don't think we actually made love until the second or third night after our wedding, and I don't think I've ever hurt someone so much as I hurt my husband during that time.

Ever since the honeymoon I have been very nervous about making love with my husband. Once we start, I'm okay; there's no real pain or anything. I guess it's just the anticipation that makes me anxious. Sex has never done anything for me, and I'm pretty much only doing it for him now. The problem is, since it doesn't do anything for me, I don't think about it and forget how important it is to him. He's a much better man than I deserve - he's very patient and knows that I struggle with this, and he doesn't want to pressure me, so we don't do it nearly as often as we should. We've only been married 4 years and I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. In fact, sometimes at night when we're not really doing anything, he will just touch me (kind of caressing my back, arms, shoulders or legs). But if his hand goes below my belly button, I start to panic (inwardly). I hate this because I know it's hurting him, but I don't know how to get over it. It's a really difficult thing to know that you're missing out on such a wonderful experience and you feel like everyone in the world can enjoy it but you.

I'm not sure how to know when or if I have achieved orgasm, because I'm not certain of how that actually feels. People have said that you WILL KNOW when it happens, but I'm just not sure. I've had *something* but not sure if it was orgasm, and unfortunately it hasn't happened *with* my husband yet.

This story is similar to many questions I've received. Please share your ideas, experiences, and detailed suggestions in the comments. All ideas and points of view are welcome. As always, you can comment anonymously if you prefer.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

*Please note, I always encourage those dealing with serious or persistent problems to seek medical or professional help. The discussions on this blog aren't meant to be a substitute where professional help is needed.

The Art of Seduction

You can't expect your man to be raring to go every time you are. Sometimes a little bit of seduction is in order.

In case you need a bit of help, here's...

Gwen's Guide to Seducing Your Husband

1. Hanes may be Her way but they certainly aren't his. Ditch the granny panties and upgrade to something a little bit more alluring.
2. Walk the Walk, Talk the Talk. Play the part, girl, and flaunt what you've got.
3. Don't be a Sheepish Lambert shyly alluding to a romantic encounter. Come out roaring. Tell your man what you want and go get it. What are you waiting for?
4. Strip down and sneak around. Fire up a game of cat and mouse. Allow a kiss or touch then scamper away leaving him aching for more. Avoid jumping into your regular "routine."
5. You're Columbus and he's the New World. Take a tour and explore. Then let him have a turn aboard the Santa Maria.

Your turn. How do you seduce your man?

How To Keep Your Man -- Don't Have A Headache

Men (and women) stray. They break their promises and commitments. It happens and it's horrible. Cheating is no respecter of a church, courthouse, temple, or synagogue marriage. I don't believe cheating (usually) happens out of thin air. Generally there are months or years of disconnect between husband and wife. Maybe you don't foresee an affair, but but are you connected? Is your marriage rockin' hot or mediocre? How does your man feel? Have you asked him?

A mutually satisfying sex life is a powerful tool to bind couples together. One study explains:

"Sexual satisfaction has been identified as one of the most important factors associated with relationship satisfaction, which in turn is associated with relationship stability (Kumar, 1986). The three most common issues correlated with divorce are financial management, sexuality, and parenting. It is possible that a better understanding of the antecedents of sexual satisfaction could lead to interventions to improve sexual satisfaction and in turn relationship satisfaction and stability, and ultimately a reduced divorce rate.

-From the study, Examining the Relationship Between Antecedents of Sexuality and Women's Reported Level of Sexual Satisfaction During the First Five Years of Marriage.

As a wife you hold in your hands great power. You have the power to make your husband feel like a man or make him feel like a mouse. While a man may stray despite your love and effort, the chances are diminished if you compliment his biceps, tell him what a fabulous lover he is, or thank him for providing for you.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger puts it perfectly:

“Men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he’s very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need... I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”

Neither Dr. Laura nor I are suggesting you become your husband's sex slave. Far from it. The point is to learn to enjoy sex. Stop having a headache. Choose to not be too tired. You cannot control his actions, but you can control your own.

I am here to help my readers think about, and if necessary, change their actions. Most of my readers are girls, so I direct this to you. If my readers were predominately men, this would be a much different post. This message holds truth, of which I am a seeker. Don't allow your feathers to be ruffled. See the message for what it is.

Today, put aside your own wants and needs and think solely of him. What does he need today? What could you do to make him feel like a man?

Gotta Go?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I am not comfortable using a vibrator. I think it would actually be more detrimental than helpful to mine and my husband's sex life. Any tips would be good. I've only been married 6 months-our sex is decent, but I get irritated during intercourse. I always feel like I have to pee and certain positions make me cry for some reason...who knows...

AUGUST 11, 2010 9:48 PM

{Jessica Claire Photography}

Vibrator and other sex toy use is definitely a personal decision that should be made between husband and wife. While they can be great tools in teaching your body how to orgasm, they are not for everyone. Pain during intercourse is not uncommon and can be affected by level of arousal and timing in your cycle, among other things.

Between 40 and 54% of women experience a noticeable expulsion of fluid during intercourse. Only 14% report it as occuring regularly. This phenomenon is referred to as female ejaculation. It is rarely discussed and can be a confusing sensation and is often described as "needing to pee." There is a very good chance that this is what you are experiencing.

"When the leakage or expulsion of fluid from the urethra occurs at orgasm, a frequent response is for the woman to deliberately hold back her orgasm and the control this requires during love making prevents her abandonment to erotic pleasure and leads to lack of sexual satisfaction. Since achievement of sexual satisfaction is important in the induction of sexual desire (Riley, 2004), loss of sexual desire follows."

-Sexual desire inhibited by urethral expulsions by Professor of Sexual Medicine, Alan Riley

I would recomend discussing this with your husband. Try planning ahead and grabbing an old towel before you have sex. Try to relax and accept what happens. You may be one of the lucky few who gets to experience female ejaculation.

Understanding Your Body

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