Sex Stopper: "Sex is Boring. It takes so much work to get aroused, it's just not worth the effort. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I rarely even orgasm."
Anonymous said...I have to agree 100% with Anonymous comment #1. It's just a hassle because it's not good. And I know it's one of those practice-makes-perfect ideas, but practicing isn't fun, so why would you want to practice? It was definitely more fun when it was something forbidden and exciting. Now that it's "okay" all the thrill is gone.JUNE 21, 2010 11:04 AM
Have you ever felt this way? I know you can't see me but I'm raising my hand, high. You love your husband, so you endure. Besides, you would like to have a good sex life, but things just flatline.
Solution: Self love. Self love is, as The Housewife put it, "Figuring out what feels good for them, and learning to enjoy it by themselves, with no pressure and no judgment." Often times masturbation is seen as a dirty or bad word and act, but when used appropriately, it can be highly beneficial in the marriage bed. Many faiths, including Christianity, believe it to be an inappropriate, or even sinful, act when used outside the bonds of marriage. But what about within marriage? Self love can provide an opportunity for the wife to become in tune with her body or to learn new ways to experience orgasm.
I would recommend including your husband in the discovery process. Discuss the idea with him and see how you both feel. The idea of you pleasing yourself may be a very erotic thing for him. You may both benefit. In the book, Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self
, author Sallie Folley says:
, author Sallie Folley says:"Although masturbation implies a solitary act, it has relevance when discussing sexuality and relationships. Masturbation can be either a source of conflict and misunderstanding for a couple or a practice that enhances sexual satisfaction in a relationship."
Some thoughts:
- Remember, the goal is to bring you closer to your spouse. Keep this in mind throughout the process.
- Self love is merely a part of your sexual relationship, not a secret or separate activity.
- If you currently do this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to share it with your husband, consider taking a leap of faith and sharing this side of your sexuality. You will feel closer to him and he will think you are hot.
- Try including him by texting or calling him before, during, or after. It'll drive him wild.
- The more orgasms you have, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm.
- Soon you'll be the one begging for sex.
- Try masturbating in front of your husband.
- Another quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self
"Comfort with your body, including your genitalia, is important in allowing you to become more responsive to sexual stimulation. Many women have been conditioned to have negative or even phobic reactions to their genitals. Familiarity, up close and personal, can help desensitize these reactions."
- One more quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self
"Masturbation is an ideal learning environment; it provides a safe, private, relaxed opportunity for you to explore your body and how you respond to stimulation. Most men benefit from this learning opportunity during adolescence. Many women don't have this advantage. From an early age they're taught that good girls don't touch themselves "down there." Because early in life many women are told that menstruation is "the curse," their genitals become guilty by association. Contrary to popular opinion, the clitoris and vagina are not your only sex organs. Your mind and your skin, whether on your face or the soles of your feet, function as vital sex organs, capable of producing intense sexual arousal."
Folley provides further ideas and instructions on how to masturbate in her book.
Self love can be a tool in resolving many other Sex Stoppers as well. Mental issues such as past abuse or previously painful sexual experiences can also be remedied.
Anonymous said...My problem isn't so much the Good-Girl Syndrome as it is the Sex-Hurt-For-A-Year-And-A-Half Syndrome, and even though I fixed THAT problem, it's still hard to retrain your brain to WANT to do something that's associated with pain. (And still isn't entirely satisfying, to tell you the truth...)Working on it.JUNE 21, 2010 6:20 AM
Have you tried this in your marriage? Did it help improve sex with your husband? Would you dare suggest the idea to your husband?
P.S. New poll on the sidebar at the top of the poll list.
Anon #1 here (I always seem to catch up on blogs early in the morning...) The self-love thing isn't the problem ... I can pretty easily orgasm, and I know what feels good. Foreplay is awesome. It's just the actual intercourse itself. I had vaginismus for a long time (where you have muscle spasms in your vagina, making sex difficult and painful). I've done a lot of things to help it, and lots of things have made it better, but I really think it's just a mental block left over. It's not always bad, and sometimes it's good, but that part ... the actual intercourse ... just isn't great.
ReplyDeleteBut, like I said, we're working on it, and are figuring out ways to make it better. (Position has a lot to do with it.)
Thanks for all the advice though :)
Thanks for the shout-out!
ReplyDeleteApril - I think it's great that you're working on it! Have you ever tried using a toy? Cause that can add a whole other element to self love. And what makes actual intercourse awesome for me is foreplay - lots of foreplay, foreplay that actually makes me crave penetration. Since you already find foreplay awesome, maybe you can experiment with that some more..
Masturbation sounds like a helpful idea, but honestly.... i would have no idea how!
ReplyDeleteAfter 2 years of marriage and no orgasm in sight, I finally took this step to learn what worked for me, and it was the best thing I could have ever done. My husband wasn't "pressuring" me to have an orgasm, but he was so frustrated that he couldn't do that for me that it was an awful lot of pressure. Once I figured out what worked for me and had a few for myself, I could teach him! It's been mostly great ever since!
ReplyDeleteHere's a question, though, I just had our second child 2 months ago, and now everything feels very different down there. Orgasm is difficult again, and it's as if my clitoris has moved or feels different (I don't know how else to say it!) Any thoughts? My husband is patient but mornings like this when I know the kids will be up at 8:00 and I've given us plenty of time to enjoy ourselves but then nothing happens for me are VERY frustrating to me!
this is a FANTASTIC blog. so i left you a little something on mine. www.untilyoucomehome.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteWhat's the best way to approach this? Is it better to find the way that gets you to orgasm the quickest and easiest so your body gets accustomed to orgasming or is the self learning time meant to be taken slow and explore? To find out what's pleasurable? I think most of us who have masturbated when younger were used to the "do it quick so I don't get caught!" mentality. Even though I could/can orgasm, I would like to be more comfortable with my sexuality and body.
ReplyDeleteSounds like some advice I need to try, but I've always felt a little embarrassed about bringing it up. Has anyone else who already put this to the test be willing to say if it was helpful or not? Was your husband put off by the idea or generally supportive?
ReplyDeleteThere's some good advice in this post that I should probably heed! LOL
ReplyDeleteI am giving you an award on my blog tomorrow because I absolutely fell in love with your blog and all your great (and helpful) posts!
Hello! I’m having a blog hop over at my blog:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.nycislandgal.com/2010/06/im-so-following-you-back.html
Come and leave your link so all my readers can follow you too!
Oh Gwen, I am so super super excited to be following you......I KNEW I was going to love you but I had no idea you were going to knock my socks off like you already have! Thank you for being so honest and keeping it real! My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, but it's true, there is always room to spice things up in the bedroom, and it's way too easy to settle into the boring/lazy routine! Thanks for the inspiration sista!! :) xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteLOVE this blog! Here from nYC Island Girl's bolg hop and so happy that I found you. WHen you check out my blog, please page down a bit - the first 2 posts don't really show what my blog is. Hoope to see you there - following you!
ReplyDeletexo Erin
here from fbf Take a minute an check my blog out if you haven't already.
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I was always taught not to masturbate and so doing some self stimulation was very hard for me. But I can understand the need for this. I just kind of assumed my husband would know what to do. But he was looking to me for some help. I still couldn't do this, but did have a nice break through with my husbands help. Once he was giving me oral sex and I was really enjoying it and feeling great. He guided my hand down and I just started to rub myself while he continued to give me oral. The added stimulation was so good. But then I just pulled my hand away due to my negative feelings about touching myself and thinking he would be uspset with me touching myself. But a few nights later we were again enjoying each other and he did the same thing and said he wanted to watch me. So I just kind of took over and before long I had even inserted a finger. All this with him watching. He then went back down on me and it was such a great feeling. Just having him watch was erotic, but then having him finish me off was a way to complete it. I still have to really be turned on to do this, but enjoy the added feeling it has given me during our sex sessions. It has also freed me up to a little self pleasuring to help me learn a little more what really works for me. I have also asked him for some demonstration which was fun to watch. We will need to pursue this some more.
ReplyDeleteSelf love eh? Perusing through your blog and have to say this is a new idea to me because, well you know, good girls aren't supposed do that!!! J/K
ReplyDeleteSo supposing you had a friend that was very sheltered and didn't know how to do this > ME! < and feels a little embarrassed and clueless about it, what do you think your "friend" should do to learn how to do this and feel comfortable about doing it? I know, boring lame friend huh!?
P.S. I'm a newly wed and don't think I've had an orgasm yet :(
I've been following your advice for years ; ) But I'm shy about telling my husband. Do you think that matters? This story describes my self loving situation in a nutshell -
ReplyDeletewww.adventuresinmarriedsex.blogspot.com/2010/08/wow.html
PS I found your blog through this one and housewifeblogger. Your blogs are awesome!
Honesty is so important in a marriage- especially during intimacy. You've GOT to let your man know what he or you can do to help you climax. I used to only be able to climax if my clitoris had direct contact along with sex. But the only way this could happen was missionary position which can get boring. So we would do it doggie-style and I would rub myself (or sometimes he would- which is a little difficult-it's easier and feels better to do the job yourself sometimes). If you're too shy to talk to him, just initiate the doggie position and start gently rubbing your clit in circular motion. You don't have to talk, just do! It keeps it alive to mix it up a little. Now, somehow- 3 kids later, I can climax by just the penetration of him inside me. I love it. Or both is EVEN better! We don't let the kids stop us from maintaining a healthy sex life. It's important for both people to climax because then you crave eachother more, then you just feel closer, and that spark remains. I LOVE being married!!! Can make love whenever I want! (when the kids are occupied :)
ReplyDeleteSex (including your climax) is JUST as important in a marriage as putting on makeup.
PS. My man thinks it's sexier when he's getting me off. He feels good knowing that he's making me feel good. It's a win win situation. MOST men feel this way!
I read this interesting factoid on another blog like yours.
ReplyDelete"Women with orgasmic disorders are LESS likely to be educated about sex (as well as less comfortable in communicating their desire for clitoral stimulation to their partners,and more likely to have negative attitudes about masturbation)"
And there was a question a commenter asked that I'd like to hear your response to since this situation is like my own.
"How do you recommend overcoming negative conditioning toward masturbation so I can learn from it and enjoy it? I would like to be more comfortable with my body sexually and have an easier time orgasming with my husband."
You have no idea how good it is to read this and especially to read other people's comments. I thought I was the only one having problems with this. 2 1/2 years of marriage, and I felt like a failure as a wife because my husband and I were never "screwing like rabbits." We actually found a book called "She Comes First" and we both learned A LOT about how girls work down there. As for me masturbating, I love it as long as it's with/for him. I don't do it alone. It has completely opened both of our eyes to the possibilities in the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOUR BLOG BTW!