Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.


  1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
  2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
  3. This was one of my favorite comments:
    oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM
  4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.


  1. You have the best advice on your blog! :) I am glad I am learning all this before I get married.. I think its giving me a head start : )

  2. Three words. Hitachi. Magic. Wand. Nothing else compares. You can even order it through Amazon so a totally non-embarrassing purchase and it doesn't look like a 'toy' so if a kid finds it etc, no humiliation. Works for both her AND him.

  3. I didn't comment on the last post... in fact, it's the first time I read it. I've experienced the same thing.. been married for years and still no orgasm during intercourse. I can tell it disappoints my husband. He's even talked to a close friend about what might be wrong.. and I really think he's turned off that the only thing that works is me laying there and him doing the job.

    I always assumed when the guy stuck it in it would feel SO magical but I was sorely mistaken on my wedding night. It just hurt. Since then we've tried to pleasure me but he ends up orgasming so fast that I never get MY chance to. It makes me want to cry thinking that I'm missing out on something and I'm not connecting with him like I think I should be. I want so bad to experience that with him.

    So I guess I'm wondering... is it possible for a couple to orgasm at the same time? Or is it, your turn, my turn, kind of thing. We've always had to take turns since he sticks it in, and gets off.. and I have to rely on his touch or a vibrator. I've been doing like that since I can remember and I'm so tired of it!

  4. To answer anon. above ... I've personally never had an orgasm during intercourse. I used to have a lot of problems with pain during intercourse, but that has resolved, and it's definitely not an unpleasant experience. The way we usually go about things, is I get my orgasm during foreplay :) And then, after I'm all relaxed and happy, intercourse is actually easier, and feels nicer. I think it's possible to orgasm at the same time, but not for everyone, and definitely not every time. I really think that's a pretty rare occurrence. There are also things that he can do to prolong his orgasm ... try reading the above mentioned books, or I also recommend a book called Sheet Music. It's good :)
    I suggest foreplay first, letting you orgasm first, and then intercourse, at least some of the time.

  5. Brilliant! The 30-day abstinence is a great idea but unless you give him some sort of release he's going to be climbing the walls, especially if you are making out with him all the time. Of course, once he's satisfied then he loses interest and the experiment will end. Okay, please, please, please don't take this the wrong way but there is such a thing as a male chastity device (belt) that you can lock him in to help him stay focused on your pleasure for the trial period. We're in the 21st century and there are lots of products like this you can use to keep the often self-destructive male libido in check in order to accomplish a higher mutual goal. I use one on my hubby all the time. He has granted me the power to choose when and how we make love and it has made worlds of difference in helping me develop my sexuality.

  6. Relationships are all about compromise. If he is able to be patient with you about not feeling comfortable about sex, then you should be willing to do something to help conquer that fear. I have numerous friends who have gone to a sex therapist for all kinds of issues and it has made the world of a difference! They all say they wish they would have done it sooner. Intimacy is something so special and necessary on so many levels. You and your husband have made a vow "for better or worse", but life is too short to live in the "worse" part. It sounds like you have a wonderful hubby who loves you no matter what, so what do you have to lose? Do this for him. You may surprise yourself. Good luck girly!

  7. Very great post! Thanks for all the good discussions!

  8. What an awesome and very true post. I just read something like this in another marriage blog. It said:

    "Self pleasuring actually increases my sex drive. For most women masturbation does not decrease desire for intercourse but rather increases it. We are not made like men and many times the more we get the more we want."

    So true. Love your blog.



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