Ask the Audience -- Fulfilling Fantasies

A bit of a conversation has started on a past post sparked by this reader's comment.

"My husband just shared his fantasy of having me lock up his manhood in a little cage. He says it's a common fantasy among guys but I've never heard of it. I asked him why he wants me to do this and he said he thought it would be sexy to let me be in control of his sexuality and decide when he was let out. To force a win I said, "Yeah? And what if I don't let you out for a week!?" He said, "That would be your decision... but a lot of women keep their men locked up for much longer than that."

Another reader responded:

"It started in the bdsm community but has broken out and is becoming a popular mainstream activity. I first heard about it on fmh of all places. A girl at my work practices it with her hubby. She wears a clasp on her necklaces that dangles a little silver key on the back of her neck. When I asked her what the key was for she said 'you don't wanna know.' I said I did and she told me it was the key to her hubby's chastity tube (exact words). I was blushing so much I almost tripped on myself getting out of there. I have to admit it made me curious."

I'd love to see the conversation continue if any of you have tried this or have a husband interested in trying this out.

It can be such a great experience to share fantasies with each other. It shows you can be vulnerable with each other. Listen to each other's fantasies and why they're interested if you don't quite understand and see if you can fulfill any of them. Even if you can't fulfill them, it's still a very connecting experience to share them with each other.

If you don't have anything to add to this particular conversation topic, maybe share a fantasy you have talked about or fulfilled with your spouse.

Ask the Audience: Sensate Focus

A few women are having trouble convincing their men to try the sensate focus challenge with them.

Have any of you talked your partners into trying sensate focus with you? What's worked?

Ask the Audience #4: Sex After Baby

From a reader:

My husband and I have been married for 4 years in March. Sex was pretty good at first. At least, I was comfortable with it emotionally/mentally. Although it was pretty painful for a month or 2 (we were both virgins), the pain went away and we had sex 3-4 times a week. I don't experience orgasm easy but we've figured out how to make that happen too. After we'd been married almost 2 years, I got pregnant. I had zero sex drive throughout the whole pregnancy and even now that our baby is 15 months old, I still don't have one. At least, I don't think I do? I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of it but I feel like its all in my head because I have sex dreams that make me horny or thoughts of wanting to dress up for my husband or buy a new toy, but then when I think about coming to the actual sex part, I get uncomfortable. I even avoid kissing my husband because of what it might lead to. For awhile after having my daughter I thought maybe my hormones just needed to get back to normal, but, now its been over a year and its still the same. I feel like now, I finally get more of a sex drive when I'm ovulating and we have sex a couple times then but once that time of the month is over, I have no desire again. So, I guess what I can't figure out is if this is a low libido that needs to be treated with a supplement or something... or if its emotional for some reason because I feel like I am in the mood but I can't get comfortable with the idea mentally?? I really want to get this figured out! Please help! :(

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Babies are wonderful, fabulous, and rewarding additions to marriage. They bring warm cuddles, heart-melting coos, and change. Lots and lots of change. The dynamics of every marriage change, to some extent, after baby. Your hormones are all over the place and your self identity is confused. You are now someones mom. Life becomes a balancing act between your role as parents and your role as lovers. Unfortunately, the baby doesn't understand that you play two roles.

The problems you have listed (zero sex drive, uncomfortable with the idea of sex, avoiding sex and even avoiding kissing) are all very common issues after having a baby. You have been through a positive experience, but it's also been extremely traumatizing. Since a woman's vagina is used for intimacy as well as childbirth, many women relate sex with the pain of childbirth and the recovery period thereafter. Women often become confused. Breasts, that were once used in intimacy, are now used for sometimes painful breast feeding. How does a woman switch from
"my body is a nurturing tool used to create and provide life" to "I am a sexy, hot woman who wants to feel and offer pleasure?" Confusing.

So, what's to be done? Recognizing the problem is a great start, but we need to fix it. First, give yourself time to heal. You're allowed that. Next, I would suggest either determining for yourself or sitting down with your husband and saying something like, "You've probably noticed that our sex life hasn't been as rockin' hot as it used to be before the baby was born. But don't worry... I have a plan! I am going to initiate sex or some kind of sexual encounter everyday for as long as it takes until we are rolling around in the sheets more enthusiastically than we were on our honeymoon."

Lofty goal? Maybe. But it's effective. This goal puts the control back in your hands. Since you will be the one initiating sex, there will be no need to be afraid of him hitting on you. You will be choosing to kiss him. In your life right now, you have no control of your sleep schedule, your child, or your milk. But your sex life? You have control of that! With a new baby in the mix, you need to be bonded to your man now more than ever. Take charge and change your attitude. If you change your mindset, your body will follow.

Committing to initiate sex everyday is a great goal whether you are a new parent or not. Will you give it a try? It will change your life, I promise.

Do you have any suggestions for this new mom? What has worked for you?

Ask the Audience #3: Male Sexual Dysfunction

From a reader:

I have a problem that I think would be opposite of most women.

My husband is not into sex -- at all. I thought I would be the one having to tell him no but I've been rejected so many times I've lost count. I've pretty much given up. We have sex maybe once a month -- maybe less. And basically we have it when he is in the mood -- which is usually in the middle of the night. Maybe he has dreams occasionally that turn him on?

Our sex life was pretty good until about a year and a half after we were married. Then he came down with a chronic illness. Plus he works 2 full time jobs and is involved in church and other community activities. He's so tired, in pain, and stressed most of the time. He just doesn't have the time or the interest. I'm guessing the medication he is on has lowered is sex drive.

Is there any hope? I want it so bad! He doesn't really like talking about it. And I'm the most unsexy woman in the world. What can I do to help spark his interest??

Culturally, we're programmed to think that men are always ready to go sexually, and that it's always the women who want to forgo sex. However, this article estimates that 20-25% of men suffer from low sexual desire and hypothesizes about some possible causes. Erectile dysfunction (ED) can also inhibit a couple's sex life. Low desire can be the cause of ED, or ED can result in low desire -- it's the whole chicken and the egg conundrum. You can read about erectile dysfunction here and here.

Our sexual relationship, just like any other aspect of a relationship, evolves and changes over time. There can be bumps in the road as we work to improve this part of our relationship. Sexual hurdles are bound to come and go.

What are your loving ideas to help this couple through this difficult time?

Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.

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1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
3. This was one of my favorite comments:

   oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM

4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.
   
   

Ask the Audience #1: Four Years of Marriage and I've Never Had an Enjoyable Sexual Experience

I frequently receive emails and comments seeking advice about various sexual issues. It's apparent from the comments that many of you, dear readers, have experience and insight that could help those trying to improve their sexual selves. So I've created a new series called "Ask the Audience" and I'm turning to you to offer the best solutions you have to the problems we'll discuss. Here's contestant number one:

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When my husband and I were engaged, I could hardly wait to be married to him and have our wedding night. As the big day approached, however, I became more and more nervous. I convinced him that night after our wedding to please wait until we were away and on our honeymoon. I'd gone from excited about giving myself completely to my husband, to nearly scared to death of it. I tried to push that fear out of my mind once we were on the honeymoon, but I couldn't make myself relax. I don't think we actually made love until the second or third night after our wedding, and I don't think I've ever hurt someone so much as I hurt my husband during that time.

Ever since the honeymoon I have been very nervous about making love with my husband. Once we start, I'm okay; there's no real pain or anything. I guess it's just the anticipation that makes me anxious. Sex has never done anything for me, and I'm pretty much only doing it for him now. The problem is, since it doesn't do anything for me, I don't think about it and forget how important it is to him. He's a much better man than I deserve - he's very patient and knows that I struggle with this, and he doesn't want to pressure me, so we don't do it nearly as often as we should. We've only been married 4 years and I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. In fact, sometimes at night when we're not really doing anything, he will just touch me (kind of caressing my back, arms, shoulders or legs). But if his hand goes below my belly button, I start to panic (inwardly). I hate this because I know it's hurting him, but I don't know how to get over it. It's a really difficult thing to know that you're missing out on such a wonderful experience and you feel like everyone in the world can enjoy it but you.

I'm not sure how to know when or if I have achieved orgasm, because I'm not certain of how that actually feels. People have said that you WILL KNOW when it happens, but I'm just not sure. I've had *something* but not sure if it was orgasm, and unfortunately it hasn't happened *with* my husband yet.

This story is similar to many questions I've received. Please share your ideas, experiences, and detailed suggestions in the comments. All ideas and points of view are welcome. As always, you can comment anonymously if you prefer.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

*Please note, I always encourage those dealing with serious or persistent problems to seek medical or professional help. The discussions on this blog aren't meant to be a substitute where professional help is needed.