A Thankful Thanksgiving

Did you have a fabulous Thanksgiving? I certainly did. We tried to put aside emails, shopping, work, and computers and focus on that which matters most -- each other. It was a refreshing and beautiful week. Hopefully you didn't feel too neglected because you were enjoying your sweetheart as much as I was mine.

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For many couples, the holidays become more a point of stress in their marriage than unity. When the craziness of baking and shopping becomes too much in our marriage, we try to cut things out. Eliminate the good but less important pieces of life. The toilets can wait to be scrubbed and the neighbors will survive if they don't receive a gift this year. What really matters are the moments and memories you create with those dearest and nearest to you.

How do you and your honey overcome the pressure and stress of the holidays?

Cyber Monday For Lovers

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How We Met

Have you noticed when you ask a couple about how they met or the beginning of their courtship they light up like a Christmas tree? Reminiscing about how you met can be a great bonding activity for you and your spouse. You'll feel as giddy as the day you fell in love.

Try recording your "How We Met" story so you'll remember the magic for years to come! Share your clip with Gwen in Love readers by emailing it to me, gwenisinlove {at}
gmail {dot} com.

A few guidelines:

• Submissions should be between 25-45 seconds
• The subject line should include your names (When William Met Annie)
• If you have a blog you would like me to link to, please include it in your email
• Please try to follow the "When Harry Met Sally" format as closely as possible
• Please don't ad any extra editing effects to your video (captions or fairy dust)

When Harry Met Sally Week from Gwen In Love on Vimeo.

Staying in Love

Do you remember your first hug with your spouse? Your first time holding hands? Your first kiss? Was it exciting? How do we keep those feelings strong as we go through the stresses of aging and raising children? How do we create a love and marriage that endures?

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Regular, consistent bonding behaviors -- that I talked about in my last post -- can re-sensitize our brains and bodies to feel the excitement and thrill we felt when we first met our spouses. We can become even more receptive over time to subtle bonding cues, like cuddling and kissing, if we make an effort to perform them unselfishly and frequently. The author, Marnia Robinson, from psychologytoday.com explains:

There are some curious aspects to bonding behaviors. First, in order to sustain the sparkle in a relationship these behaviors need to occur daily, or almost daily. Second, they need not occur for long, or be particularly effortful, but they must be genuinely selfless. Even holding each other in stillness at the end of a long, busy day can be enough to exchange the subconscious signals that your relationship is rewarding. Third, there's evidence that the more you use bonding behaviors, the more sensitive your brain becomes to the neurochemicals that help you feel relaxed and loving. (In contrast, intense stimulation sometimes causes tolerance to build up.)

Marnia Robinson, The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Robinson's article relates some experiences of her readers. These two experiences from couples who have been married for several years illustrate this bonding principle perfectly. The first is an experience told by the author's friend:

Though it was after 11 PM, we cuddled. For about two hours. Ecstatic cuddling. I had experiences last night that I do not have immediate words for. Rich, deep, full. Subtle. Powerful. Moving. Meaningful. Pointing to greater connection with all life. We were in connection. In the same wave, as she put it, like a flock of birds wheeling in the sky as if with one mind.

The next experience was from a husband who experienced this same fulfillment from bonding closer to his wife:

My wife and I just had guests for three weeks, and kissing, cuddling, complimenting each other, making love, etc, took a back seat. Now, it's like we're partial strangers. . . [I]t's become clear to me that 'going off' one another is the result, rather than the cause, of a dearth of cuddling.

Lack of cuddling eventually leads to lack of desire to cuddle, whether through laziness, habit, resentment or indifference. Cuddling (all bonding behaviours included) causes the desire for more cuddles. It is a beneficent biofeedback machine, just as the absence of bonding behaviours seems to be the opposite. Everyone will be familiar with young lovers not seeming able to get near enough to each other. Well, we've experienced the same, repeatedly, as a result of initially scheduling bonding behaviour and watching it snowball.

If serial cuddling doesn't come naturally (i.e., a couple isn't an inseparable pair of young lovers) it seems absolutely critical to schedule bonding behaviours. It's as critical as an exercise regime, should a person have decided they like the outcome of exercise. In this case, assuming a couple likes the idea of feeling as close and as in love as parent and child or star crossed teenagers, time and effort have to be employed.

Actually, it's hardly any effort at all. The effort is in remembering to do it, and in overcoming any underlying resentment that might make that 'remembering' more difficult. Initially, the bonding behaviour need only be one activity a day; and that activity needn't last longer than a minute, though it could, of course, last a lot longer. I think it needs to last at least as long as a minute, as, in our experience, that's enough to start the snowballing effect. Bonding behaviours then become automatic and seem to replicate themselves in abundance. It's not so much that they become a habit, like brushing teeth; they are more like a drink that we develop a liking, and then a recurring thirst, for, not because of the obvious beneficial effect, both short and long term, but because the taste becomes inherently irresistible.

What do you think? Do you think it's possible to maintain the love spark forever?

Expressing Love Through Touch

All human beings are deserving of love and physical affection. We long for it. We search for it. We need it. This is a significant factor in our decision to be married. We need to be shown love. Scientists and researchers, however, have not always viewed this to be true.

"Hard as it is to believe, during the early Twentieth Century, a whole school of mental health professionals decided that unconditional love was a terrible thing to give a child. The government printed pamphlets warning mothers against the dangers of holding their kids. The head of the American Psychological Association and even a mothers' organization endorsed the position that mothers were dangerous—until psychologist Harry Harlow set out to prove them wrong, through a series of experiments with monkeys." Host Ira Glass talks with Deborah Blum, author of Love At Goon Park : Harry Harlow and the Science of Affection

Listen to the first ten our so minutes to this fascinating interview about an experiment in love: (If this doesn't show up in your reader, try coming by GweninLove.com to listen.)

If children need this show of physical affection so dearly, don't we, merely over-sized children, need this same connection? By offering this gift to your spouse you will be filling his need and desire for true love and bonding.

Here is a list of ideas on how to express love for your spouse through touch from author Marnia Robinson:

· smiling, with eye contact

· skin-to-skin contact

· providing a service or treat without being asked

· giving unsolicited approval, via smiles or compliments

· gazing into each other's eyes

· listening intently, and restating what you hear

· forgiving or overlooking an error or thoughtless remark, past or present

· preparing your partner something to eat

· synchronized breathing

· kissing with lips and tongues

· cradling, or gently rocking, your partner's head and torso (works well on a couch, or with lots of pillows)

· holding, or spooning, each other in stillness

· wordless sounds of contentment and pleasure

· stroking with intent to comfort

· massaging with intent to comfort, especially feet, shoulders and head

· hugging with intent to comfort

· lying with your ear over your partner's heart and listening to the heart beat

· touching and sucking of nipples/breasts

· gently placing your palm over your lover's genitals with intent to comfort rather than arouse

· making time together at bedtime a priority

· gentle intercourse

Try implementing these ideas throughout the day and you will quickly feel more bonded with your spouse.

When Harry Met Sally Week -- #2

I love the wife in this When Harry Met Sally clip. You can only imagine what life has been like for this couple.