Overcoming Painful Sex: A Reader Experience

Here's an experience that a reader emailed me hoping it could help others who may be dealing with similar issues.


For me, sex, was pain. It was physically impossible for me to get him inside me at all. I've been married a little over two years and had sex for the first time 8 months ago!! Yikesabee right?! I was in a world of confusion, pain, and shame. No one ever mentioned to me that there was a possibility that I would not be able to have sex, so I was like....what's wrong with me?!! Unfortunately, even though my mother is AMAZING, I felt even more depressed after speaking to her about the problem. She told me to just "tough it out" and treated me like I was purposefully withholding sex and being immature. Most of my friends got married around the time I did and I remember one of my friends telling me that on her honeymoon her and husband got bored of having sex so much. I could have screamed. I felt completely alone.

(I should note immediately that my husband was/is the most incredibly patient, gentle, loving man in the world. He never made me feel abandoned or broken, but I felt broken compared to everyone else, so, the struggle felt solitary.)

After many months of excruciatingly painful sexual attempts, usually ending in tears (imagine what that did for our minds, hearts, and libido) I began to research. Surely I wasn't the only one in the universe with a problem like this. I went to my gyno but she was extremely unhelpful and acted like my problem was irrelevant to her. So I found myself a new Dr. That helped, but only a bit. She was a bit stumped as I had never had previous sexual experience, been the victim of a sexual attack, or raised to think sex was impure. I looked online and discovered that my condition was called "vaginismus." I found a site that sold kits to help treat it, and there were a lot of web discussions from people with my same issue, or ones very similar! Hallelujah! I was not alone! I ordered the kit and my husband and I read the book that came with it and attempted the treatment, but honestly, it did nothing for me, and I soon gave it up.

Now I felt like a failure again. I wasn't even working on my condition with the tools I had purchased! Was I the laziest person on Earth?! No. Didn't I want to have an amazing sex life??! Yes!! And that's when it came to me (and when I say "came to me" I don't mean that it came completely out of the blue out of my own wisdom; there were many, many hours of prayer and fasting that I connect with this epiphany and I do not claim any credit that belongs to Him).

What did I want? Sex? Sort of. Too me, at this point, sex=pain. What I really wanted was pleasure. I wanted to be pleasured. I had found sufficient ways to pleasure my husband, and he had been doing everything to "get" me but I realized I was always so stressed out because I knew eventually I would have to try sex. And I would fail. Thus I never felt very pleasured. So. I decided, screw sex. Screw it! I was going to get mine!

And that's what my husband and I did. For months. It required quite a bit of time after fooling around, to take deep breaths and push my stresses away, and then we would begin pleasuring me. This was achieved almost completely by my bff, vibrator. Ladies, if you do not have a vibrator, you must have super orgasm power, because I learned real fast, that was my ticket to success. (Gwen has great posts about this and discusses why this works so well, read them!)

Anyhow, once my brain was trained to enjoy pleasure from my husband, we introduced "the main guy" to the proceedings. He mostly just hung back and didn't do much, but eventually we just concentrated on keeping him near the base of my vagina, and then slowly, over weeks and weeks, worked him further and further in. My brain, and vagina, learned that even when he is around, pleasure doth still abound. And in fact, pretty soon, he was giving me a lot of pleasure on his own. Then one day, after all our hard work building up to it (breathing deep, clearing my mind, vibrating for the life of me) he was in! And it was a miracle! We rejoiced exceedingly!

I gave myself about a week and a half before I agreed to try again (not wanting to give myself too much pressure to perform, for I learned that pressure is a sex stopper). We did it again! And again! Until now, I can get him in fairly quickly, ya know, for me. We are insanely grateful!! I feel like so many people take sex for granted. I even assumed when I first got married that sex was just part of the package deal. Oh boy was I wrong, right? But my husband and I appreciate being able to have sex together more than almost all the couples we know. We worked our tails off for it and we treasure the fruits of our labor.

Since then, I have spoken with many girls about this issue because I don't want anyone to ever feel as alone as I felt or to have to taste of that despair. As it turns out, no one has a perfect sex life like I had originally assumed, go figure. We can all work to be better, more giving, and most importantly, open to pleasure. I am so thrilled about Gwen in Love because she is open and excited about sex! I do not believe that there is anything to be gained by keeping silent on this topic, especially after my experience. Let's enjoy the blessing we've been given to experience and give pleasure and never take it for granted!


  1. I completely agree that sex is something that needs to be discussed more openly and candidly then it generally is, I was lucky that I had a mom that was very open about it and so I was prepared for the real possibility of pain, and boy was it ever for the first two months of our marriage, but being prepared is half the battle and loving supportive people around you is the other half.

    I am so sorry that you had to go through it with so little help, support and information from the people you would think would have been the best to go to for help but at least you can use this experience to help others and now you and your DH are enjoying the blessings that come with a great sex life.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  2. Great posts! I have heard and read about this a lot lately! Its great that you featured it! The reader/writer did a great job of telling her story!

  3. This sounds SO MUCH like my own story ... I wish information and support were more readily available so women who do struggle with this wouldn't feel so alone :(

  4. When I was born I didn't have a vaginal opening. Weird, I know, but come to find out, neither did both of my sisters. But I was the first girl in my family so the doctors said that I needed surgery to open it up. I had everything and nothing was wrong or missing, I just didn't have an opening. So I went into surgery and afterwards it kept healing shut so they told my mom that she would have to rip it open every diaper change and put the medicine on it. Well, that didn't last long because how hard would it be for a mother to do that to her little girl? So the doctors said to just forget it and hope that it opens on its own when I go through puberty. It did and everything turned out fine. But when I got engaged I was worried that I wasn't going to be big enough for my husband because even using super tampons was pretty uncomfortable. My OB/GYN expressed that concern too. So he gave me a really large/wide syringe (I guess that's what it was) and told me to use it to stretch out. He said to stretch it out enough to where it would hurt but not tear or anything. Wedding night came and it hurt but at least he could get inside me. It took a little bit to get to the point where it wouldn't hurt at all and we didn't have to use and lubricant. And then we had to deal with about 6 months with yeast infection after yeast infection but I think that it would've been a lot harder to get to the point of enjoyment if I hadn't done any stretching!

  5. I had a similar experience as well, though not quite as bad. I found that even after sex my insides were burning. I went to the doctor and found out that I had a tear and during the first year and half I continued to tear often and it always hurt so bad.

    After much searching and asking for help my mom gave me the best advice. Just relax. If I relaxed my body and didn't convince myself it was going to hurt then it didn't. However, stinging did occur and after a great suggestion from my friend to switch lubricants there was no more pain. Apparently something about the lubricant I was using made it hurt.

    Just thought I would share in case anyone else had similar problems. Just a few things they could try. :)

  6. Thanks for sharing your story!! I have a friend who struggled with this-I am not sure it was the same issue because she actually had to have surgery and go on some sort of meds, but it was really hard for her. I've never had an issue getting it in, but it does hurt a little every time-but just at the beginning. I've only been married 10 months, so hopefully it will stretch out! Also, I think I'm really dry-we still have to use lubricant even though I get super turned on and ready.

  7. There's a new treatment for dyspareunia to cause stem cells to generate new healthy tissue. The procedure is called o-shot which has been very effective with my patients.
    More can be seen at OShot.info
    Hope this helps.
    Charles Runels, MD

  8. Well, it only means that miracles happen to those who wait. I think it will just be more painful for both of them if they forced themselves to do it as soon as possible. This would only result to physical trauma, which might affect their emotional bond. Anyway, it pays to take things slow and enjoy every moment together. Sex is another form of communication. Both partners must be open to hear each other’s concern, so that the experience would be quite pleasurable for both parties.

    Rachael Peterson @ Sex Smart

  9. I am SO glad to have found this story! Our stories sound almost identical, except i'm right in the middle of mine. My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary a couple months ago, and we still can not have sex without pain. I talked to my OB/GYN and he is confused because he says there should be no reason for so much pain, that it's a little tight but not bad. Yet I experience excruciating pain every time we try. I am very frustrated and I feel so bad for my sweet, very patient husband. I am so grateful for your advice! Hoping that it can work for me as well.

  10. I was married 23 years to a woman that couldn't have intercourse due to vaginismus. While I remained supporting she became bitter. Divorce rates in marriages that experience painfull intercourse is 90%. We slept in separate beds for 19 years. I found myself more alone in her presence than I ever felt in solitude.

    I commend those ladies that work hard in overcoming vaginismus as it is a marriage killer. Unfortunately 90% of the women affected soon view even the most patient & supporting of husbands with hate. It really isn't hard to understand the psychology of pain. If it hurts you quickly lose enthusiasm & motivation to engage in all intimacy.

    From a man's point of view in a vaginismus afflicted relationship, I would never enter into that type of a relationship again. I want to be loved, not despised.

  11. Did you know you can create short links with AdFly and make money for every visitor to your shortened urls.



Related Posts with Thumbnails