Sensate Focus Challenge

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Sensate focus is a set of exercises created to help couples improve their focus on the senses during intimacy. Master's and Johnson, sex researchers, created this term and came up with various exercises for individuals and couples to do to create self and other awareness during intimacy. The purpose of sensate focus exercises is to realize that orgasm is not the main goal of sex, but, rather, for each individual to focus on their own sensations and learn about their partner to become fully be engaged in the intimacy that comes during intercourse.

Sensate focus is one of the most commonly used exercises in sex therapy, but could be beneficial to almost any couple. I have seen these exercises improve relationships in those who claim they already have an amazing sex life, those struggling with sexual dysfunction and those who have a past history of sexual abuse. Over the course of the various levels, partners are able to tune in to their own bodies as well as their partner's and make sex more relaxing, fun and enjoyable.

There are 5 basic levels of sensate focus proposed by Master's and Johnson: (1) nondemand touching and caressing without the breasts, (2) caressing including breasts but excluding genitals, (3) caressing including genitals, (4) penis in the vagina, and (5) intercourse excluding orgasm.

There are a few rules for the Sensate Focus Challenge:
1- Do not move until the next level until both individuals express they are comfortable with the current level.
This is usually where a good therapist gets involved and can check in with each partner. Make sure you are being completely honest with each other about your comfort level. This could take a matter of days or weeks or months. Definitely take your time. Enjoy the experience together!

2- Do not have intercourse until after completing Level 4.
I know what you are thinking. That's just crazy. How could it improve my sex life to not have sex?! But, trust me, it will. I've seen some couples that claim they just "have to have sex" throughout the whole thing, but they really don't get much out of the experience. It's worth it to go a few days or weeks without sex for improved intimacy. Talk to your partner and get him in on the plan.

I will post the assignment for each level every few days. Remember to follow the rules. Go at your own pace. Relax. Enjoy.

Here's the first assignment:

LEVEL 1: Nondemand Touching and Caressing

The first level is for you and your partner to practice nondemand touch for at least 30 minutes (15 minutes each) once a day. (You can modify this if needed. That's just my recommendation.) No genital or breast touching.

Maybe, start with your partners hands. Gently rub your finger over the back of their hand. What do you notice? Is it bumpy, smooth, dry? What does your partner notice? Is he/she pressing hard, soft, moving in a certain way? Gradually move up the arm asking yourself and your partner the same kind of questions. Touch the legs, The Face. Ears. Neck. Back.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 2

Somebody asked how long it takes to see benefits from practicing sensate focus.

The key is to only move on to the next level once both partner's feel full comfortable and have discovered what feels best for them and their partner. I recommend at least a couple days at each level for you and your partner to fully reap at least some great benefits. You need to learn how to cue in to your own body and what feels good, but you should also be paying attention to your partner. It can also be beneficial to practice sensate focus (or at least nondemand touch) every once and a while for a day or two throughout the course of your relationship.

Level 2: Nondemand Touching and Caressing Including Breasts

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 1. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 2.

Level 2 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts. Which areas of the breast are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused? Do you find that you enjoy nondemand intimacy? Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How’s it going so far? Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Sensate Focus Challenge: Level 3

A few have asked for tips to improve their sex drive. Try sensate focus for a bit and I'll do a follow up post to answer this question more in detail. Sensate focus generally has a 75% success rate for increasing desire so give it a try.

Level 3: Nondemand Touch Including Breasts and Genitals

Check in with your partner regarding each other’s level of comfort with Level 2. Talk to each other. Did you learn anything new? What was it like to give feedback to your partner and tell them what your preferences were with how they touched you? What was it like to tune in to your partner’s body language and sense what they wanted? What was it like to have gentle touch without expecting intercourse? Is it safe to talk about touch? Are you anxious while discussing these exercises with your partner? Once you have discussed your experience and both express comfort, you are ready for Level 3.

Level 3 of sensate focus includes more nondemand touching and caressing except now you may include breasts and genitals. Which areas are more sensitive than others? Do you find you are aroused with some kinds of touch but not others? Do you like oral or manual stimulation more? Do you find yourself tensing at any point? When? Is it easy for you to stay relaxed? Is it okay for your partner to just directly touch genitals or do you prefer touch in other ares first? You have a few choices here. You could explore by stimulating close to orgasm to figure out what is arousing for your partner. (If you want to veer a bit, you could stimulate to orgasm. If you’re experiencing any anxiety or nervousness or tenseness then do not include orgasm. Remember, orgasm is not the goal. These exercises are to increase sensitivity and intimacy.) Find out what you like and don’t like and help your partner to understand. The relationship has to be safe for this to be effective. Be open, honest and loving.

Possible Modifications (Bonus Points):
Don't talk to each other. Cue in to each other's body language to see what each partner enjoys.
Turn out the lights or close your eyes.
Engage other senses. Light a candle. Face each other. Wear perfume. Leave the lights on.
Focus on one body area each day.
Spend an hour giving each other massages
Tell your partner what you like in their touch.
Grab his/her hand and guide them instead of just telling them.

How's it going? Do you find that you are having a hard time staying tuned in? Is it difficult to do nondemand touch without intercourse?

Ask the Audience: Sensate Focus

A few women are having trouble convincing their men to try the sensate focus challenge with them.

Have any of you talked your partners into trying sensate focus with you? What's worked?

Sensate Focus Follow Up

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I'm curious to hear how The Sensate Focus Challenge went.

What went well? What didn't?

Did you and your partner learn anything new?

Were there difficulties? Why do you think?

Did you like it? Did it benefit your relationship?

Any tips or advice you'd give others doing this challenge?

As always, feel free to ask questions or make suggestions for future posts.