Ask the Audience: Sensate Focus

A few women are having trouble convincing their men to try the sensate focus challenge with them.

Have any of you talked your partners into trying sensate focus with you? What's worked?


  1. What about sharing how sex (and the wife's desire for their husband) should improve after embarking on this? I haven't personally done sensate focus yet, but I can imagine the men may need a little help seeing the value of abstaining from sex that long (and not only that but working hard to be intimate and close without sex - I think that's probably a lot harder for guys than it is for ladies). Perhaps, the woman can share how she really does want sex (and even better sex than they have now) and this is something that will not only help her immensely, but as it helps her, it will help him too. Increased desire, more satisfying sex for both of them, and more passion will probably be the results (and that's something the guys want too).

  2. The purpose of the sensate focus excercises is to help couples better communicate what their likes (desires) are. It helps the woman (or man) who has a hard time telling their partner what they want. The excercises put the receiver in control of directing their partner. They may say "massage my feet", or "massage my breasts, but don't touch the nipples", or "lightly stroke my legs, I like the feeling of being tickled down there."

    When it comes to touching the erogenous zones, it is hard for many women to tell their husbands that they want them to be touched a certain way, because they don't want to come across like they are being critical of their technique.

    By having the receiver give specific instructions, the giver can learn, in an non threatening way, what their partner likes. This is especially helpful for foreplay, which most women need more of, and a more effecient giver. :)

    Also, we have found that for a lower desire spouse, these excercises have created the desire, which becomes even stronger as we practiced the first few stages. I (the lower desire spouse) couldn't wait for the next phase, when we could have sex!



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