"My hubby and I have a great marriage but I don't feel like I will ever be able to orgasm during intercourse. Often times when I feel like it is hitting just the right spot my husband finishes before I can enjoy it.
I know he feels bad about it but he can't help it. I can't help but feel like I don't even have enough time to learn what feels good during sex or experiment if penetration only lasts a short while."
I'm so grateful that you'd reach out to get some advice and support. This shows a lot of strength and patience on your end which I'm sure is so great within your relationship. It can be so hard to continually try to enjoy sex, but also know that it could be better. This sounds what's happening could be premature ejaculation.
Symptoms of premature ejaculation could include the following:
- The primary sign of premature ejaculation is ejaculation that occurs before both partners wish, causing concern or stress
- Ejaculation that always or nearly always occurs within one minute of vaginal penetration
- The inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations
- Negative personal consequences, such as stress, frustration or the avoidance of sexual intimacy
As a side note, the average time from the beginning of intercourse to ejaculation is generally about 5-10 minutes.
Like I've mentioned before, it's generally best to match treatment with the cause. If it's a psychological cause, try a psychological treatment. In cases with sexual dysfunction it's also beneficial to work on biological aspects as well.
- Situations in which you may have hurried to reach climax in order to avoid being discovered
- Guilty feelings that increase your tendency to rush through sexual encounters
- Abnormal hormone levels
- Abnormal levels of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters
- Abnormal reflex activity of the ejaculatory system
- Certain thyroid problems
- Inflammation and infection of the prostate or urethra
- Inherited traits
Read more about other possible causes here.
The squeeze technique is a very common and successful way of treating premature ejaculation.
Step 1. Begin sexual activity as usual, including stimulation of the penis, until he feels almost ready to ejaculate. You need to make sure you're communicating. If he's not sure when he's on the verge of orgasm have him start with tracking what that feels like.
Step 2. As the partner, squeeze the end of the penis, at the point where the head (glans) joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze for several seconds, until the urge to ejaculate passes. Either he or you can do this. It's best to move to having the partner do it.
Step 3. After the squeeze is released, wait for about 30 seconds, then go back to foreplay. You may notice that squeezing the penis causes it to become less erect, but when sexual stimulation is resumed, it soon regains full erection.
Step 4. If you again feel you're about to ejaculate, have your partner repeat the squeeze process.
After a few practice sessions, the feeling of knowing how to delay ejaculation may become a habit that no longer requires the squeeze technique.
Another way of trying to delay ejaculation is the start and stop method. In your situation, it sounds like penetration is possible so it may be good to stop and have him pull out when he feels like he's reached the point of no return. Then, wait a bit and then try again a few times.
If your husband talks to you about the experience, listen and empathize with him and let him know that you are willing to be patient and still enjoy sex. You can also tell him that there's hope and treatment is possible. If none of the above suggested treatments work, it may be good to go and talk to the doctor. There are many anesthetic creams and even medications that can help. I've heard that avoiding sex for a while helps some not ejaculate quickly when they come together again and others try to have sex frequently (once or more a day) and that helps them- it just depends on what works best for each couple. Other things to try may include having him try to get you to orgasm at least once before penetration and then having you about ready to go once he's ready to penetrate by using manual stimulation.
I'd love to hear a follow up on how things go. I wish you the best of luck!
Any other readers out there have experience and/or suggestions for premature ejaculation?