A while ago I wrote a blog post called, Marriage Isn't. The post says, "Marriage isn't finding the right person, it's being the right person."

I received this comment the other day and felt compelled to post about it.

Anonymous said...
So what if you discover after marriage that you are independent and he is needy and suffocating?
September 20, 2010 3:48 PM

Through this simple question, I saw a marriage in pain. I may be wrong, but I see a husband who is begging his wife to love him. I see a woman who has lost her sweetness. I predict that sexual encounters are few and far between.

For the solution I would recommend Anonymous turn back to the post; be the right person. You can only control your own response and actions. Love him. Love him in word. Compliment him. Make him feel like a man. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Love him in action. Don't turn cold when circumstances may lead to sex. Choose to humble yourself. Let your 'independent' guard down. If he is acting needy then he must need something and that something is probably love. What better way is there to show love than by marital intimacy?

Independence is a highly admirable trait. I believe every woman should be strong and self sufficient. But marriage is about interdependence, two or more people or things dependent on each other (not to be mistaken for being needy.)

Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.

We must learn to look to ourselves for change. I encourage you to discuss this concept with your husband. Tell him that you have decided to look at your own actions for fault and change in times of contention or frustration. Then, do it. Remember that you are a team. You are on the same side.


  1. such wise advise... thanks for sharing doll!

  2. I am not married, I'm not even in a relationship right now but oh how I love reading your advises. I think they will be helpful when Mr.right makes his magical appearance.

    Thanks for sharing.

  3. Kudos from a divorced guy

  4. Amazing advice... and soooooo true! It pays to remind yourself every once in a while that you really are on the same team. It's easy to forget sometimes :)

  5. I hope it all works out for Anonymous. It's not always easy... but when it works, it's almost always worth the struggle.

  6. I like this advice. Learn to love the needy!

  7. I call it being independantly dependant. That is marriage to me. Being myself while being in love and supported by a wonderful man. and I hope he feels I always do the same for him. Without his help and love I couldn;t reach the goals I need to reach independant of him, so I'm independantly dependant.

  8. I think that they are both in pain and need to find a way to break through the pain to find each other again. Even when married you are still individuals. I love your advice.

  9. Superb advice. I agree.



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