Guest Post: Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

Let me start by saying that my husband and I have always had a great sex life, but along the way we’ve learned that we can always use improvement in order to make our sex life even more fun and exciting. After nearly 10 years of marriage and two kids later, I can say something that I never thought I’d say  - masturbation has greatly improved our sex life.

I must preface this by saying that masturbation is relatively new for me. I didn’t masturbate growing up, and in our early years of marriage, I didn’t give it any consideration. My husband had a regular habit of masturbating (of course!) and when we were engaged, he wanted me to get a vibrator in hopes that I would start my own habit of masturbating. So I purchased a vibrator. Not for myself but for him, and I still remember how unattractive it was. It was big, pink and just plain ugly. Needless to say its services were never put to use. 

Fast-forward a few years. After having our first child, we revisited the vibrator topic. As you know, intercourse is out of the question both physically and mentally for those first few postpartum weeks, but once the romance starts to return and the sex drive is heating back up, let’s face it, sex is still not that great. About four weeks after our first child, I was ready to go, but sex was often uncomfortable and even painful at times.

As a result, we went on the search for a new sexier vibrator, but this time it was me who wanted it; I wasn’t simply doing it for my husband. It was the best purchase we have ever made for our sex life, and it allowed me to see for the first time that sex toys can be sexy, fun, and very beneficial.

I am still not one to regularly masturbate alone, but I love doing it in conjunction with my husband. There are many occasions where neither of us feels like having sex, but the thought of only masturbating seems very appealing. No need to find the right position or worry about having enough time. It is fast, easy, and effective.

We masturbate together about twice a week, and it has improved our sex life in more ways than one. I have learned so much about my body through masturbation, including how to better use fantasy, how to have multiple orgasms, and how to better identify G-spot vs. clitoral orgasms. There is something empowering about taking my sexual needs into my own hands, literally.

As I look back, maybe I should have given that big, ugly vibrator a chance!

Check out the vibrator selection at Babeland! They even have a section for beginners! There are also some couple vibrators, mini, discreet and a whole bunch of other categories. The Hitachi Magic Wand is always a favorite as is the Siri if you need a place to start.

If you want a bit more guidance to self lovin check out this book.

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm

You’ll notice in the statistics on sexuality post that 8% of women rarely or never orgasm. This may surprise quite a few of you. I’ve heard a lot of women say that they can’t orgasm and worry that they never will. However, most of them figure it out.

I once heard a sex therapist compare an orgasm to a sneeze. That is that it varies so much from individual to individual. It varies in intensity, length, frequency etc. Don't compare yourself to others.

In order to properly treat this, first examine what you think the possible cause is. Are you stressed out? Are you on medications? Do you feel somewhere in your mind that you should not enjoy sex? Do you have a good marital relationship? Is sex painful or uncomfortable?... There are a number of factors that could contribute to lack of orgasm so just make sure you’re doing a good self-assessment. (See posts such as The Good Girl Syndrome or Hypoactive Sexual Desire and Sexual Response Cycle)

Here are some ideas:

Do sensate focus.
Have your spouse figure out what feels good for you. This is what I refer to as mutual masturbation. Communicate with him on what you like regarding pressure, speed, intensity etc. Do you enjoy manual or oral stimulation? The clitoris is the base for female orgasm. Do you know where the clitoris is located? Do you realize that it might withdraw part of the way through the SRC for some women?
If you feel comfortable masturbating, you could try it. Don't know where to start? See here. More women are successful on their own than with a partner. My personal belief is you should try with your partner to promote couple intimacy. It’s a learning process for both of you. Some women who masturbate to orgasm would rather just do it on their own than ever involve their partner. I think it’s better if the experience is shared. It's up to you.

Try different positions.
Some positions allow the clitoris to be more easily stimulated than others. Try a few. You could even have the man insert his penis slightly while also manually stimulating your clitoris. Make it a gradual process until the manual stimulation can be removed.

Create an environment to promote orgasm
If you’ve reached orgasm before, what were the circumstances? Were you in lingerie? Was it spontaneous sex? Was sex planned? Were you kid-free for the night? Were you not stressed about work, school, money etc? Just figuring it out could help. Or you could try to make circumstances similar.

Don’t focus on orgasm
Often when you are so worried about having an orgasm, you won’t orgasm. Just try to enjoy sex for a week or two without worrying about orgasm and see what happens. Focus on pleasuring your partner, connection, and closeness. See how long you can go with just foreplay.

Examine what orgasm means to you and your partner.
Do you judge a good sexual encounter by how “good” the orgasm was? How many times orgasm occurred? What about foreplay? Is sex only successful or enjoyable if orgasm is attained? Do you like to be in control and hate to lose control and orgasm? What does it mean to not orgasm? Talk about it.

Kegal Exercises
So easy to do and you can do them anywhere. Nobody will even know. Strengthening the muscles is helpful and will help give you some control.

Therapeutic Devices
Eros Clitoral Therapy Device Therapy
An Eros-CTD will increase blood flow to clitoris by acting as a vacuum

InterStim Neurostimulator
Implant that sends electrical impulses

Gwen also has some recommendations for vibrators here, here, here and here.

Military Marriages

Dear Gwen,

First let me say I ADORE your blog. My question is what is your advice for us military wives? My husband is often gone and it is very hard on the relationship. Even when he comes home it takes a lot of time to slowly get back into the swing of things and get used to eachother again. Any ideas or tips on keeping the romance going for us gals' who's hubby is gone often?

-A Military Wife

{photo credit}

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words. And more importantly, thank you for your family's sacrifice. Military families are my heroes.

I'm not sure what protocol is for the military communication, but here is one solution I thought of for you. I assume you are able to send letters to one another.

Try writing an erotic letter to your husband. Don't hold back. Tell him what turns you on and describe your fantasies in detail. It doesn't have to be wild or crazy, but it certainly can if you'd like. The letter can be as simple as describing a past sexual encounter with him. Encourage him to have an orgasm. Though you are miles or seas apart, you will be connected. Tell him to write you back quickly because you are anxious to enjoy the same experience.

Your focus will remain on each other and you will feel as though you still know each other sexually.

Let me know if you try this, how it works out for you. Was his response positive?

Ask the Audience #2: Self Lovin'

Sorry for the re-post, and to those whose comments were deleted. My first post this morning covered topics that I think would be better discussed in a post of their own. I thought it would be better to choose a more specific topic. Now to the reader's question!

Here's a question from a reader that has had a difficult time having an orgasm in her marriage, but wants to learn:

HOW does a girl go about self lovin'? It doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've tried and it didn't do much for me :(

In the book, For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality, a renowned psychiatrist and writer on female sexuality discusses how a woman's orgasm can lead to even more orgasms:

According to Mary Jane Sherfey “orgasm tends to increase pelvic vasocongestion; thus, the more orgasms achieved, the more can be achieved.” The more orgasms you have by any method—self-stimulation included—the more sexually responsive you are likely to become. The more you exercise and keep the muscles toned, the healthier and better functioning your body systems—including sexual—will become.

Masturbation is commonly recommended by therapists to help improve a low libido or a sexual dysfunction. But if you've never masturbated, it may seem awkward or uncomfortable. In fact, the poll on the sidebar shows that 29% of those who answered said either "I Wouldn't Know How" or "Eww gross! You said the 'M' word!" I receive many, many emails on this topic, so I know there are lots of girls out there that could use your advice. Fire away, audience.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

Female Sexual Dysfunction

The following table was taken from the American Family Physician article regarding Female Sexual Dysfunction. You can read more about the topic here.

Basic Treatment Strategies for Female Sexual Dysfunction

Provide education Provide information and education (e.g., about normal anatomy, sexual function, normal changes of aging, pregnancy, menopause). Provide booklets, encourage reading; discuss sexual issues when a medical condition is diagnosed, a new medication is started, and during pre- and postoperative periods; give permission for sexual experimentation. Enhance stimulation and eliminate routine Encourage use of erotic materials (videos, books); suggest masturbation to maximize familiarity with pleasurable sensations; encourage communication during sexual activity; recommend use of vibrators*; discuss varying positions, times of day or places; suggest making a "date" for sexual activity. Provide distraction techniques** Encourage erotic or nonerotic fantasy; recommend pelvic muscle contraction and relaxation (similar to Kegel exercise) exercises with intercourse; recommend use of background music, videos or television. Encourage noncoital behaviors*** Recommend sensual massage, sensate-focus exercises (sensual massage with no involvement of sexual areas, where one partner provides the massage and the receiving partner provides feedback as to what feels good; aimed to promote comfort and communication between partners); oral or noncoital stimulation, with or without orgasm. Minimize dyspareunia Superficial: female astride for control of penetration, topical lidocaine, warm baths before intercourse, biofeedback. Vaginal: same as for superficial dyspareunia but with the addition of lubricants. Deep: position changes so that force is away from pain and deep thrusts are minimized, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs before intercourse.

NOTE: For a review, see Striar S, Bartlik B. Stimulation of the libido: the use of erotica in sex therapy. Psych Annals 1999;29:60-2. *--Provide information for obtaining one discreetly. **--Helpful in eliminating anxiety, increasing relaxation and diminishing spectatoring. ***--Also helpful if partner has erectile dysfunction.

Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.

{via}

1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
3. This was one of my favorite comments:

   oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM

4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.
   
   

Sex Stoppers -- Yawn. Sex Is Boring.

Sex Stopper: "Sex is Boring. It takes so much work to get aroused, it's just not worth the effort. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I rarely even orgasm."

Anonymous said...

I have to agree 100% with Anonymous comment #1. It's just a hassle because it's not good. And I know it's one of those practice-makes-perfect ideas, but practicing isn't fun, so why would you want to practice? It was definitely more fun when it was something forbidden and exciting. Now that it's "okay" all the thrill is gone.

JUNE 21, 2010 11:04 AM

Have you ever felt this way? I know you can't see me but I'm raising my hand, high. You love your husband, so you endure. Besides, you would like to have a good sex life, but things just flatline.

Solution: Self love. Self love is, as The Housewife put it, "Figuring out what feels good for them, and learning to enjoy it by themselves, with no pressure and no judgment." Often times masturbation is seen as a dirty or bad word and act, but when used appropriately, it can be highly beneficial in the marriage bed. Many faiths, including Christianity, believe it to be an inappropriate, or even sinful, act when used outside the bonds of marriage. But what about within marriage? Self love can provide an opportunity for the wife to become in tune with her body or to learn new ways to experience orgasm.

I would recommend including your husband in the discovery process. Discuss the idea with him and see how you both feel. The idea of you pleasing yourself may be a very erotic thing for him. You may both benefit. In the book, Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self, author Sallie Folley says:

"Although masturbation implies a solitary act, it has relevance when discussing sexuality and relationships. Masturbation can be either a source of conflict and misunderstanding for a couple or a practice that enhances sexual satisfaction in a relationship."

Some thoughts:

• Remember, the goal is to bring you closer to your spouse. Keep this in mind throughout the process.
• Self love is merely a part of your sexual relationship, not a secret or separate activity.
• If you currently do this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to share it with your husband, consider taking a leap of faith and sharing this side of your sexuality. You will feel closer to him and he will think you are hot.
• Try including him by texting or calling him before, during, or after. It'll drive him wild.
• The more orgasms you have, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm.
• Soon you'll be the one begging for sex.
• Try masturbating in front of your husband.
• Another quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Comfort with your body, including your genitalia, is important in allowing you to become more responsive to sexual stimulation. Many women have been conditioned to have negative or even phobic reactions to their genitals. Familiarity, up close and personal, can help desensitize these reactions."

• One more quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Masturbation is an ideal learning environment; it provides a safe, private, relaxed opportunity for you to explore your body and how you respond to stimulation. Most men benefit from this learning opportunity during adolescence. Many women don't have this advantage. From an early age they're taught that good girls don't touch themselves "down there." Because early in life many women are told that menstruation is "the curse," their genitals become guilty by association. Contrary to popular opinion, the clitoris and vagina are not your only sex organs. Your mind and your skin, whether on your face or the soles of your feet, function as vital sex organs, capable of producing intense sexual arousal."

  Folley provides further ideas and instructions on how to masturbate in her book.

Self love can be a tool in resolving many other Sex Stoppers as well. Mental issues such as past abuse or previously painful sexual experiences can also be remedied.

Anonymous said...

My problem isn't so much the Good-Girl Syndrome as it is the Sex-Hurt-For-A-Year-And-A-Half Syndrome, and even though I fixed THAT problem, it's still hard to retrain your brain to WANT to do something that's associated with pain. (And still isn't entirely satisfying, to tell you the truth...)

Working on it.

JUNE 21, 2010 6:20 AM

Have you tried this in your marriage? Did it help improve sex with your husband? Would you dare suggest the idea to your husband?

P.S. New poll on the sidebar at the top of the poll list.