Love

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Let's have a little fun today. Complete the sentence:

Love is...

Let's hear it girls. Silly or sappy, I want 'em all.

Dressing Up the Married Way

I recently did a post about dressing sexy for a private, bedroom Halloween party. I thought I would share with you a little Q&A that transpired in the comments of that post:

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Question:

Anonymous said...

Is it possible to get more comfortable with costumes? I would love to liven things up but every time i think about a costume I laugh. Even sometimes I put on my lingeire and feel awkward. I am self confident and would love to move past this and suprise the crap out of my husband. any tips?

October 11, 2010 1:42 AM

Answer:

Anonymous said...

(To)@anon 1:42

I did the dress up thing...and basically giggled the whole time. It was insanely embarrassing but still fun. I've found the more you do it the easier it is to hold the giggles in, practice makes perfect right? But even if you cant hold back the nervous laughter, so what!? Its all about having fun sometimes silly love-making is the best :)

October 13, 2010 3:34 PM

What a perfect answer! I completely agree. Laugh. Have fun! Lighten up! Sex doesn't always have to be a serious candlelit experience. That is the WHOLE IDEA of a sexy, private-party, Halloween costume. And if it doesn't work out, you'll have fabulous memories of bunny ears and bunny tails to laugh about.

Ask the Audience #1: Follow Up

Thank you so much for all of your fabulous and insightful comments and ideas. What a great community effort. You girls are all so supportive and I appreciate so much the uplifting place we are building together. I wanted to weigh in with a few thoughts of my own.

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1. Many of you mentioned self exploration and self pleasuring. This can be an extremely useful tool. Often times, women who are struggling with sex have experienced negative thoughts for so long that they can't associate sex with pleasure. Experiencing pleasure alone can help relieve negative pressure. (This negative pressure is likely not your husband's fault. It can be rooted in many things: pain, guilt, shame, etc.)
2. The use of a vibrator or other sex toy was recommended to help get the fire roaring. For the higher-end, longer-lasting vibrators, I recommend the Lelo brand. The Siri and the Mona are two highly recommended toys. I blogged about why I like Lelo brand toys here. If you are unsure about committing to a toy or are looking for a smaller price tag, check out the selection here.
3. This was one of my favorite comments:

   oh I agree with all the above. Use toys, relax, etc. Here's an idea for a compromise: ask him to be completely intercourse abstinent with you for 30 days, but promise that every day you will have naked make-out time together. That way, you can be together intimately, but you won't have a problem relaxing because the fear of sex will be eliminated. Who knows what kind of desire that restraint could ignite for you?! And,I REALLY agree you should see a therapist & doctor together. Don't worry, this is nothing they haven't seen or heard, and they can really give you such better insight being able to have give and take with you in conversation. Best wishes, and it will get better :) October 12, 2010 8:23 PM

4. GIL readers recommended reading And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment and For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality.
   
   

Ask the Audience #1: Four Years of Marriage and I've Never Had an Enjoyable Sexual Experience

I frequently receive emails and comments seeking advice about various sexual issues. It's apparent from the comments that many of you, dear readers, have experience and insight that could help those trying to improve their sexual selves. So I've created a new series called "Ask the Audience" and I'm turning to you to offer the best solutions you have to the problems we'll discuss. Here's contestant number one:

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When my husband and I were engaged, I could hardly wait to be married to him and have our wedding night. As the big day approached, however, I became more and more nervous. I convinced him that night after our wedding to please wait until we were away and on our honeymoon. I'd gone from excited about giving myself completely to my husband, to nearly scared to death of it. I tried to push that fear out of my mind once we were on the honeymoon, but I couldn't make myself relax. I don't think we actually made love until the second or third night after our wedding, and I don't think I've ever hurt someone so much as I hurt my husband during that time.

Ever since the honeymoon I have been very nervous about making love with my husband. Once we start, I'm okay; there's no real pain or anything. I guess it's just the anticipation that makes me anxious. Sex has never done anything for me, and I'm pretty much only doing it for him now. The problem is, since it doesn't do anything for me, I don't think about it and forget how important it is to him. He's a much better man than I deserve - he's very patient and knows that I struggle with this, and he doesn't want to pressure me, so we don't do it nearly as often as we should. We've only been married 4 years and I have never had an enjoyable sexual experience. In fact, sometimes at night when we're not really doing anything, he will just touch me (kind of caressing my back, arms, shoulders or legs). But if his hand goes below my belly button, I start to panic (inwardly). I hate this because I know it's hurting him, but I don't know how to get over it. It's a really difficult thing to know that you're missing out on such a wonderful experience and you feel like everyone in the world can enjoy it but you.

I'm not sure how to know when or if I have achieved orgasm, because I'm not certain of how that actually feels. People have said that you WILL KNOW when it happens, but I'm just not sure. I've had *something* but not sure if it was orgasm, and unfortunately it hasn't happened *with* my husband yet.

This story is similar to many questions I've received. Please share your ideas, experiences, and detailed suggestions in the comments. All ideas and points of view are welcome. As always, you can comment anonymously if you prefer.

If you have any questions you'd like to see discussed, email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com or leave a comment!

*Please note, I always encourage those dealing with serious or persistent problems to seek medical or professional help. The discussions on this blog aren't meant to be a substitute where professional help is needed.

Sexy Halloween

In college, Halloween seemed to be a free pass for girls to be skanky for a day. Girls seem to have this inner desire to express their sexuality. The girls who were brave (or perhaps scandalous) enough enjoyed themselves and the boys ate it up. I may be wrong, but I think most of the girls who didn't flaunt it on Halloween secretly wanted to. Well, now that we are old, boring, married people, I would encourage you to channel your inner sorority girl. You've got a willing and eager guy, and no one to brand you a skank.

Of course I don't recommend hitting the club in a bra and panties declaring you are a lady bug. No girls. Those days are behind you :) Try hosting a private Halloween party for two! You can be the sexy nurse (kit for only $9.95) and he can be your patient. Or you could be a cop and he could be a robber. If you've been nervous or reluctant to branch out from your generic pink frillies, then Halloween may be the perfect opportunity for you to go out on a limb.

{I highly recommend Yandy.com for your sexy costuming needs. This is the most affordable site I've found making it easy to give things a try for ten or twenty bucks. They are great with returns and discreet with deliveries.}

Holidays offer a perfect opportunity to spice things up in the bedroom. It's easy to get stuck in a routine, skip the lingerie, or worst of all, skip the sex all together. Try thinking of holidays as more than celebrations for children. Think of them as excuses to try something new in the bedroom!

Interdependence

A while ago I wrote a blog post called, Marriage Isn't. The post says, "Marriage isn't finding the right person, it's being the right person."

I received this comment the other day and felt compelled to post about it.

Anonymous said...

So what if you discover after marriage that you are independent and he is needy and suffocating?

September 20, 2010 3:48 PM

Through this simple question, I saw a marriage in pain. I may be wrong, but I see a husband who is begging his wife to love him. I see a woman who has lost her sweetness. I predict that sexual encounters are few and far between.

For the solution I would recommend Anonymous turn back to the post; be the right person. You can only control your own response and actions. Love him. Love him in word. Compliment him. Make him feel like a man. Tell him how much you appreciate him. Love him in action. Don't turn cold when circumstances may lead to sex. Choose to humble yourself. Let your 'independent' guard down. If he is acting needy then he must need something and that something is probably love. What better way is there to show love than by marital intimacy?

Independence is a highly admirable trait. I believe every woman should be strong and self sufficient. But marriage is about interdependence, two or more people or things dependent on each other (not to be mistaken for being needy.)

Independent thinking alone is not suited to interdependent reality. Independent people who do not have the maturity to think and act interdependently may be good individual producers, but they won't be good leaders or team players. They're not coming from the paradigm of interdependence necessary to succeed in marriage, family, or organizational reality.

Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989

We must learn to look to ourselves for change. I encourage you to discuss this concept with your husband. Tell him that you have decided to look at your own actions for fault and change in times of contention or frustration. Then, do it. Remember that you are a team. You are on the same side.