Today I'm Gonna Do A Little Bit Of

This:

Sex Stoppers -- Birthing Babies

Sex Stopper: Birthing Babies. Let me begin by saying I love babies. I love them so much that I have made some. But if you have ever been around children you can probably imagine that they have the power to put a screeching halt to your sex life. Not only do they cry a lot and demand all of your attention, they also do quite a number on your body. Saggy boobs, for instance, are one of my favorite side effects of motherhood.

How ironic is it that to become a mother we have to mutilate our pretty little sexy spot as we push a watermelon through a silly straw? The resulting deformities have a way of zapping the Marilyn right out of you. And if the looks of things aren't enough, think of the shifting and settling that occurs. Your reproductive organs are like a melting iceberg. But we happily do it for those ten little fingers and toes.

P.S. Why doesn't anyone write about this in the pregnancy books? "You're baby will eat every three hours, spit up a lot, and -- oh yeah-- your pretty little vagina is going to look like Freddy Krueger got a hold of it. Okay, maybe not that bad.

Heather said...

Here's a question, I just had our second child 2 months ago, and now everything feels very different down there. Orgasm is difficult again, and it's as if my clitoris has moved or feels different (I don't know how else to say it!) Any thoughts? My husband is patient but mornings like this when I know the kids will be up at 8:00 and I've given us plenty of time to enjoy ourselves but then nothing happens for me are VERY frustrating to me!

JUNE 23, 2010 1:13 PM

Solution: First of all, be kind to yourself. You just created a human!! Give your body time to heal. Give your psyche time to heal. It's natural to be a bit leery of a big, handsome, aroused man after the trauma that is childbirth -- it might hurt! Don't panic. You will heal.

Your pelvic floor muscle becomes very week and damaged during delivery. Many problems can occur from this; greater difficulty achieving orgasm, hypoactive sexual desire, decreased sensation, and incontinence. Here is an example taken from a study called Sexual and Relationship Therapy performed by the University of Central Lancashire, Preston, UK. Susan and Peter had recently given birth to their third child and Susan was experiencing a hypoactive sexual desire.

"During the third pregnancy she began to leak urine, occasionally when she walked, but more frequently when lifting her children and heavy objects. She also found that she leaked urine when she experienced orgasm, both when having sex with Peter and on masturbation. She was embarrassed by wetting the bed. At first she tried to hold back her orgasm during sexual intercourse but this did not always stop the leakage which then occurred during penile thrusting. Her embarrassment lead her to withdraw from sex with Peter although she continued to have the desire to make love with him. She also reported that her orgasms during masturbation on her own and on the rare occasions when she had intercourse were less intense and pleasurable than they were before her last [birth]."

The suggested treatment was to use a product like Lelo's Luna Beads. I blogged about them here. Luna Beads give your pelvic floor muscle the most luxurious workout of your life. You won't even break a sweat :) I think every girl should own Luna Beads, babies or no. The strength developed in your PC muscle will knock his and her socks off.

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Dance Party

Date Night Challenge

Throw on something sexy, brush your teeth, and crank up the tunes. Tonight, you are having a dance party.

Playlist:

1. Dance With Me, 112
2. Hips Don't Lie, Shakira
3. I know You Want Me [Calle Ocho], Pitbull
4. Toxic, Britney Spears
5. All For You Janet Jackson

If husband doesn't want to participate, just give him a show! He really won't care if you can't dance.

P.S. It doesn't work if you simply read Gwen in Love :) You have to do something to make your marriage rockin' hot. So hop to it girls... get up! Dance!

Sex Stoppers -- Yawn. Sex Is Boring.

Sex Stopper: "Sex is Boring. It takes so much work to get aroused, it's just not worth the effort. It's mentally and physically exhausting. I rarely even orgasm."

Anonymous said...

I have to agree 100% with Anonymous comment #1. It's just a hassle because it's not good. And I know it's one of those practice-makes-perfect ideas, but practicing isn't fun, so why would you want to practice? It was definitely more fun when it was something forbidden and exciting. Now that it's "okay" all the thrill is gone.

JUNE 21, 2010 11:04 AM

Have you ever felt this way? I know you can't see me but I'm raising my hand, high. You love your husband, so you endure. Besides, you would like to have a good sex life, but things just flatline.

Solution: Self love. Self love is, as The Housewife put it, "Figuring out what feels good for them, and learning to enjoy it by themselves, with no pressure and no judgment." Often times masturbation is seen as a dirty or bad word and act, but when used appropriately, it can be highly beneficial in the marriage bed. Many faiths, including Christianity, believe it to be an inappropriate, or even sinful, act when used outside the bonds of marriage. But what about within marriage? Self love can provide an opportunity for the wife to become in tune with her body or to learn new ways to experience orgasm.

I would recommend including your husband in the discovery process. Discuss the idea with him and see how you both feel. The idea of you pleasing yourself may be a very erotic thing for him. You may both benefit. In the book, Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self, author Sallie Folley says:

"Although masturbation implies a solitary act, it has relevance when discussing sexuality and relationships. Masturbation can be either a source of conflict and misunderstanding for a couple or a practice that enhances sexual satisfaction in a relationship."

Some thoughts:

• Remember, the goal is to bring you closer to your spouse. Keep this in mind throughout the process.
• Self love is merely a part of your sexual relationship, not a secret or separate activity.
• If you currently do this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to share it with your husband, consider taking a leap of faith and sharing this side of your sexuality. You will feel closer to him and he will think you are hot.
• Try including him by texting or calling him before, during, or after. It'll drive him wild.
• The more orgasms you have, the easier it becomes to experience orgasm.
• Soon you'll be the one begging for sex.
• Try masturbating in front of your husband.
• Another quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Comfort with your body, including your genitalia, is important in allowing you to become more responsive to sexual stimulation. Many women have been conditioned to have negative or even phobic reactions to their genitals. Familiarity, up close and personal, can help desensitize these reactions."

• One more quote from Sex Matters for Women: A Complete Guide to Taking Care of Your Sexual Self:

  "Masturbation is an ideal learning environment; it provides a safe, private, relaxed opportunity for you to explore your body and how you respond to stimulation. Most men benefit from this learning opportunity during adolescence. Many women don't have this advantage. From an early age they're taught that good girls don't touch themselves "down there." Because early in life many women are told that menstruation is "the curse," their genitals become guilty by association. Contrary to popular opinion, the clitoris and vagina are not your only sex organs. Your mind and your skin, whether on your face or the soles of your feet, function as vital sex organs, capable of producing intense sexual arousal."

  Folley provides further ideas and instructions on how to masturbate in her book.

Self love can be a tool in resolving many other Sex Stoppers as well. Mental issues such as past abuse or previously painful sexual experiences can also be remedied.

Anonymous said...

My problem isn't so much the Good-Girl Syndrome as it is the Sex-Hurt-For-A-Year-And-A-Half Syndrome, and even though I fixed THAT problem, it's still hard to retrain your brain to WANT to do something that's associated with pain. (And still isn't entirely satisfying, to tell you the truth...)

Working on it.

JUNE 21, 2010 6:20 AM

Have you tried this in your marriage? Did it help improve sex with your husband? Would you dare suggest the idea to your husband?

P.S. New poll on the sidebar at the top of the poll list.

Sex Stoppers -- The Good Girl Syndrome

Here is an anonymous comment that explains why I write this blog:

Anonymous said...

My libido has disappeared. I'm not talking about, "Don't feel like it." We're talking, "Thinking about it is sort of making me ill."

It's bad over here.

MAY 21, 2010 10:14 PM

There are many, many reasons for a low libido, a few of which are medical. Sex is mostly in your head. Have you noticed? I wrote a little bit about that here and here. One possible sex stopper, things that stop you from having sex, may be the Good Girls Syndrome.

Image via here, here and here

Sex Stopper: The Good Girl Syndrome

Many women suffer from what author Laura Brotherson calls the Good Girl Syndrome. She writes about it in her book, And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment. While this book is directed toward Christian women, the idea is truly universal. A good girl does not ride in cars with boys whether she is from Canada or Cambodia. Good girls keep their legs crossed. Then, with a simple "I do," the rules you have lived by your whole life are null. A girl is bound to be confused.

Here is an excerpt from her book:

Chapter 1: The Good Girl Syndrome

• The "Good Girl Syndrome" is a result of the negative conditioning that occurs from parents, church, and society as they teach—or fail to teach—the goodness of sexuality and its divine purposes. This conditioning leads to negative thoughts and feelings about sex and the body, resulting in an inhibited sexual response within marriage. . . . The Good Girl Syndrome may be the great underlying and underestimated cause of sexual dissatisfaction in marriage.
• The marriage ceremony is simply insufficient to reorient one’s attitude from 'Thou shalt not' to 'Thou shalt—regularly and with great passion!'" (Dr. James Dobson)
• "When parents focus only on premarital chastity and forget about preparing their children for the joys of sexual fulfillment in marriage, their message is skewed to the negative with mostly warnings and consequences rather than filled with the blessings and godly purposes of sex." (Dr. James Dobson)
• When teaching chastity or sexual abstinence, the message is often, 'Good girls don't.' This is true prior to marriage. However, the message should also be, that, once married, 'GOOD GIRLS DO!'
• "We're weary of dealing with young women who were taught for years, 'Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad...' and then later, 'Oh, you're getting married tomorrow, then sex is good!' You can't undo a life of teaching in a couple of days, weeks, or months. " (Joe Beam)
• Satan has 24-hour access to our hearts and minds through society's swamp of sexual sensualization. Sex is everywhere in society, but at home or at church, discussion of it is often taboo. It's a "forbidden subject."
• It's pretty hard for a young bride to relax when her internal programming tells her she is doing something sinful.
• Sex became a chore for Lisa—something that had to be tolerated for the sake of her husband. Babies and motherhood came along, and sex was simply relegated to the back burner as another item on her 'to do' list.
• Overcoming the Good Girl Syndrome does not mean you become a bad girl, but that you develop a healthy and accurate understanding of the godly purposes and potential of sexual relations in marriage.
• An unseen spell had been broken. She was freed from the belief that sex was bad and dirty, and that men were uncontrollable monsters. She learned that sex was ordained of God, and that He wanted her to fully enjoy it.

Solution:

Identify if this is a problem for you. Retrain your thinking. This takes a conscious effort. When your husband touches you intimately and you feel embarrassed or nervous, recognize that you are feeling "bad." Tell yourself that you are not "bad" and that this is a "good" thing. It brings physical pleasure to me and emotional closeness with the person most important to me.

Instead of shutting down and turning off sexual feelings, embrace them. Allow yourself to dwell on them because they are "good" and you are "good." Act on sexual feelings. if your husband is at work, call him and tell him you are thinking about him and how you can't wait to rip his clothes off when he walks through the door. *gasp* I know, you're shocked. This isn't "bad" behavior? Nope. This, dear girls, is "good."

What do you think? Have you heard of the "Good Girl Syndrome" before? Could you be suffering from it?

Feelin' Sexy Friday-- Growing Up Female

For the next few weeks Feelin' Sexy Friday will be encouraging personal thought and reflection regarding your sexual identity. Whether you are Mormon or Muslim, Baptist or Buddhist, we are all shaped and formed by the influences around us. Understanding these influences can help us to embrace who we are and to feel sexy. I will be sharing some questionnaires from The Hite Report, which I blogged about here, that will hopefully open a dialogue between you and your honey.

Image courtesy of Kupberg Photography

This portion of the questionnaire is taken from pages 497-499 of The Hite Report.

GROWING UP FEMALE

1. Growing up, were you close to your parents? Your mother? Father? What did you like most and least about them? Did you parents love you? In what way? What did you think of them?

2. What was your relationship with your mother like? Were you close? What is/was she like? What do you think of her? Do/did you like to spend time with her? Were you physically close growing up? Was she affectionate?

3. Were you close to your father? In what way? Was he affectionate? Did he talk to you? Do/did you like him? Fear him? Respect him?

4. What did you learn from your father was the proper attitude toward your mother? What did you learn from your mother was the proper attitude toward your father? Were they affectionate in front of you?631 The Hite Report

5. Were there ways in which your mother showed you how to be “feminine” – how to act like a girl or a “lady”? Did you and your mother do things your brothers (if any) were not expected (or invited) to do?

6. Were you ever a tomboy? What was it like?

7. Do you remember being warned against becoming a “tomboy,” or doing too many “boyish” activities, not acting “ladylike” enough? Can you remember any specific incident?

8. Did your father tell you to be a “good girl”? Your mother? What did they mean?

9. What kinds of things/behavior did your father give you approval for? Your mother?

10. Did you have a pet as a child?

11. Was there great pressure to conform be like the other girls– in grade school or high school? To dress like the other girls? Be popular?

12. Were you ever refused admission to a club or sorority you wanted to join? How did you feel about it? Did you like high school? What did you like and dislike about it?

13. Did you masturbate as a child? How old were you? Did your parents know?

14. Did your parents discuss menstruation with you? Your mother? Your father? Were you prepared for it when it started?

15. Was there an age at which you began to want to, or to feel pressured to, date boys? How old were you? How did you feel about this?

16. What was your mother’s attitude when you. Started dating? Your father’s? How did you feel? Did you discuss with your parents what happened when you went out on dates?

17. When was the first time you said, “I love you”? Held hands with someone? Kissed? Made out?

18. What was this early relationship like? Did it last long? Was it close or distant? Was it pleasurable or not? Did you tell your friends about it? How did it end?

19. Was it difficult leaving home? Declaring your independence?

20. Were you happiest as a child, a teenager, or are you happiest now?

Did these questions help you discover yourself? Or maybe clarify your actions and thoughts? Did you have an aha moment?

My Idea of Father's Day

Father's Day is a big deal around my house. It's not only an opportunity for me to show my gratitude for him as the father of my children, but my appreciation for him as a provider and protector. I celebrate Father's Day a bit differently than most, however. No barbecue tools for my man. I go the more intimate route.

This year I ordered this sneaky little tie clip from Red Envelope. The front is engraved with a nice, classy monogram and the back holds a secret hidden message. For the more conservative route choose "Love ties us together." But if your a little more daring choose "I want to tie you up" like I did. He'll be thinking about you all day at work. Plus I found a Red Envelope promo code for 15% off at checkout: SRCHSave15

I've spent a lot of time searching for a good lingerie company. Something more racy than Victoria's Secret and with a good price tag. I found Yandy Lingerie. Some sites I've seen are pretty pornographic and while I wouldn't want my husband surfing around on this site, I felt comfortable looking through their inventory.

I chose this little number to make his blood boil after the kids go to bed. It was on sale for $21.95 and I also found a coupon code for 10% off, SUMMER.

P.S. My boobs are not that big. but the top is adjustable so I think I'll be ok.

I just put my order in this morning and both companies have promised arrival by Sunday. I think he'll feel more loved by this gift than a boring old tie, don't you?

Love Story -- Color Me Katie

The fabulous Katie Sokoler of Color Me Katie is a freelance photographer and street artist living in Brooklyn. Watch a mini documentary about Katie here to see how absolutely adorable she is. If you don't already know her, you are in for a treat. Enjoy!

About three years ago, I was online and saw an ad to be an extra on The Sopranos. I thought it would be a fun opportunity to meet some interesting people so I sent in head shot and a few hours later a casting director called and said they wanted to use me for the scene. It was going to take place in a movie theater, and I was going to be an audience member.

The next day, when I came onto the set, the guy next to me was joking around and saying, "What's my motivation for this scene?" I thought it was so funny since we were just extras to fill in the background space. We started talking and suddenly the casting director pulled the two of us aside and told us we're going to play a couple in the scene. We pretend dated for 12 hours that day and made such a great couple that we just kept on dating after the shoot! We like to joke that if someone ever yells cut that we'll break up ;)

**Do you think your Love Story is worthy of a feature? Email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com.**

Share the Gwen in Love

To My Amazing Readers,

You are officially devoted wives. I have been blown away by your response to my little advice column; over 100 followers in under two months. I started blogging to help build stronger marriages and better lovers and it seems we are well on our way with no signs of stopping. If you are in love with Gwen in Love, grab a button and tell your friends. And then go have some rockin' hot sex.

xoxo,

Gwen

Are you in love with Gwen in Love?

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Do you have a favorite post so far?

Feelin' Sexy Friday -- The Hair Down There

How do you groom your hair down there? Are you a natural woman or do you prefer a clean and trim look? Maybe you prefer no hair? What makes you feel sexy? Is your grooming to avoid embarrassment (i.e. a furry swimsuit line), or intended to attract your man?

Many women think pubic hair is sexy, “Pubic hair is feminine and mysterious and quite beautiful.” (The Hite Report, pg. 367) Others are put off by it or prefer the sensation of bare skin. "My pubic hair is too long, so I cut it. I wash two times a day and douche every three days.” (The Hite Report pg. 369)

Have you ever wanted to groom the hair down there but have not known how?

Here are a few options:

• Shave your pubic area with a razor. The most common form of hair removal, but it may cause skin irritation.
• Wax. A bikini wax (just the edges) or a Brazilian wax (ALL of it). This can be done at a salon or with an at home wax pot.
• A Chemical depilatory such as Magic Platinum Shaving Powder
  (a mixture you spread over the hair that dissolves it away from the skin.)

Talk it over with your husband. Does he have a preference? Be brave, give it a try. You'll feel fresh, clean, and sexy!

{image via}

Still have questions? Leave an anonymous comment. See what the other girls are doing by taking the new poll on the sidebar.

I Do?

In the United States, about 50% percent of first marriages, and 60% of second marriages, end in divorce. Yuck. Really? If you're unhappy in marriage, is divorce really the answer? Sometimes, yes. But how did things get that bad? How do you avoid the "that bad"? How do you avoid divorce? You work on it. Always.

Most people don't wake up one morning after years of blissful marriage and decide to get a divorce.

Are you happily married? Could you be happier? Don't wait around for "that bad." Don't just exist together. Let him in. Trust him. If you want a love as great as Jim and Pam's, then mimic their humor, mirror their kindness. Make your marriage awesome now, girls.

{via}

Edit: While we wish and hope for staying married, there are legitimate reasons for leaving. Please, oh please, if you are in an abusive marriage or relationship, get out. Seek help. No woman ever should tolerate abuse. You are far too precious. Go here for more information.

With Great Power

I was recently a guest blogger with two sweet girls here and here. I thought I would share the post I wrote for Life Hand in Hand. Enjoy!

Shelley’s post about growing up got me thinking about Peter Parker. “With great power comes great responsibility.”

We are quick to recognize the great responsibility involved in marriage -- bills, careers, babies – but how often do we remember the great power we hold? Wives have the power to make their husbands feel like superheroes. Tell him how strong and muscular he is and you’ll notice he stands a little taller. Verbally observe how much his coworkers respect him and you’ll notice how he shares his opinion with a little more confidence.

As an added bonus, you may notice some unexpected help in the kitchen.

Go fall in love!

xoxo,

Gwen

Oh Gwen, What Have You Done?!

Come by and take the new poll on the sidebar and to see what I've done.

P.S. Thanks for reading. You're the best :)

Marriage Isn't

Marriage isn't finding the right person, it's being the right person.

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Feelin' Sexy Friday -- Walk the Walk

Have you ever paid attention to the way people carry themselves as they walk? It's interesting. A really pretty girl can seem average if her shoulders are slouched and she's looking at her feet. Don't you instantly respect a woman who holds her head high?

Walk with confidence. Don't look at your toes. Look at the world. It's a beautiful place :)

Strut -- you'll feel sexy, I promise.

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Be Like Master Yoda

Boost your libido with your mind. Seriously.

When a thought crosses your mind about your husband's hotness, don't dismiss it, turn it into a fantasy. Allow yourself to think about him. Better yet, dedicate a time everyday to fantasize about your hubby. Maybe while you are making dinner. Be creative, be wild. Your thoughts will surely lead to action.

Photo courtesy of Lane Dittoe Photography

Love Story -- Mommy's Sippy Cup

I am so excited for Jessica from Mommy's Sippy Cup to be here today. Her Love Story is like a scene from a Julia Roberts Chick Flick. Enjoy!

It all started with a tan, vintage looking leather jacket, that I kept seeing walk by me over and over while I was at work. What a hot jacket on a totally hot guy, I kept thinking to myself daily. Of course, I'm trying to focus and work, but the more I am seeing this guy, the more I lose track of what I am doing. Michael worked in a different department and would occasionally come in to where I worked and drop off stacks of paperwork for me to do. He made small talk with the other girls in the office, and I sat quietly, wishing he would talk to me. The most I ever got out of him was 'thanks' or 'have a nice day.' Maybe this guy totally doesn't know I even exsist!!

Every Friday at work, we had a massage therapist set up to do 15 minute chair masages in the office right next to Michael's. As I'm walking down the hall to get my massage, it happens. He talks to me! "Hey," he says. "I give massages, too. And I make housecalls." Really? Did that guy just use that as a pick up line? At work, no less? I stared at him like he was the biggest loser ever and just kept walking. After my massage, I decided to take him off guard, peeked my head in his doorway and told him that I may take him up on that. His mouth dropping open, he was completely shocked.

Shortly after that, we decided to go out on our first date. He was going to "cook me dinner." Only he forgot to buy everything and picked up a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store and some frozen vegetables. Neither one of us cared and had a great time. Weeks past and many dates happened. One night in the summer, after it had been raining all day, we decided to go get some take out at PF Changs. While we were waiting for out food, we sat up at the bar and ordered a glass of wine and chatted for a bit. An hour went by. An hour and a half. Meanwhile, the food had been sitting next to us the entire time with our full glass of wine. I was completely mesmerized by this guy. Starving, but didn't want to leave because our conversation was so great. Nearly two hours later, food cold, we decided we should probably leave and go eat our food. That's when we knew. Neither one of us said anything, but that night was the night we fell in love with each other. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy!

Time past and we both moved together for his job in East Texas. We talked about our life together all the time, planning how many kids we were going to have, what our wedding would be like, what kind of house we wanted. Everything. Christmas day 2007, Michael proposed to me in front of my family. I was so surprised, I stood there, tears rolling down my face. Instead of immediately saying yes, I yelled out, "I think I'm going to puke!" So romantic!

It is now summer of 2010. We have the house we always talked about and a nine month old little boy, Davis. I never really knew dreams could come true until I met this man. Michael is my best friend, soul mate, and I thank my lucky stars everyday that that hot guy in the tan leather jacket walked by my desk.

Jessica's Slice of Advice:

Try your best to keep the romance alive.

My husband and I still try to impress each other. We do little things to make our normal dinners seem special, whether it's dining outside by candlelight, or breaking out the fine china. Always give more and don't expect to always receive. And never be too proud to apologize first.

**Do you think your Love Story is worthy of a feature? Email me at gwenisinlove {at} gmail {dot} com.**